Problematic AA Issues

 I wrote a short series of emails to Mr. Maron regarding his misuse of AA and ACOA.  In order to try and make it personal to him, so he might understand better, I used people he has mentioned from his life, to set up some imagery, like I did in my recent Imagined Scenarios blog post.  I do not feel comfortable copying those names here, so I will simply condense this to the point I was trying to make.

AA is a group Mr. Maron speaks of, and attends. In his recent Dopey Podcast appearance, he spoke of deciding he now belongs in ACOA.   There are very damaged girls in these meetings he goes to, usually in very bad frames of mind, and they are often court ordered to attend such meetings.  Court Orderered.  As in, can be arrested for not attending.  Our legal system forces young damaged people to go to these very meetings,  where 13-stepping is "discouraged," but members like Mr. Maron constantly find and misuse very vulnerable girls at these meetings, and NO ONE can say one word. 

 Our court system needs to protect the people they order into meetings where Mr. Maron and others are free to prey on such people.  The girl in crisis last Oct was in recovery.

AA misuse

At some points, recently, Mr. Maron was complaining about what he implied were the old fashioned ideas in AA.  He mentioned their rate of success (every girl he has 13-stepped in the past 8 months that I am aware of is much worse now), and appeared to think those who have told him he is doing some things wrong by talking about AA publicly, are somehow mistaken.

Here are some of my responses:

"sultan of spin

Mar 14, 2023, 5:59 AM

jesus, maron way to spin you using recovery to exploit girls, as some sort of breaking free of old ideas in AA. If you don't think the 13th step was the first thing to take place in the first 12-step gatherings, you are delusional. What you do with AA to fuck up the minds of girls like redacted person and redacted person, and god-only-knows how many more girls, is the original, oldest reaction within AA members that exists.

New and profound? More like old and predatory."

__________

"I can agree...

Mar 14, 2023, 3:25 PM

"I can agree that if you talked about AA without 13-stepping broken girls in recovery, you might be doing not bad things. 100 percent of these broken girls you 13-step and sexually exploit, have had recovery defiled and perverted by you. That is fucked up and abusive."

__________

"MAR 10, 10:51 AM

You are a celebrity. You speak publicly of AA. (Big no no) You have made a living where you choose to joke about, target, and sexually exploit broken girls. Then you publicly berate those girls as "lunatics." Over and over. For decades. You interact with girls in 12-step, when you know damn well that 13-stepping ( BIG no no) is wrong. You sexually interact with your most broken, young girl fans, whom you groom to come after you. And you do nothing to protect the obviously endangered underage girls who respond to your public grooming. You endanger young female fans who have issues you know and understand well, and purposely target. You endanger sexually exploited children. This paragraph lays out exactly why your sexual behavior IS everyone's business. Every single parent of a child seeing your movies, every single person who supports your livelihood, has every fucking right to be protected from what you are publicly choosing to use your celebrity status to do to broken young fans in recovery, and broken girls suffering the effects from sexual trauma. You have chosen to behave as a predator toward your most vulnerable fans. Your sex life is damn well everyone's business, for just these reasons."

What Gets Stolen

During the last 8 months, I tried to find a way to explain all that gets stolen, when a sexually exploited child continues to be re-exploited by every adult/teacher/counselor/pastor/mentor they encounter as they develop.  This endeavor kept bringing me back to myself as the only example I could know well enough to use.  This was not fun.  I gave up what-iffing long ago.  It hurts.  And does me no good.  But in order to paint a picture of what all is truly being stolen every time a sexualized child is re-exploited, I kept having to be honest about where my understanding of this subject comes from.  It comes from knowing those things that came easier to me as I experienced new situations, like college, where I was allowed to try new things without interference from a predator trying to divert my focus with their grooming.  The following are three emails I hope might help others better understand that there are some large pieces of a fuller puzzle missing, when sexually exploited children never have a chance to escape the horrible cycle of re-exploitation.  

____________________

"Deal"

Nov 7, 2022, 10:18 PM

Wondering why I still send these? Wish I would leave you alone? Am I ruining your life, warping your mind, stealing your future, destroying your ability to trust, damaging your odds of enjoying a halfway decent existence? Am I taking away your first ever opportunity to see a comedian perform live, a comedian that made you laugh for the first time in three years? No? Didn't think so.

When I was 17, I found out another another victim of the principal had tried to kill herself. I realized that sweet girl could have died. Two other victims had come to the attention of school staff. People in the church were starting to talk. I was horrified to think of any of those girls being dead.  

The principal packed up his wife and kids, and moved to another area quite abruptly. He became the principal of the adventist academy there. I knew he was going to be fucking kids there. I realized I could not live with myself if I didn't try to keep any other girls from ending up like the one I knew. I called the president of the sda conference where I lived. 

When his secretary told him I was calling about a school in his conference, he took my call right away. He started asking me questions, with that tone of voice I know and understand much better now than I did in 1983. He said he could not protect other girls unless I was honest. He was the first, and last, human I ever spoke to in detail about things that happened between me and any abuser. We talked for a long ass time. I started to realize what his breathing and tone meant; mother fucker was jerkin it. I stopped talking. His voice got professional again, and he said that because the principal had moved to another conference, there was nothing he could do. 

I called the sda church where the principal had moved. I ended up speaking to the youth minister. I gave him a brief synopsis. Here is what he said: "If you try to call anyone down here saying those kinds of lies again, we will sue you for slander, and have you arrested for harassment."

I went out, got blackout drunk. A few months later, after realizing many at my local church were saying I was the bad person and I had caused the principal to sin, I set off for Kauai with 2 friends. We lived in tents on the north shore at Haena, Kalalau, and later down in Anahola.  My first full year never entering an sda church.  Also, the first time I felt an actual sense of spirituality, while standing on a cliff along the Na Pali coast, taking in indescribable beauty.

Why am I putting this all here? Because I know folks who say "Why didn't you tell?" I'm making sure you realize the truth. I did try to tell. I even called the police department where my father and pam and others put me through hell, to tell them what I had experienced, because it haunted me to think kids in that area were still being harmed. I was told by a detective that because I had always remembered all of it, the statute of limitations had run out on all my childhood abuse two years after my 18th birthday. I could do nothing.

In 2008-2010, I went to college for the first time, to get some vet tech training. As someone who barely graduated high school, it blew my mind (and everyone else) that I got a 4.0 all the way through, and my aptitude for physics/chemistry was kinda freaky. My chemistry professor told the whole class I was the first student in all his years of teaching who aced one of his finals. After that class, he asked me what degree I was getting. I said vet tech. He said, "No. Vet." With my history and credit score, I was never gonna get the loans for that, but it was nice to get encouragement from, instead of hit on by, a teacher.

Nobody gets anywhere playing "what if." But the truth is pretty simple to deduce. If predators had not fucked me up continuously from 2 on, my life would not look anything like the hell I've lived. Predators choose to do what they do. They choose to steal lives from children, from broken children. The broken children have no say, or even understanding, until they are in their 40's or 50's, if ever. It is all on the predators. I cannot change what happened. But if my father would have loved me, or simply cared as much about me as he cared about the paint jobs on his brand new pickups, if the principal had never preyed on broken children, who the fuck knows what I might be doing. With some ability to learn something besides sex, this dumb slut, who cannot even diagram a sentence, might have had books published. (My first short story in college was immediately published, and that professor read part of it on an NPR program in a nearby city, but the reaction of a number of people in my life to some dumb slut doing anything like "make good," was a bit scary. I do not need that kind of attention. I just want to be left the fuck alone.)

If you read these, you probably think I am bothering you, I am being a bitch. You stole my first chance in years to head into a holiday season with some sort of smile on my face. I wish I did not know about so well, or give a shit about, what predators are doing. I wish I could blindly laugh at your comedy, and brush aside the behavior that society does not care about. I am once again headed into dark winter. I am sick of predators choosing to break, and rebreak and break yet again, broken kids. I am sick of seeing it, understanding it, and living with it. I am sick of being ostracized by my family for acting like a "slut" since I was 5. I'm fucking sick of darkness, and I'm sick, having to miss your show because you have spent 30+ years creating hells for other broken girls just like me.

