Joe Camel

 

Cigarettes have a varied and interesting history.  Camel cigarettes once had a slogan similar to the ad campaign that mentioned 4 out of 5 dentists recommending a certain brand of toothpaste.  Doctors were once cited in an ad campaign as preferring Camel cigarettes above all others.  Thankfully, we have come a long way, from the days of such ads.

In the '90's, a popular cigarette mascot was retired.  Old Joe, the most famous camel who ever lived, was removed from circulation.  Kids around the world recognized Joe Camel in greater numbers than Mickey Mouse.  It took a long time, but the marketing campaigns geared toward bringing in new smokers by targeting children, were finally called out and stopped.  As a smoker who wishes I had never started, I wholeheartedly approve of ceasing such ad campaigns.  Do I think Joe Camel, and products like candy cigarettes, are to blame for me smoking?  I don't think they did anything helpful for me or other smokers my age, that's for sure.

It took a long time for society to recognize how Joe Camel was introducing a dangerous substance to the minds of children.  When society recognizes that children are influenced by ad campaigns targeted toward them, certain products can be forced by consumers to stop being marketed directly to children.  Did Old Joe's removal help less children take up smoking?  The numbers seem to back that idea up.  I doubt tobacco companies would readily admit to that proof, but why would they?  When I die earlier than I might have, from some disease attributed to years of smoking, my contribution to tobacco funding will need to come from somewhere.  Morals and ethics aside, priming children to purchase a product as soon as they hit 18 makes great marketing sense.

Sexual predators who are afraid of being raped in prison, may limit themselves to victims 18 and older, at least when they are in countries where 18 is the legal age.  But they know damn well how to start the grooming process much earlier than 18.  It's all about marketing.  They will continue grooming children for as long as society continues to ignore, deny, and allow it.

The Truth About Grooming

In trying to bring attention to the re-exploitation of sexually abused girls with BPD, which is an ongoing problem that causes suicidal and self-harming behaviors in already very broken girls to increase, there is a very real need for people to be shown the truth.  Marc Maron, the sda principal, all the other old predators re-exploiting sexually exploited children, never have to admit what it is they are doing, how often they are doing it, how they are getting away with public grooming of damaged children.  Letting a man, who only sees the legal age of 18 as any kind of limit, be viewed as safe by children, allows him to groom children.  Blaming sexually abused children for responding to such grooming is wrong.  Mr. Maron, who only sees 18 as the limit, should not be marketed to children.  He is not an old man who is innocently being approached by "enamored" sexualized little girls.  He grooms them.  They would not think to even glance his way, if he was not grooming them.  The sda principal does the same thing.  These predators are the ones drawing in broken children.  Until that is called what it is, and stopped, no child is safe from predators like this.

My next few blog posts will try and make this specific issue clearer.  These grooming old predators know exactly what they are doing, and children need to be protected from such grooming, not blamed for responding to it.  Children already exhibiting the symptoms of BPD do not need these predators brought into their lives, and then be blamed for responding. 

A Little Follow-up

 I need to clarify something I wrote in my recent blog post, "What Gets Stolen."  There is a sentence where I mention being ostracized from my paternal family, for behaving like a slut when I was five.  That is a simplification of a very complex reality.  

Starting from about 2 years of age on, I began displaying sexualized behaviors.  Not the normal "playing doctor" kind of stuff, either. Behavior that made a number of my babysitters tell my mom they would not watch me anymore, because of what I was doing with other children.  Behaviors that made a paternal aunt once tell my mom to "Keep your slut daughter away from my sons."  That was the first time I ever heard the word "slut."  Me, and one of my cousins (yes, one of her sons), tried to figure out what that word meant, as she had also used that word while telling my cousin why I was bad.  Our 5 yr-old minds didn't figure out that definition we would eventually come to know well, in a patriarchy that is quick to place such labels on cis girls.

