I have always hoped I could connect with another human, in an honest way, while being able to trust that human was somebody who tried to follow their commitments, and was somebody who was the antithesis of my father. I craved honesty. I saw so much hypocrisy throughout my childhood. I witnessed my father breaking his vows with my mother as he had sex with Pam. I spoke on the phone with, and met, a number of my father's mistresses, as I grew up. I wanted to believe that most humans did not cheat on their partners like my father, but by the time I was a teen, I no longer carried much belief in the sanctity of marriage. I had too much personal knowledge about too many married humans who were cheating.
I remember very well the moment where I finally decided marriage was one big lie. I was 16, and had recently gotten my license. The adventist principal who was having sex with me had a best friend, a man who was a well-respected member of society, and was married with children. This man was also a friend of my family, and taught adult sabbath school at church. He was brilliant, and I looked up to him. Due to a sudden health problem, this man ended up in a coma. The adventist principal told me I must help do something important for his comatose friend. He told me I must drive to a post office in a nearby town, in order to pick up the private letters this man's mistress was sending him at a p. o. box, so his friend's wife would never find those letters.
I remember very well the pain I felt, the first time I checked that p. o. box, and held letters in my hand, written by the mistress of a human I had respected. Those letters felt as if they were burning my hands, and my heart. I knew that man's wife and kids well. I was overwhelmed by emotions I could not at all understand at 16, but the biggest thing I felt in my heart was something I understood very well: I knew, with absolute certainty at that moment, that I would never take vows with any other human, ever. I had wanted to believe my father was not like most humans. I suddenly had to accept that most humans are lying, cheating jerks. It was a horrible moment for me.
The movie, "The Prince of Tides," is a movie I first watched in my twenties. The first time I saw it, I hated it, and the only character in the movie that I liked at all was Luke. I felt he was the only honest and strong person in it, and I did not like any of the other characters. I did not at all like the relationship between Tom and the therapist. And I was especially horrified by the character Savannah.
I have watched this movie a number of times over the years since I first saw it, and each time, I have seen it differently. I recently watched it again. I have seen how my mind has been trying to grow and learn over the years, and the way I view this movie is a weird kind of measurement of how my mind's growth has occurred. I still despise the relationship between Tom and the therapist, because I still think people either need to honor their vows, or simply be single if they cannot stay monogamous, instead of betraying another human. I now view Luke as lost and sad. I also realize the character I must finally admit I most identify with, is the one I was most horrified by when I first saw the movie: Savannah.
I wanted to find out my father was a sick aberration, and most humans try to be decent. Instead, I'm finding out most humans will do whatever they can get away with, no matter who it hurts. It's like I'm holding letters in my hands that are burning my heart.
Like Savannah, all I can do is keep writing.