So, yeah, gonna head out for a bit. See ya in the funny papers.

____________________

"What if"

Feb 11, 2023, 11:56 AM

What ifs are apparently the stupidest form of questions that can be asked. I know that for me, personally, some of the most painful things I can think about are the realizations of how amazing my life might have been, and what potential might have been realized, when I ask myself "What if my father would have loved me?" I can't visit this question for any amount of time. It hurts too much, imagining the trajectory of my existence, if that one thing in my fucked up life would have been different. Fuck that question. It is irrelevant to my reality.

Looking at the pictures my friends have sent the past few days, looking back on the way things have gone since the moment that millennial came out of nowhere and put a Stephen King "Thinner"-type curse on me, thinking about the HBO special a friend and I will be watching in a few hours, this one question is blinking neon in my mind: What if maron had never made the choice to prey on broken girls?

god damn you, Marc. You have been given an amazing gift. You could be such an amazing human. You would shine so fucking bright, if.... You wouldn't be perfect. Nobody fuckin is. But take away your sexual predation, and you would be living a life full of good, decent, amazing human being-ness. If you had never decided that you were going to exploit young girls broken horribly by sexualization, every gift you were born to fulfill would be shining so bright, while being wrapped up in that most important human attribute, safe-ness. 

In rescue, some of the saddest moments are the moments when a dog is deemed unsafe. Such dogs, who but for horrible circumstances in their first years of abuse/neglect in their lives, could have been a loving part of a family. Thank goddess such dogs are rare. But when such dogs are proven to be irredeemably unsafe, they must be stopped. Unless a specialist like Cesar Milan is able to take in and keep all other living beings from being harmed by such a dog, a grindingly painful decision must be made. The dog is not at fault. It is simply incapable of understanding how to choose not to be unsafe.

You are not a dog. You could choose to stop preying on sexualized girls with BPD, girls in my group, damaged young girls who are part of my broken tribe. You refuse to admit how exploitive and abusive your behavior is. You do not give a fuck about the consequences others must suffer because of what you choose to do. You refuse to give a shit. You are incapable of caring about this group I belong to, at all.

As I watch your special later today, there will be a part of me that will catch glimpses of that lost potential marbled throughout the layers of you. And that part of me will think, "Damn. What if..."

____________________

"Just went there"

Apr 3, 2023, 12:05 PM

I just accidentally let my mind feel something I have very carefully avoided feeling, ever. I didn't mean to feel it right now. It happened because of what I wrote in my last email. I have skirted this issue, peered around corners of my mind at it, and let myself get close enough to write that poem, "High Noon" about it (refer to my email about restorative justice. It's in there.), and even viewed it a bit in a couple of emails I have sent you, but I have never let it fully hit me. Until now. I didn't even let it hit me. It just hit me, full force, no choice or preparation on my part. I let my mind do that most awful thing, where I fully finished imagining "what if." I felt, clear into the marrow of my fucking bones, how much better my life would have been, if one very simple, very easy, very natural human behavior had occured after my birth. I realized on a much deeper level how absolutely different my life would have been, would have felt for me and for my children, if my father would have loved me. That's not asking anything outrageous. That's something happens everyday, all over the world. But I let it finish playing out in my head. Fuckin hurt so much in my chest and head, right after I wrote these words:

"I will never know how I would have developed as a human, and what part sexuality would have played in my life, if I had not been sexualized from the age of about 2, on. I will never know who I might have been drawn to, what a more normal set of "first-time" experiences might have looked like, for me. I will never know if I would have been capable of a sustained relationship, and might, even now, be enjoying a decent life with a partner who I shared deep, committed life-long feelings with. At 2, all that was stolen, by my own flesh and blood father shoving his grown ass dick in a 2 yr-olds mouth. Gone. A whole fucking life. In one moment. And men like you just keep re-exploiting girls like me. And if one of these children somehow have some bodyguard like de Becker, or some therapist or other decent adult who helps that child get past the sexualization enough to have a more fulfilled life, men like you will see that as the child "exploiting " themself, instead of escaping the prison of a life lived like mine."  

(This last sentence was in reference to the previous email, where I brought to Mr. Maron's attention that during his recent podcast with her, he told Brooke Shields she was "exploiting herself" by becoming something other than the sex object men like Maron think of as the end-all, be-all, fully formed example of what female babies should want to aspire to grow up to become.  Brooke Shields was protected enough earlier on by people like Gavin de Becker, to be able to escape enough of her childhood sexualization to actually fulfill some of her potential.   She got to answer some of her "what ifs.")

"I can't help you feel how it just felt for me, to write out, and fully feel, the prison I am in, to this fucking day. If you could feel what it feels like, to be forever stuck on this porch where I stand, you would never re-exploit another broken girl again.

I wish I could use words to vulcan mindmeld."

Service

 

Oct 25, 2022, 7:36 AM

Listening to you and Jeremy Strong. Really good so far. You are discussing the service Jeremy's parents each gave. And I heard it again, a moment in your voice that I have heard before, where it seems like you wish you were doing some sort of service-type thing. I hope you waste no moments beating yourself up over that.

I'm not sure you realize the mitzvahs you perform on a daily basis. I will give you a couple of examples. First, I have worked in Shelter/Rescue/Spay-Neuter medicine for the last 14 years. (yeah, I'm more like Kit than you know.) There are people I run into every day who say, "Oh, I would love to help at the shelter, but it would break my heart to see all those animals. I would want to take them all home." Rescue workers often reply to this by saying there are many ways people can help other than volunteering at a shelter. There are 2 things that, if every household in the US simply did these 2 things, the population of stray/feral cats and dogs would be greatly reduced within a couple of years. If every household had their current pets altered, and if every household adopted one homeless cat or dog, that would be the greatest services that can be done. You have been doing both of those most important services for years. And as a person with a public platform, you have reached thousands of listeners by talking about your cats. I personally helped trap some feral cats on a woman's property years ago, and I remember she told me it was from "That Mr. Maron" on that "WWF" podcast that she learned what to do about those feral cats being dumped on her property. Our shelter workers knew about Boomer going missing all those years ago, and I remember one of us going online every morning to see if he was back. We all felt invested in that story and empathized with your pain. There is an equation that shows how many offspring one unaltered female cat, and each of her ongoing offspring, can produce in ten years. I have a shirt from FCCO with that equation on it, from the days I used to drive transport with 60+ cats from a shelter to be fixed at their facility. That same equation is also the number of potential cats who do not end up suffering, when a single cat gets altered. You have already personally saved millions of cats from being born into needless suffering, by fixing the cats you have had altered. Add up every person you inspired to fix their own pets, and you have done a huge amount of service for stray/feral cats. (Link to equation: The Feral Cat Equation — Feral Cat Coalition of Oregon:  Equation  )

The other mitzvah you do all of the time? You make people laugh. Better still, you help people push back at darkness by finding the humor in darkness. In this fucked up world, give me your comedy over 500 fucking sermons from some "christian" pulpit any day, to truly make the world a better place.

I am not trying to be cruel or snarky here, but there is truly one more service you could do. (You probably know what I will type.) You could stop re-abusing sexualized girls, and you could never flash any girl again. Those things cause horrendous damage. Nobody gets over doing those kinds of behaviors on their own. Please go to SLAA. It would be a huge service, for everyone.

Bumper Stickers

"Bumper Stickers"

Oct 23, 2022, 9:11 AM

So, maron, you ever get tired of assholes speaking like they are not racist or antisemitic, but you know, by simply listening to them closely, and observing how they consistently behave, noticing the confederate flag bumper sticker on their car, catching certain words and phrases they toss about, that they would be very comfortable at a proudboy gathering or kkk rally. Isn't it mind blowing how people you know, friends of yours, can listen to that same asshole, and tell you that you are wrong, that the asshole doesn't have a racist bone their body. People just walk around in denial, wallowing in their refusal to see truth, then have the temerity to appear shocked when a supermarket or synagogue is shot up, leaving broken lives and devastated families behind. I have heard you talk about some nice neighbor greeting you in a friendly way, but you are forced by circumstances in this country to wonder if that nice neighbor could come for you and take you by gunpoint to be placed in some sort of "camp" next week, if they were told to do it by assholes in power. It hurts, to have to realize that people you think are decent, people all around your neighborhood and within your country, could actually treat you or others you care about in such a terrible way.