Fast forward decades.  After I made the decision in '93 to cease all contact with my father for the sake of my young children, I lost touch with the paternal family members I had grown up with.  Outside of one cousin, who realized there was a legit reason I was no longer having any contact with my father and made sure to invite me and my kids over for get-togethers she set up when my father would not be around, I simply disappeared from that family.  There were whispers about why.  Some of those whispers were accurate.  But the spoken narrative that seemed to get the most traction, was that I was angry at my father for cheating on my mom so much, so I stopped coming around.  When I finally posted "A Thousand Words," here in my blog years ago, the truth about my absence from paternal family get-togethers was known.  I have had a few chances to reconnect with some on this side of my family, but those connections have not ended well.  I am not an easy person to draw back in to any family fold.  Especially when the current narrative about me is that my childhood was not what I have always known it was.  My childhood sexualized behaviors, which got me in trouble a lot from the age of 2 on, and caused a paternal aunt to see my behavior as slutty, is now being completely attributed to me as some sort of birth defect, and I am viewed as delusionally making up what my father and pam were doing to me.  I am now being viewed as a once tiny delusional hypersexualized toddler.  How am I supposed to feel comfortable around those who prefer to see me as a slutty toddler with severe delusions, while choosing to see my father as innocent of anything he actually put me through?  My father, a known philandering habitual liar who was once married to a hooker who was in my life for over 4 years. My father has always exhibited fucked up sexual behavior, in a family that has kept other predators in their ranks hidden as well, in past generations.  I can't comfortably be around people who are in denial of such glaring truths.  If my father was a decent, kind, honest, devoted man who had treated me with any sort of parental love at all, I could understand the hesitancy in believing me.  Nothing about my memories is delusional.  I was not a natural born slut.  And I can't be around family who are choosing to see me that way.  I love my extended paternal family members.  I miss them.  I understand why they have to be in denial.  I don't envy their position, the awful place my father's abusive choices toward me has placed his siblings and their offspring.  It all simply is what it is.

I hope that helps clarify that simplified statement I wrote, regarding my absence from the paternal side of my family.  Anyone who thinks poorly of this side of my family, please try to ask yourself what you would honestly do, if in their position.   Parental sexual abuse of a child is not just cruel and abusive to the abused child in the family. 

Magical Thinking

I have often heard people say that if I expect bad things, bad things will happen.  So, there is a part of me who always continues to believe good things will happen.  Kind of like knocking on wood.  Or praying.  I can't prove tree flesh or god have any influence, but I also don't want to be the one who caused something bad to occur because I didn't do some little thing correctly.  I think this is what is called "magical thinking." Does it work?  I can't answer that without risking divine or arboreal retribution.

Do I think anything in my blog posts since April 26 will have any positive outcome for the group I belong to?  At the risk of pissing off every skygod and superstitious backfire possible, I am going to be honest.  No.  I foresee Marc Maron in future animated movies, and Maron followers making it clear they have no problem with him interacting with their children.  Mostly, though, I foresee busy and distracted parents having no idea who their children are being exposed to in the media and at school, who their children are being taught to view as safe, who their children are interacting with online.  Children are interacting with all sorts of predators, right this second, and not on some dark web.  

Years ago, I watched the radical right purposely set up an exploitive situation with a child, in response to the women who came forward about roy moore.  I am going to copy that blog post as written, which I originally published in 2017, and is now archived.  There will be a link included to the interview with moore.  I like to think no more children will be offered up to predators.  But you know what that is, right?  Magical thinking.

"Interview

I have spent decades wondering how my father's cruelty could be missed by my family, how the adventist principal's behavior could be missed by a whole congregation, how so many humans can decide to not see the truth right in front of their eyes.

I have realized, over the past few years, that refusing to see the truth is a flaw shared by many humans. Today, I saw something that made this even more clear for me.

I have been watching the campaign for senator in Alabama closely. It has been difficult to witness. I have been preparing myself for the moment I may have to accept that a part of my homeland has voted a man like the adventist principal into my country's senate. I thought that moment would be awful. But what I just saw now is even worse than that moment may feel. I saw this:

Interview

This is so wrong, I do not have the correct words to describe how it feels to see this.

Right now, my heart is with those women who were harmed by that man when they were young. This interview will harm each of their hearts in a horrible way. My heart also breaks for that child in this interview, who has no clue how she has just been used. 

Tomorrow, I will spend any free time I have near the river. I have very little faith left in anything most humans might do."

Extremes

 

A BPD diagnosis will include a lot of symptoms seen as extreme. If I have learned anything about how people are going to view me whenever I try to vocalize how I've experienced life, it is that my emotions manifest orally in ways others experience as extreme. For some reason, my vocal limitations are seen as part of me having a diagnosable mental problem. The actual words I've tried to audibly express don't find their way through ear canals. My inability to orate calmly finds its way into a chart as a symptom of some mental health diagnosis, often BPD. If I try to explain why a lifetime of recurring pain and blame hurts, why the death of my kitten left my voice disconnected from the rest of my mind, I am told I protest too much, I must be hiding something, or I am simply making weak-ass excuses for not wanting to figure out how to vocalize like a normal person. And then the biggie, the one response guaranteed to shut me the fuck up: I am told my shaky voice, my obvious distress, my inability to maintain eye contact, all mean I am lying.  (I dare anyone to spend 4 years of childhood staring into the eyes of someone like pam, and come out of that relishing eye contact.)