It hurt my heart to have to realize that you, a gifted comedian I thought was a good guy, had no qualms about behaving like the principal. It hurt to know you had harmed many people just like me. Imagine that one neighbor who visited you and had you over after Lynn died, showing up one morning with a gun and some fucked up trump symbol sewn onto his jacket. That would hurt you, in your heart. In the end, it probably wouldn't surprise you much, because you are very aware of what humans are capable of. But it would still hurt.

It hurts, to remember how much joy and laughter I was experiencing this summer, how easily I believed you had a good heart, how it lightened my darkness to hear your description of mike pence at the second coming. Tears of fucking laughter! If the world is gonna end soon anyway, I wish putin woulda hit the button as I was thoroughly enjoying that scene. I could have been incinerated with a smile on my face, and an innocent enjoyment of a decent man's comedy.  

I miss viewing you that way. I can't enjoy you that way now. It's like I caught a glimpse of some bumper sticker that exposed what you really believe. That hurts.

Uncancellable

To wtfpod.com

Sep 9, 2022, 5:21 AM

Wondering how long you can expect to see these emails show up in your inbox? I guess you will discover how relentless some people with "daddy issues" can be, especially when they have to find out they purchased tickets to see a comedian who should have gone down in flames the first week of "Me,Too." Whitney Cummings phrased it perfectly. She said you'd never be cancelled. She didn't say you did not deserve to be cancelled. She didn't say you had never done anything cancellable. Just that you wouldn't get cancelled.  

So, I guess you can expect an email visit from me any random damn time, unless you turn these emails in to the FBI, or you get cancelled, or you have a moment of clarity and apologize publicly for the damage you have caused and get real help (ha haaaaaa!! See, I got jokes, too)

Funny how the purchase of tickets for an event that was supposed to give me a brief moment of happiness this holiday season, has turned into a millennial-learning-moment for me that made me see the "Me,Too" movement missed a number of you jerks, and has now given me a tiny bit of purpose. To every once in awhile let you know that while the rest of the world may ignore it, there is one person who knows exactly what you are doing. Not the best of purposes, but it'll do. Sometimes life does throw me a bone.

More later...

Taking a knee

 Apr 6, 2023, 2:59 AM

Colin Kaepernick got tired of watching police officers murder young men who looked like him. His first public reaction, from the platform afforded to him by his membership in pro football, was to remain seated during the national anthem, an anthem of a country where the assault and murder of people like Colin was being carried out regularly with zero repercussions. When a veteran talked to Colin about how he might be better able to bring attention to those atrocities while still honoring veterans, a group subjected to their own brand of suffering, Colin listened. He didn't have to listen to that veteran. But his desire for justice and respect came from a truly compassionate place, so Colin took that veteran's words to heart, and chose to make his stand in a beautiful way, a way that could do more to bring attention to a cause he felt deeply about. An important cause, where the lives of very real humans were being destroyed and stolen all the time, right in front of everyone's gaze. And nothing was being done to stop it. Colin's cause ended up being distorted and refocused at times, by those who don't care about that cause at all, or even enjoy seeing such atrocities continue. But Colin did make a difference. His reasoned out action of taking a knee brought attention to the systemic destruction of people who were part of the othered group that Colin belonged to. He found a way to get more people talking about systemic racism. It did not stop that racism, but it did help. His deeply felt need to stop the horrendous abuses that hurt his heart did shine more light on a hugely important issue, an issue where actual lives are in danger.

Broken children have their lives destroyed and stolen everyday. Their destruction is awful and pervasive and systemic, similar to racism. And nobody cares. I can't take the field and place my hand over my mouth anymore. I can't be forced to my knees in front of predators anymore. As more teen girls are killing themselves, I can't stay silent anymore. Self-harming and suicide rates are higher than they have ever been, in the younger members of the group I belong to. The re-exploitation of broken children is common place, and men like you publicly choose to do it with zero repercussions. Nobody is talking about this deadly important issue that destroys and steals lives.

You have a public platform. You have used it to continue re-exploiting broken children. You have, for these past 7 months, had an opportunity with my numerous emails here, to learn better, and do better. You have had a chance to make a difference, at least in your own behavior. There is no honor or grace in your heart. Only a desire to continue harming and endangering broken children. Your need to fuck girls with "BPD," with "daddy issues," is something you choose to continue doing. Your grooming of broken sexualized girls is such an obsession for you, you can't risk telling law enforcement about me, a person who is sending more than enough emails to you to get me investigated by law enforcement.   You have not sent one simple email telling me to stop, because after you got my next email, you would not be able to follow through with law enforcement.   Your email and social media dm history is not something you can afford having law enforcement sift through. That is how strong your predatory sexual addiction is.    

The group I belong to has no one like Rosa Parks who can take a stand as an honorable person who represents us.  Most of my group still under 40 dont have enough agency to know what is being done to, and stolen from, them in the first place.  This discussion about the re-exploitation of sexualized children won't get to be started with honorable acts like holding signs while crossing a bridge, or taking a knee with graceful resolve.  The very act of taking a knee holds zero grace for the group I belong to.  That's one of the first things that gets stolen from us.

Two emails. Brooke Shields

 "Her own words"

Apr 8, 2023, 6:21 AM

“That last scene in the movie where they are confident and free. They’re confident, they’re being listened to, I’m proud of them speaking their mind,” Shields said of her daughters in an interview with People on the red carpet of the documentary’s New York premiere. “They are young women who are already beginning to find their own agencies. It took me until practically today.”

Brooke's own words. There you have it, old man. Truth. Two adults, me, and now Brooke Shields, who were sexualized as children, have clearly stated that the "agency" word you used to describe young broken girls on "Not Cool," is the one thing sexualized children do NOT have.  Every sexualized child has ZERO agency. That IS what is stolen from every single child who is fucking sexualized. That is IT. That is the crux of why child exploitation is a truly horrendous crime. That is wtf I mean when I say that you will always know if a girl is a victim of child exploitation. Any, EVERY, girl who shows any interest in an old man like you, has experienced some form of sexualization.   Such girls have ZERO agency. They have been exploited sexually. A girl who has never been sexualized, who has been raised to start developing agency, will NEVER be interested in any adult your age who fucks broken girls. That is fucking goddam truth. And in your mind, you KNOW this. That is exactly why you go after broken children. Because you CAN.

"Flight"

Apr 8, 2023, 7:24 PM

I know your mind is quite capable of takin little flights off into weird spaces, inside that old head a yours. Mine does it, too. This afternoon took some strange twists and turns, landed me having a coupla bizarre and serendipitous convos with a few different folks. Somehow, I ended up back home sitting on my couch, where my mind went completely rogue on me. In the space of about 30 seconds, I imagined the absolute craziest scenario ever. I have no idea why in the fuck this came to me. I am tryin to shake these cobwebbed thoughts the fuck outta my brain. My head has lost its damn mind. Like to hear it? No? Oh well. Here it goes.

Imagine you, and Brooke Shields along with some of the women who spoke during her documentary, and maybe, I don't know, maybe some well known attorney who prosecuted that asshole doc nasser mf'er, all doing a WTF podcast regarding the growing epidemic of childhood sexualization. No, old man, this is not some trick scenario to fuck with your head. My mind seriously saw this, in a brief flash in my head. All I could think is how, since last Sept 1st, you have been getting a real onslaught of information, from Bradley Whitford, Brooke Shields, and of course, a never ending barrage from yours truly. Dude, you could be a real, honest to higher-power fucking hero. No, NOT one a those bullshit patriarchal motherfuckers who climbs some child's hair to rescue some goddam underage damned-to-hell damsel in distress. We have already established that you have ZERO business being in the vicinity of exploited children. No. I mean, you now have a much deeper understanding of how the actual fucking futures of innocent children are thrown under the giant wheels of predators. Gather up those people our age and older, with experience, like Brooke and Alice and those who have battled predators, like attorney David Slader in Portland, who was part of fighting the Catholic church. And Bradley Whitford, too. All those who understand well everything that is forever destroyed and erased with every child who is sexually exploited. Get these people talking. Get this conversation going. Jesus fucking christ, this conversation needs to goddam happen, right fucking now. You could make this happen. My mind fucking saw that group in your garage, in an imagined kinda panel, doing something truly heroic, truly worthwhile. For less than a full minute, my mind could envision such a group.

Okay, take all the time you need to laugh at the dumb slut in the PNW. But old man, you know I'm on to something. Come on, Maron, you know there is something good that could come from such a gathering, such a discussion, such a group of diverse humans who know exactly how much sexual exploitation of children damages such a large number of humans. Do something truly helpful. Call out those who act like you have, call on those who have personal insight, help end the lives stolen and destroyed by sexual exploitation and re-exploitation. 

Too crazy? Yeah, I know. Just my brain, seeing something that is not now, or never in the future, gonna stand an ice-chip's chance in hell of happening.   

"They know all that stuff"

"They know all that stuff"

Apr 3, 2023, 6:20 AM

You really believe that children "know all that stuff." Just because they hear it?  You somehow think because a child hears the words "toxic masculinity," they now know all that stuff? You know damn well, a child doesn't know a goddam thing about any of the terms they hear everyday. If hearing about something was all a child had to do to know something, a 6 yr old could move out and hold a job and drive a car. Sex is no fucking different than any other fucking thing. Children do NOT understand anything. They are fucking children. Stop trying to prove that "she knows what's up. See, she's asking for it. She understands what much older people are really thinking and doing. She is asking for it, look at the terms and tv shows and news stories she is exposed to. She knows."

Children know nothing. Broken girls like (three of the many girls Maron has re-exploited since Aug 2020) et al, know absolutely nothing about wtf an old man like you is doing. Nothing.

"Bad Guys"

 "Bad Guys"

Apr 3, 2023, 5:02 AM

So, I am listening to your interview with Brooke Shields. And I caught something you said which gave me a clearer picture of part of the fallacy you believe, part of the way you, maybe even subconsciously, excuse your exploitation of damaged girls. Let me try to make this clearer for you.

When I was around 3, my mom started making me wear a shirt, when I was playing outside with my cousins.  My other female cousins, and of course the boys, did not yet have to wear shirts if we were out in the yard playing in the sprinklers or having mud or water-balloon fights.  My mom told me that there were bad men who want to hurt little girls who don't wear shirts. So, I wore shirts outside.

We lived in Ukiah, CA, for about 9 months, when I was 12.  The story of Steven Staynor's abduction/disappearance was a well known topic there.  Later, during the time I was first being groomed and abused by the principal in another state, it was on the news that Steven had been found and was back home.  I remember the pictures of his abductor.  Scary looking guy.  I knew that Steven's abductor was a bad man, like the ones I had to be protected from by wearing a shirt when I was 3.  I knew this.  Not once, in all of this knowing, did I ever think to look at my father, pam, the men pam knew, or the principal, and see that they were predators just like Steven's abductor/rapist.  Not once.  

You tried to say something about how Brooke's daughters and their peers are all so aware of things now days, because of the #me,too, movement, and the social climate now days.  You believe that, don't you?  That is wrong.

When you smile at, and get close to, and groom, and lie to, and con little broken girls, they believe that you are not lying to them, and that you must not be one of those predators they hear about.  In fact, grooming is the act of so dishonestly portraying yourself publicly, that nobody knows you are a predator.  Young people believe if men like you were bad predators, you would look like the mug shot of men like Steven Staynor's abductor.  The news would mention your name, like it talks about the predators who have been apprehended.  You are not on the news in some mugshot.  You are an accepted celebrity. No one says you are fucking little hurting girls and leaving them suicidal.  No one, least of all you, tells these little girls that you are juggling a bunch of other broken girls as you are conning them.  These girls really believe you are bonding with them, you care about them.  What you are really doing to broken girls is never mentioned anywhere, by anyone, especially by you.  This is why children are never capable of understanding and protecting themselves from predators.  They think Steven Staynor got yanked up off the street by some obvious monster.  They don't know that a nice adult came up to him and lied to him.  Not some monster who looked like a mugshot.  Some smooth talking adult.  Just like the principal was a smiling administrator of a religious school, accepted and loved by the adults around him.  No one said he was lying to girls, and leaving them suicidal.  Children may know about "me,too" movements, and hear about dangerous shit happening to other children, but the nice man who runs their school and is friends with church members, is not telling anyone what he is doing, and these kids are way too young to know that you, and that principal, and any old man who pays any attention to damaged children is a predator.  Is always a predator.  This is not something that kids can ever be taught to know or understand while they are young. This is something only time can teach them. The girls you ruin today are not at all aware that you are a predator. They believe your grooming lies.

I feel like this will have to be reworded, this concept, many times, for you to fully understand what I mean, and quit believing little sexualized broken children know damn well what you are doing. They do not. Children will never be safe from predators like you, no matter what social movements are happening around them. Predators do not carry signs saying "I am a predator."  

To look at a broken child, and try to say "Hey, they've been raped, so they know exactly how I am going to lie to them, because they have already been exploited," is cruel garbage. That's the epitome of feeling like you are free to kick someone, because they are already on the ground.

Please Don't Forget

 Anyone reading this blog, please, don't ever let yourself forget why I am posting these.  There is a very young broken victim of Marc Maron's who has many posts about suicidal ideation, and a post with a gun in her possession.   Mr. Maron has finally, within the last few hours, made it so I can no longer tag him on Twitter.  He is very aware of what I am doing.  He won't call authorities, because he can't risk what they might find. He wants to ignore these posts.  That's how little he cares for the life of a broken girl he used.  He is not going to address any of this.  

In one of my first emails to wtfpod, I told him he was gonna find out just how relentless a girl with "daddy issues" can be.  I will never stop thinking about the bitten nails in their photos. I will never ignore the broken girl with a gun.

Blather. Rinse. Repeat

 

This is an email I sent after listening to more of Mr. Maron's older podcasts, and feeling ill at how free he felt to speak openly about exploiting much younger girls, how he was "resolving" their issues, and in the same breath make fun of them for those painful issues.  He would make fun of their behavior, laughing at their expense.  He was purposely picking broken girls, girls who were at an age he refers to as being a "child," when he speaks of himself, or even his own parents, at that same age.  A girl that age would never think to look at a 46 yr-old man unless she had experienced the very type of sexualization that creates the exact problems Maron then makes fun of them for having. Publicly.  He has made money getting laughs about the mental and emotional issues that are inherently going to be present in the very girls who are programmed to respond to grooming old men like Maron.   

Yeah.  Things haven't changed.  They may be worse.  Shit, it is no surprise at all to me that teen girls are self-harming and killing themselves at higher rates than ever.  Nobody is protecting them.  

Anyway, here is an email I sent as I was contemplating these sick truths last Oct.:

"Blather. Rinse. Repeat.