Once, while attending an adventist academy in Arizona when I was 9, I tried to tell my mom that pam was at my school every day, staring at me on the playground, watching me in the cafeteria to see if I took, or even looked at, any desserts, making sure I was not talking to other kids about anything.  My mom replied by saying, "Why would she do that? That's crazy." Think I ever tried to talk about it again? Think I can vocally talk about that time in my life right now in a calm voice? Think the terror and frustration in my 9 yr-old heart upon hearing that word "crazy" can be kept from distorting my facial muscles and skin if I try to speak aloud about all of that now? Part of why I am diagnosable with mental illnesses is because I cannot speak "correctly." I did not want to be taught the shit I was taught. I did not have any idea how my future was being formed by my childhood experiences.  If there was any way for me to have unlearned every goddam thing that created extreme responses in me, I would have learned it. Fifteen years ago, when I finally went to college, my 4.0 GPA was proof that I am a person who is quite capable of learning. I am not the dumb slut blond everyone sees. If I could unlearn my incorrect vocal deficits, I would have done it by now.  

Do I have BPD? Sure. But I have learned something this past decade, and that is the truth behind that popular definition of insanity. Same shit is gonna keep happening to the humans in my group, if they keep being blamed and re-exploited over and over. They will keep having that "kick me" label of BPD slapped on them, which makes them targets of predators like my sda principal, like Marc Maron, and that will only lead to further escalating behaviors that will be used to increase the blame placed on the person diagnosed with BPD. This problem will never be solved if we don't stop sexualizing and blaming cis girls from the moment they are born, and letting predators use those girls with no repercussions. 

BPD Signs and Symptoms

 

When I was 13, and displaying symptoms that would currently be labled as "BPD," I had no idea that my first years of life had created behaviors and signs that others could spot in me.  I didn't know that the way I reacted to the adventist principal was behavior that could be seen by others as different, as me doing things that less or non-sexualized children didn't do or say.  I had no awareness of how my inner world was making my outer physical self do things that let predators know exactly what they could get away with doing to me.  Adult predators will say, publicly, to this very day, that a sexualized child "knows exactly what they are doing."  No.  They do not.  A sexualized child is unaware of outward signs they exhibit.  Let me try to elaborate.  (Yes, this means I'm going to "ramble," "zig-zag," appear to go "off-topic," etc.  Don't like that I do this?  Don't read this.)

When my dog wants to go outside, his ears perk up, and he goes to stand beneath the hook where his leash is hanging.  He has no idea that there are other dogs who will ask to go outside by sitting in front of, or pawing at, a door.  He has no idea some dogs simply slip through a rubber or plastic flap in a "doggie door" made for just that purpose.  My dog has been conditioned to go out on a leash.  That's where his awareness ends.

Children learn what they are taught, and are unaware that there is anything different going on elsewhere in the world. Over time, the human mind is usually capable of discovering there are as many differing ways to experience and react to life, as their are people living it. Those discoveries only come with time. Lots of time. Hearing others tell stories, watching other families interact, visiting other neighborhoods, regions, countries, reading books and watching TV shows or movies, entering classrooms and interacting with peers, studying subjects that open up their minds to experiences outside of their own. It takes decades of living to fully begin to understand all of the ways humans are behaving. Children have no idea why they are doing anything. A shoeless 12 yr-old, laying on their belly lifting their feet up and crossing them, reading a book on the floor or on their bed, or looking at a rock or a bug in the grass, has no way of knowing that there are grown ass men who find that common childhood pose to be a turn-on, and when a child is displaying such behavior, there are men who say, publicly, "Look at the way she is laying there, she knows exactly what she is doing, she is just asking for it." That child knows nothing. That grown ass man knows he can say such a thing, and other adults may choose to place a sexualized adult filter in front of that child, tinting a normal childhood behavior with intentions that child will not know anything about until they are much older. Even a sexualized child will not understand why certain adults respond sexually to that common child pose. They may know it makes an uncle or a neighbor or a teacher happy when they are displaying this childhood behavior, but that child does not at all understand any of the sick things going on in adult predators' minds. They are just doing things the way adults around them are conditioning them to do. That same child may rinse out their cereal bowl and place it in a dishwasher every morning. This child has no way of knowing other children might leave the bowl on a coffee table, or set the bowl in a sink without rinsing out the soggy flakes, or not use a bowl at all for the kinds of foods other children see as normal food to ingest as the sun comes up. Children do what they do because of conditioning. Understanding, intentions, a grasp of bigger concepts, all of that is not part of childhood. Those concepts only come with time, age, expanding experiences. 