Oct 6, 2022, 7:26 AM

If you walk around thinking your dick is a supportive resolving essence unto itself, I can start to maybe understand a couple of problems you display or even speak openly about. First, I bet you don't think of yourself as a "flasher." I bet you think that you were giving that girl on the set in Canada a "gift," a chance to be "helped" by the maron meat. Setting aside the absolutely gross and degrading emotional trauma such perverted behavior causes the victim, there is nothing about your dick that has ever helped anyone solve anything emotionally. Ever. And this brings me to the second problem. The broken girls you love to be "daddy" to, think you are offering to love them forever in a real, true way, which is the healing they are longing for. Telling them you are "resolving" their "daddy" issues sounds like you are offering to step in and give them unconditional love forever, which is at the root of the very real issues they need to resolve. They have already been objectified, sexualized, and abandoned. They assume you must want to give them what they missed out on, the real, unconditional, non-sexualized love they need. You are grooming them to let you repeat the abuse already done to them. Of fucking course they glom onto you and do everything they can to keep you from abandoning them. That is the promise you made to them by using the word "resolve," by telling them they are special and mind-blowing, by getting them to tell you stories of how each of them experienced abuse. You made the promise to "resolve" their pain. You wrote that word into your jokes. You have said it publicly. The broken girls truly believe if you were just going around re-abusing young girls, society would have gotten you in trouble long ago, an old celebrity who has been doing this for decades. No wonder you have had stalking problems and are always trying to extricate yourself from a toxic relationship. Your basic "resolving daddy issues" dogwhistle is a blatant grooming lie, set up to draw in the broken child, and their broken mind cannot deal with having to see you were only abusing them exactly as their abuser already had abused them. That breaks them into even more destroyed pieces, and you do not give a shit. You are creating damage you cannot begin to understand, all so you can get off on their original pain. You have no call to ever blame a broken girl for the way she acts to try and keep you from leaving. You caused this, as the old man who knows exactly what he is doing. You have the age, the power, the status (a celebrity for a long time, and now you're in kids movies, mother fucker), and the expertise at phrasing your grooming dogwhistles. You, your dick, and your predatorial beliefs have never, and will never, support or heal anyone. Ever. Read it again: You, your dick, and your predatorial beliefs have never, and will never, support or heal anyone. Ever. Think this again. Say it to yourself again. Lather. Rinse, Repeat."

"Well, hell"

 This post will include a paragraph from the first email I sent to wtfpod.com after my millennial moment.  At that point, I think I was hopeful that Mr. Maron might say he was unaware of how much damage he was doing.  I figured he was that decent man who had made a point of explaining how he quit using the "R" word after someone took the time to tell him how it made them feel.  I was hoping his behavior toward girls with BPD, caused by sexual exploitation, was something he hadn't thought deeply about.  I wanted to give him a chance to respond, as I knew he had done for others who took the time to ask him about important issues surrounding trauma and mental health.  I truly did not want to have to realize he was choosing to behave in predatory ways toward victims of abuse.

I never got any email response to my "Well, hell," message at all.  But there was a response to another message that had been sent to him, a message from an adult who had no idea how the next 8 months was going to play out, and prefers to remain anonymous, as there was a picture involved.  Mr. Maron's response to that message made up my mind for me.

One other thing did occur right after I sent "Well, hell," and I guess it could have been in direct response to my email, but I have no way of knowing for certain. It was a post by Mr. Maron, within hours of "Well, hell," and the timing was brought to my attention later, by one of 3 individuals I personally know, who were made aware of all this a few months back, and gave me some advice and outside perspective on everything.   

I am only including one paragraph from "Well, hell," because there is some mentions of other people in the rest of the email who have no bearing on anything.  This one paragraph expresses where I was at, before my eyes started adjusting to the darkness of the rabbit hole I had just entered.  

"Aug 30, 2022, 10:01 PM

Mr. Maron,

This week, a woman was telling me her opinion about you, and I was sure she had to be full of shit. Now, I just wish she had kept her mouth shut. There were things I was missing about some of your personal choices, and I would like to still be clueless. Ignorance is bliss. But my history means I am now totally "triggered" by things I can no longer unsee. They are things that are obviously unimportant to your followers, and to you, but I am losing something here, and it makes me sad."

Restorative Justice

I sent this email, to try and give Mr. Maron a brief glimpse of all that is stolen, and the further damage he creates, by re-exploiting young victims of child sexual abuse.  

"Sep 13, 2022, 4:03 PM

Mr. Maron,

This one's going to be long.  And it is going to be me, doing something I have witnessed other broken people like me get to do, but have never been able to experience myself.  If you have read my emails up until now, you will recognize how my writing style includes introductive and interruptive breaks to set up and more completely explain what I am trying to express.  A lifetime of coerced silence, and an inability to communicate verbally with any skill at all, is why my writing comes out the way it does.  You will either click this straight into the trash file, read it and tear it apart in every way possible while deriding it, or read it and perhaps catch a glimpse of a viewpoint I don't believe you have ever seen before.  I do not need to know what you choose to do.  That is not the point.

Some people get to confront those who hurt them in a situation called "Restorative Justice."  There's a lot of ways this has been implemented in various survivor groups and court systems throughout this country.  I have seen this in action once.  For reasons that include my own safety, I will never get to experience this.  I have always had a basic outline in my head of some things I would want to contribute if I was participating in this process, though, and I will put those words here.  

Why would I do this here, to you?  For a number of reasons.  First, I can maybe, just a very tiny little bit, help you catch a glimpse of what gets stolen in this society every time a broken young person has their worth further sexualized during their interactions with adults.  What gets stolen is immeasurable, irreplaceable, and because once stolen it never gets to exist, invisible.  Our society as a whole does not seem to understand what is being stolen at all, and cares even less.  But I like to think that the man walking onto the stage for "End Times Fun," the man who cares for stray/feral cats who show up within his home radius, the man who knew he was becoming a better human while finally experiencing real love, would not reject getting to glimpse some of what is stolen from certain people in society.  Second, I feel that you, as a person who has publicly felt like it is okay to "date" many broken young women/girls and made others laugh while joking about it, might be edified if you can try to actually see some of the hidden truths behind the falsified myths in so many male minds.  And third, I do not have anything to lose.  I am already seen as a slut, my kids are now adults and do not have my last name, and I will feel a bit better if I send this, regardless of what you do with it.   

Little aside here (bet it drives you nuts how I do shit like this in my writing.  Sorry...).  I have a wager with my muse.  I am betting you are never going to read this, and you will eventually let yourself believe that my emails made no sense at all, and you will continue to live your life as you have chosen, with no concern for any damage that happens to certain groups of people.  My muse thinks you might actually read this, and maybe even start to understand a bit, or at least try.  Whoever wins this bet gets to drink a can of cold mango nectar, a sugar-filled delight I never buy, because of the added syrup.  As you may have already deduced, I will have no idea what you have chosen to do.  So, when I finish this and hit send, I am simply going to go purchase a can of this ambrosiac drink, and as I consume it later, I will know one part of my brain won, one part of my brain lost, and my taste buds won't give a shit.

Still with me?  Here we go:

The first time the principal fucked me, he got mad afterward, and sharply asked, "Where's the blood?"  I never had told him all that had happened to me.  I had just answered yes when he asked me if my father had molested me, which was when he first took me under his wing, so to speak.  I was not anywhere near ready back then, to put into actual words what had occurred throughout my childhood.  But I wrote a poem a few hours after he asked that question.  I was remembering a slide on a playground when I was 5, a spiral one, as I wrote this. I wrote it in red pen.  I never shared it with anyone until I was in my 40's.  Here it is:

Slide
by Judy S. Lentz

Drop away beneath me in
breath snatching glee
Is the laughter beating in my ears
from me?
The mirrored slope descending
Sheets of silver floating down
Invisible windfingers lift my hair
the breath of a clown
Whose hand trails behind me, streaking
blood where I slid down

One down, two to go.

When I was around 19, I had started joining a friend in doing some amateur strip dancing.   After she and I got raped by 3 guys, I started to realize that perhaps I had been sent off into the world by my father with a sucky set of work skills.  I wrote this:

 Strip Tease
by
Judy S. Lentz

I would start with my hair
take it off like a wig
throw it into that hole

you once made me dig

Next, it's the feet
that failed to run
rip each one off slowly
smile when I'm done

Now for the skin
it's easy to peel
off layers of pigment
with nerves made to feel

Out seeps old blood
a dark, stagnant flow
from a heart that ceased
doing its job long ago

The muscle and fat
that created my form
comes off in great lumps
odorous, barely warm

Skeletal fingers grab
ahold of dead eyes
rip the orbs from skewed holes
as lungs heave relieved sighs

Unholy lips are torn
from a face
that has longed for the time it
is finally erased

Exposed teeth gnaw at fingers
tear away at each hand
shake them off violently
no one cares where they land

A deformed mass of
doughy gray matter
slips out of the skull
hits the ground with a splatter

Bones tense up, shiver
turn to dust, drop defiled
into dry shattered tear drops
unshed by a child

Okay here I am
daddy what will you do
this last time your child stands
raw before you

Alright only one more.  On my 18th birthday, I got to perform my first adult legal signature when I stood as a witness for my friend's wedding at a justice of the peace.  I remember looking at her and her boyfriend and recalling her telling me about her "first time," which was his first time, too.  I remembered the years of watching them and other couples date in high school.  And for the first time, on that day I turned 18, I thought that if I had never experienced my childhood and teenage, there was probably a guy somewhere out there that I might have done the whole wedding thing with.  I wrote this poem for that unknown guy, on my 18th birthday.  I was thinking of my father a little, but mostly of the adventist principal, as the ones who owed the debt in the poem.  That birthday was just the very tiny beginning of me starting to realize that if the principal had been a woman who cared about me, I might have started experiencing a better life.  Of course, it was only when my kids hit high school that I really understood how important the first adults are who interact with broken teens like I was.  One decent teacher can truly save those kids and change their lives.  One man like the principal, and a life of hell is set in stone.

I may have written this poem for that unknown boy when I was 18, but when I found and reread this poem in my 40's, I realized it was also for me:

High Noon
by 
Judy S. Lentz

There is a man out there
To whom you owe a debt
If he knew all that he had lost
I know what you would get

You stole his high school sweetheart
You took their special dance
That kiss goodnight outside the house
He never had a chance

He never took her driving
They never shared the heat
Of teenage fumbling passion
In a fogged-up car's back seat

The gift of his engagement ring
Never made her smile
He never knew the joy of walking
Her down some church aisle

He never saw their children
Or shared their family
He never got the chance
To grow old and gray with me

Somewhere there is a man to whom
A lifetime's debt you owe
But he won't ever call you out
Because he'll never know

Yeah.  Well.  Okay.

I'm gonna go drive to town for that nectar.  May have to wait awhile to get it past this damn lump in my throat that showed up unexpectedly as I did a quick read-over.

If you made it this far, thanks.

Sigh Lentz"

Grooming

 

My upcoming blog posts will sometimes contain the names of people who have recently been on Mr. Maron's WTF podcast.  I have zero affiliation with any of these people I may mention, and only use their actual names because they were a public part of Mr. Maron's recent interviews that dealt directly with the subject of child sexualization/objectification and exploitation.  These people have zero personal connection to me, my blog, or my views.  I mean these people absolutely no offense.  I deeply appreciate their willingness to openly speak about this personal and painful subject.  Current and future victims can only be spared future pain if those old enough to fully comprehend their past experiences can be free to speak of those experiences without fear of blame or re-exploitation. 

I sincerely enjoy Mr. Maron's gift for comedy.  That hasn't changed.  My respect for some of his behavioral choices dropped dramatically after my millennial moment.  That drop quickly infused my writing in the emails I sent to wtfpod.com.  

My tendency toward sarcastic writing as a way to vent anger and pain can be seen throughout these words I sent.  Writing is the only way I have ever been able to coherently express anything I am feeling, as my ability to vocalize such emotions is almost non-existent.  This all ended up giving my emails a tone that is more often found in those letters people are told to write, and then burn, in order to process the hurtful experiences they have gone through.  If there were no current or future victims in harms way because of Mr. Maron's behavioral choices, that is probably where these emails would have ended up, as smoke and ashes drifting up from that digital cloud where these words were origanlly sent.  Of course, if there were no such current or potential future victims, these emails wouldn't have been written in the first place.

My emails to Mr. Maron quickly took on a form of writing I have never before naturally employed.  A sort of stream-of-consciousness, geared toward 2nd person, a point of view I have rarely used, and didn't appreciate much.   

The following is an email I sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 20, 2022, 7:16 AM, subject line "Imagined Scenarios."

"Mr. Maron,

You often mention your ability to imagine scenarios inside your mind. Because of that, I think you might have the capacity to follow some guided imagery. Let's give it a go, 'kay?

We are starting with the moment Bradley Whitford began to tell you about his experience with child sexual abuse. Place yourself back in that moment when you were with him as he did this. Remember his spoken cadence, tone, facial expressions. Hear how he was no longer vocalizing in a manner normal for him. Hear how the child he once was, is actually present in his voice. Can you do this? It might be easier if you make yourself relisten to that part of the interview. Close your eyes and let yourself really hear, and listen to, how that broken child from those moments of abuse is still in there, in the adult voice of Mr. Whitford. Hear how that child was trying to describe the worst parts of what was actually happening to that child during the abuse. Mr. Whitford was describing, in the voice of that child, the worst part of child sexual abuse. Little, trusting, naive young Bradley, thought that what was happening was actually something special, something teetering on real emotions, something that was meaningful. That child was trusting a person everyone in society tells children they can trust. That child was not at all able to see, in the moments of the abuse, that he was being horribly harmed because the person who was harming him did not at all feel anything decent or loving for that child. That person was using their power, their position, their appearance of maturity in society, to fuck with the body of a child, all while conning that child into thinking what was happening was special. There is no way that child could ever know what was really happening, how they were being conned completely into allowing a person to use their body. As years pass, this is the worst thing that happens to survivors of sexual abuse. They slowly come to realize how the reason they did not say "No," the reason they did not run or fight, the reason the child could be used at all, is because they really thought what was happening was "love." It is only with maturity that sexual abuse survivors can ever hope to come to understand all of this, and this realization is the pain that gets worse over time, not better. The understanding of how they were harmed hurts more and more, the older a person gets. And abuse survivors cannot risk saying how this is the worst part of the lifelong damage they carry, because the minute they admit they thought it was a "special" thing that was happening to them while they were being abused, people tell them that they caused the abuse, because they wanted it. Bradley Whitford was trying to explain all of this, in a small way, in the broken words and heart of a child.  

Abuse survivors are ripped to pieces by this. It is why the abuse of children and vulnerable and damaged people is so insidious and cruel. Unless the abuse is a violent attack that causes only pain, an abuse survivor feels like they were not really abused, because they did not say no. The person in power knows damn well their abuse victim is trusting them, that victim does not understand what is happening. That is what predators do. They seek out those too young or damaged to know what the predator is really doing.

Now, I am going to walk you through something that a straight man might have a hard time understanding. Please, try to follow the imagery while leaving your own sexual orientation out of it.

Imagine Bradley Whitford, trying to tell this story to a counselor, or a college professor, or a pastor, or a comedian doing a podcast. The moment Mr. Whitford starts telling the story, he actually re-enters the part of him that is that broken child. He re-enters the pain, the vulnerability, the naivete, as he tells the story. The person who is listening reaches out and touches Bradley's shoulder, and pulls him into their arms. Mr. Whitford will probably cry, and the child he once was will lean in to try and find the comfort that broken child needed so badly. Now the counselor/teacher/pastor/comedian, does something that makes the broken child in Bradley respond as the child he once was. Things become sexual. 

Let's stop right here. When did things actually become sexual in this scenario? The moment the person listening started to listen, they already knew what was going to happen. They knew Bradley would be entering his child frame of mind, he would be that broken child, needing to feel real love. But that child still believes that what the abuser did was love. So Bradley will be responding to the "compassion" shown by the person listening to their pain. For the counselor/pastor/teacher/comedian, the whole situation was sexual, from the moment they leaned in to listen to a story that they knew was going to turn them, as the predator, on. For Mr. Whitford, it is just him, trying to get comfort in the way that child first thought they were experiencing love and comfort. So, the age of the counselor/pastor/teacher/comedian is actually irrelevant. If this scenario had been what happened after Mr. Whitford's talk with you, you would be the predator, even though Mr. Whitford is older than you. He has a broken part of himself that will always be at risk of being redamaged by any person who uses that child's pain to get sexual pleasure in the guise of comfort and compassion. Please, reread the last two sentences over and over. Print them out and put them on your bathroom mirror. Say them like a fucking mantra. EVERY broken female that you have fucked because you knew how they were broken, is a person you victimized, as surely as it would have been you victimizing Mr. Whitford if you had turned the moments after his interview into a trip to your fucking bed.

Try to really sit with this.  

I have more to type, but whatever is guiding me or pushing me or driving me to send these emails says this is enough for now. I hope you will reread this email until you truly understand it.

Sigh Lentz"

Watersheds and Rabbit Holes

 About a year ago, I ventured back online a bit.  It was the first time I started experiencing some positive feelings in a long time.  I got a Samantha Gibb sticker to put on my old classical guitar, and a great Gibb Collective t-shirt, with the wonderfully spare yet beautiful rendering of Maurice' trademark black Trilby, purchased last summer.  I drank coffee out of mugs with Girl in the Woods' dogs, "Moose" and "Da Woof," on the side.  I found one of my kids' old School of Rock guitar picks, was even starting to play a little again.  I got a new honest-to-goddess record player, and dug out some ancient albums.  I was catching up on the comedy specials I had missed, during my years of avoiding the internet and having no cable.   During one particular comedy special, I laughed, for real, for the first time since I couldn't remember when.  It was a Marc Maron special.  He has a gift for comedy.  His tour was bringing him to a town near me, and I was gonna see my first live comedy show in the fall.

Sometimes I have moments happen that in hindsight, I recognize were watershed moments.  Such a moment happened to me late last summer, and it changed the trajectory of my next 8+ months.  I now think of it as "The Millennial Moment."  I was getting gas.  A person around the age of my children was doing the same.  She mentioned she was from the town where Mr. Maron would be performing soon.  I mentioned I planned to see Maron's show there.  

The look on this person's face changed.  Her physical being and aura changed.  She was someone who would be listened to.  (Omg, I just realized that was her self-agency surrounding her space.)  She said I was old enough to know Mr. Maron's history, how he popularized the fucked-up joke, "That's why there's a law."  (I did remember that joke.  I did not recognize Mr. Maron, now, as the one who told it when I first saw it performed on TV decades before.  It was a joke my father and the sda principal both had told a version of.) She said Mr. Maron was now on tiktok, because that was where his preferred dating pool now was, the average user age there not even allowed to see a Maron show alone, so were not part of his target audience.  (That changed toward the end of his recent tour.  He got PG ratings.  His material didn't change, just his potential audience.)  She said he dated much closer to teenage than his own age.  She ended by telling me I was a poor excuse for a feminist.  I could literally picture the mic-drop meme that was her exit, as she got in her car and drove away.

I was angry at that millennial for interrupting my recent ability to enjoy parts of life again.  I had never been publicly categorized as a Gen-Xer by an exasperated millennial to my face before, and it had landed.  I planned to wipe her words from my head, and forget I ever met her.  It was not to be.  I despise people who refuse to look at actual evidence, simply because they decide they like an asshole politician or preacher, or anyone they choose to blindly trust, when real evidence is shown to them.  So, I had to give things a once-over. I had to see if that millenial's words were true. I entered a rabbit hole, and was hit with pain that is very personal, to me and other's like me.  

I very much respect that person who modeled agency and frank honesty for me, at that gas station last August.  I learned from her.

Hurts to see, because I know

 The adventist principal, who realized right away I was a 13 yr-old girl with "daddy issues," is on social media now.  At one point, he belonged to 2 FB support groups for teens who had been sexually exploited.  Acting so understanding, saying the words that draw in broken teens, buddying up to the ones he was attracted to.  (This is otherwise known as grooming, something I will expand on in future posts, as I think people are picturing a howler monkey or mother cat picking fleas off their babies, whenever they read the word "grooming."  Grooming is the act of subtly saying or doing things that can be said to be an innocent slip, but are calculated to draw in sexually exploited victims.  It can happen in front of everyone, and other adults refuse to see it or admit what it is.  Very damn similar to "dog-whistling.")  It was hard for me to discover that predator principal was still doing what he had done to me and many others in the '80s.  He is still at it.  That hurts my heart.  I know how those girls are being lied to and conned by him in private.  I know how they already feel like they are to blame for being sexualized.   I know how he will convince them he cares, and later, when they are suicidal or slicing up their own skin because they were so bad and crazy they could not keep him, and did not deserve his love, he will show absolutely zero concern for them.  In 40 years, some of these girls may understand things the way I now understand things.  They may, at that point, spot other sexualized children being re-exploited, and it will hurt them.  But many of them will be in much worse circumstances than I am, filled with pain and self-hatred, unable to make sense out of anything, trying to find comfort or escape with substance abuse and other destructive behaviors. And no predator ever gives a shit that this will be their victims' futures. That principal does not at all care about how he solidified the damage my father started in me, set me up for a lifetime of pain and dysfunction, how I only just within the past 4 years learned what agency really was, how it meant more than a word represented by the last letter in CIA.  How my lack of it is exactly why I could once again be exploited by yet another goddam therapist, who spent 2 years gaining my trust, and I so badly needed to not have to admit I had once again been conned into trusting yet another human being paid to help me, so I ended up being used and blamed yet again, because it hurts too much to have to admit everyone keeps helping me just so they can fuck me.  The only way I can protect myself is to never go to any human for help again.  They all know they can fuck their clients like me, and nobody will care.  When Brooke Shields recently said she was only just recently developing agency, I felt the truth of that in my soul.    

Children with my history can escape living my fucked up existence, if they are one of the lucky few who actually meet a decent human who will show them how an adult should never be interacting sexually with an exploited child, but instead show that child what decency really looks like.  Decent humans like that are rare for young exploited children to meet.  Men like Mr. Maron sweep in, saying things like "I know you've been hurt.  I can give you what you need," followed by that subtle wink that let's the exploited young person know that now they get sexual, but this time it will be with someone who really cares.  The victim responds as is expected, as they have been trained, all the while thinking "this man will share these secret things with me, but this man is doing it all with love, so I will finally be doing all of this the way it was meant to be done."  They don't know anything else but being exploited.  So now, they think they can have an exploitive interaction with an older man who really loves them.  That is what they are thinking.  If none of that makes sense to you, go hug the adults who raised you.  They are the ones who never programmed that bullshit into your head in the first place.

Here's Why

 Since last Sept, I have been trying to quietly change a problem embedded in our society, in the hopes that I could make a difference.  Like every other systemic power differential, this problem cannot be solved quietly.  To think otherwise is to allow the abuse of power to continue.

When I first published "A Thousand Words," here on my blog, everything changed for me, as a blog creator.  I started receiving awful comments and emails, being told by a couple of people that I knew nothing about real pain or I would have stayed silent, and what needed to really happen to me to make me know my place and shut up, and other comments and shit of that nature.  It was disturbing, so I shut off my comments here, and kept my email hidden.

I am being told my new posts are just me trying to get attention or money or gain of some kind.  I have been avoiding any public attention about this, hoping to make a quiet difference, not wanting to go through everything I would be risking by saying anything publicly.  This problem, the re-exploitation of sexually exploited children that will follow such children everywhere throughout their life, keep them from fulfilling their true potential, or ever developing any self-agency, is an increasing issue that will keep growing if people like me stay silent.  

So, that is why I am creating this new series of blog posts.  I know the comments and questions and accusations I will be getting because I am doing this.  I don't want what's coming.  But who the hell else am I expecting to do it, if I won't do it myself?

Agency

 Adulthood and agency are routinely ascribed to certain children. If a 10 or 12 yr-old asks me to buy them the ingredients for a martini, I cannot say, "This child obviously knows everything about alcohol, so they are responsible, and I can get them drunk, because it is their choice." In fact, a decent adult would ask themselves why a child knows so much about alcohol in the first place, and would realize something in that child's life is not right, and that child was in need of help, not alcohol.  Yet a menstruating or sexualized child is often saddled by a twisted version of blame, a sick kind of blame-deflection, where an adult predator escapes any consequences for sexually exploiting such a child. This is wrong, and it has lifelong consequences for children who are sexualized and objectified, or who simply enter puberty as developing children naturally do, like getting teeth, and growing taller each year.  Sexual abuse, and menstruation, do not suddenly bring any wisdom or agency to a child. They are still a child.  Child sexualization actually destroys the ability to develop any agency. Brooke Shields' new documentary highlights this very truth.

A Real Predator

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 26, 2023

A Real Predator

For the last 8 months, I have known something illegal was done by a celebrity I once enjoyed. I have not said or done anything publicly about this, but I can no longer stay silent. A very damaged girl with BPD was recently in crisis, because of this celebrity's exploitation of her, and this girl has online profiles that include at least one picture of a very real gun in her possession (an AMT Backup), along with many posts containing suicidal ideation. I was quiet as another victim of this celebrity was in crisis last October. I can't stay silent a 2nd time, especially when there is a gun in this victim's possession. I could not live with myself if anything happens to this girl. Young girls are harming themselves and killing themselves more than ever, according to a recent NPR report. Mr. Maron regularly gets close to young girls, especially girls in recovery, they think he is kind and decent, he 13-steps and cons then, leaves them suicidal, then he blames them, and calls them crazy, in public, onstage, as part of his job. His latest victim is a broken little girl, whose pic would break your heart, if you don't have the heart of a predator.

There is another girl who this celebrity committed an actual crime against. And I am going to do the right thing by this victim. I am going to do the very thing I always wondered why no one did for me. I am going to speak up. I have no right to wish from others a behavior I let myself be too intimidated to do myself. No, this will not be easy. But that is irrelevant. There are very young, very broken lives at risk. These girls do not at all understand what was/is done to them. They may not, like me, make it to their 40's and 50's, and start to understand what was truly happening, unless I speak up now. And more victims will keep being exploited if no one does anything. Tag, guess I'm it.

The celebrity in question is Marc Maron. I spent the last few years offline, and last spring/summer, I started going back online, binging on youtubers like Girl In the Woods and her husband, as well as skater Brooklinn Khoury's amazing recovery journey. I discovered Barry Gibb's recent release of Greenfields, as well as the Gibb Collective, and very much enjoyed Spencer Gibb's album, Let's Start Over. I also binged on clips/shows of comedians I needed to catch up on, like Kathleen Madigan and Jo Koy, as well as Mr. Maron. I followed a number of these folks on their various social media sites. It was then I discovered Mr. Maron's IG Lives. He made, and saved, a lot. I got to see a few of his Lives in real time, starting with his watermelon caper, which was not saved.  

Last summer, starting on June 29, 2022, Mr. Maron made and posted 4 IG Lives in 2 days. Three of these Lives are here, in the links below. In these three links, Mr. Maron discusses the set he is on, and what he is doing. He mentions working with an Intimacy Coordinator, and at least once, the voice of the Intimacy Coordinator can be heard when she checks on Mr. Maron before a scene.

There was a 4th IG Live, on June 30th, which was removed a couple months later, right after I confronted Mr. Maron in an email regarding that saved Live. (I will post 2 emails at the end of this, the one where I confronted him, and the next one I wrote soon after it, to document when that IG Live in question had been removed from Mr. Maron's Instagram reels.) He started that Live after finishing a Delores Roach scene where he was nearly naked, on a table at some point. He was a bit agitated as he started this Live. He said something had happened, and he wasn't sure what to do. He said after the scene ended, he stayed on the set table until everyone left. He said a girl came in to clean the set, per covid protocol. He said as he was getting up he reached down to move, and his genitals were exposed. He said he had to keep staring at the girl as they were exposed, to see if she had seen. He said that now he didn't know if he should tell the Intimacy Coordinator, or not. He said that last part a couple of times throughout that Live. The last time he said it, he said that because he had said it "here on this Live," it was okay not to tell the Intimacy Coordinator.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CfaP9sGj44k/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cfb4H0TjTsV/

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CfcBaM9jN5A/

The only person Mr. Maron should have said anything to was the Intimacy Coordinator, and he should have gone to her immediately. He was risking the exposure of the identity of that girl working on set, by saying what he said on his IG Live. Not to mention he should have told the Intimacy Coordinator so she could make sure the girl was not upset by the matter. At least a few hundred Maron IG followers saw him say this in real time, and many more views happened later, until it was removed when I confronted him.

Here is the OMG email I sent to Mr. Maron regarding his behavior:

"From: Judy S. Lentz <XXXXXXXXXXXX>

Date: Sat, Sep 3, 2022, 8:33 PM

Subject: OMG

To: <wtfpod@gmail.com>

You flashed that girl on that set in Canada, didn't you, and then got to keep staring at her to see if she took the bait, then covered your ass by explaining it on instagram live, so you didn't have to talk to the person trying to protect folks on set from people like you. Damn, you are scary good."

Here is the follow up email I sent, when I realized that particular Instagram Reel was removed right after my OMG email was read:

"From: Judy S. Lentz <sighlentz65@gmail.com>

Date: Sun, Sep 4, 2022, 10:07 AM

Subject: OMG followup

To: <wtfpod@gmail.com>

Digitally documenting that between the time I sent the original OMG email last night until this morning, you have removed the saved Canadian set IGLive, which I referenced in that email, from you Instagram account."

Mr. Maron has publicly joked onstage for 30+ years about chasing young girls who have been sexually exploited by their "Daddies," and how he trauma bonds with these girls, and loves how great the sex is with these "crazy" "lunatic" girls who are diagnosed with BPD because of their childhood trauma. He regularly grooms these young broken girls, in many of his IG Lives, and in a few of his first tiktok posts. Underage girls respond to him, and then right there in the replies to other "maron accounts" showing up, often hooking up with these girls, which is talked about right there in those replies under Mr. Maron's posts, and nobody checks to see if it is really Maron in private accounts misusing these girls, or if it is predators who may do the same or worse. These girls are groomed by Mr. Maron, and obviously at risk from him and/or others, and nobody cares.

I thought #me,too, had helped. Instead, the SDA principal who exploited me, starting at 13, because he was looking for those same damn "Daddy Issues," now has more access to girls. Yes, he is online to this day, right along with Marc Maron. And just as when I was 13, nobody cares.

In Sept, Mr. Maron started removing some clips online that I mentioned, clips that show his predatory exploitive behavior that started over three decades ago. But one interview remains. Mr. Maron makes his feelings clear in this interview. Why he is currently marketed for children, I cannot fathom. He made it clear in a recent podcast at the Comedy Store, that the law is why he stops at 18. (Now see, here is an actual predator, who has a popular Thanksgiving book-reading for kids, some of whom he can imagine fucking as soon as they hit 18. And this predator is NOT a drag queen. He is a predator. I truly wish people could learn the difference.) Here is the interview Marc Maron did not get removed:

"Hadley Freeman

Saturday 16, June 2018

On his podcast, Maron has been excellent at calling comedians out for unacceptable behaviour. He has confronted people about joke-stealing and taken others to task for homophobia. So I wonder if he regrets any of his own past jokes. In 1999, he appeared on David Letterman and said he knew he was getting older when teenage girls stopped looking at him as a sexual being. “Don’t misunderstand: I’m not saying I want to have sex with teenage girls… I’m lying: of course I want to have sex with teenage girls. Come on, doesn’t everyone? That’s why there’s a law.” In 2014, he was interviewed on US TV and asked about his reputation for dating much younger women. “Yeah, resolving daddy issues since 1989. I’m here to help the young ladies,” he replied.

But when a male fan wrote to Maron recently to suggest that maybe he should take that Letterman clip down from his website, he was outraged.“What am I, a personal totalitarian state? I’m going to have to start erasing my history? I don’t think it’s an inappropriate joke. I mean, the idea that men want to have sex with teenage girls – really, are you shocked? It says a lot that somebody – that a man – would reach out and say, ‘It’s not a good look to have that joke up.’ What is happening?” he asks.

Marc Maron: ‘I’m familiar with coke, anger, bullying, selfishness’ | Comedy | The Guardian"