The sda principal saw the way I moved, the responses I gave when he had me sit next to him, the way I was unable to easily engage with my peers. Combine that with my bitten fingernails, and that teacher knew exactly what he could get away with doing to me. (Yes, I know damn well bitten nails are not exclusive to those experiencing childhood sexual exploitation. But when combined with other signs of sexualized conditioning, those gnawed nails are a glaring red flag.)

A child gains no wisdom the day their first wisdom tooth erupts. A child gains no knowledge the day they measure above 5 feet tall. Menstruation, new hair growth, changing physical development, nowhere in any of this is a single ounce of wisdom or understanding being added to a child's mind. Adults around them are the ones that child first starts to gain knowledge and understanding from, and a sexualized child who keeps being drawn in and re-exploited by predators will never have a chance to gain the wisdom they truly need to escape that awful cycle, if no decent adults will step in and stop the cycle of sexual re-exploitation. Sexualized children tend to make decent adults uncomfortable. It seems to me it must be easier for such adults to say to themselves, "Hey, that child was just born acting promiscuous. Their choice to be that way. Not my problem." That is a form of blaming the victim, and it means sexualized children like I was, almost never receive help.  

Five of Marc Maron's victims who have been used by him since the fall of 2020, speak of having BPD, behave with obvious signs of sexualized conditioning and trauma, and have those godawful gnawed nails that immediately grip my heart in a painful vise. I know what these broken girls are going thru. I can't silently know this shit anymore.  

Unless, until, those like me who know what is really happening start to speak up and defend these young broken humans, afab children will continue being sexualized from toddler-hood on, and misused by predators who will be marketed to them as safe and will publicly misuse them with no repercussions. These children will self-harm and kill themselves in greater and greater numbers each year, because they are as imprisoned by their surroundings as the afab children who are forced to cover themselves head to foot in other countries, where blame and agency is being horrendously mislaced onto them.

My People

People are categorized.  Right or wrong, for whatever reasons, this happens.  I think this is probably an evolutionary response, an inborn part of humans being herd animals.  The spread of covid made terms like "herd immunity" become part of mainstream conversation, and the reaction of others to this term sometimes surprised me.  Some people really don't like hearing humans referred to as "animals."  But we are.  We are an interconnected part of all living beings on this planet, and we share characteristics with other species who have developed as herd animals.  Humans survive because there are other humans around them.  A newborn placed somewhere alone, and left there, will not survive, unless another living being shows up to help them.  Belonging is fundamental to survival for all herd animals. 

I have struggled to figure out what group I fit with, where I belonged, for most of my life.  Whenever I was at Orthopedic Hospital in Los Angeles, or Shriners' hospital in Portland,  or any children's hospital anywhere, I felt a bit of a connection to the other children undergoing medical procedures.  But that connection was often broken by something I had no control over.  Because I had been traumatized by the death of my kitten, Barney, I had learned to never react or vocalize when adults were doing something that was painful or scary.  Blood draws, swallowing gross tasting medications, seeing a cast saw coming at me, having my hip stretched or bent in painful ways, insertions of IV lines, I never reacted outwardly to any of these things.  Whenever another child in the children's ward was reacting badly to something painful or scary, the nurse would point at me and say, "Why can't you be brave, like Judy?"  The way that made the other children feel immediately excluded me from the rest of those children.  I was no longer part of that group.  And it had nothing to do with me being "brave."  I was terrified of doing anything wrong.  No stoic, heroic strength involved at all.  Just terror.

As I got older, there were two groups I discovered I could identify with a little bit:  Vietnam veterans, and those who had once been child soldiers.  When I would hear people from these groups talk, I understood a lot of the emotional pain they spoke of, how awful it was to have been following orders that they would never have chosen to take part in on their own, and to often be blamed for all of it.  But I had not been to Vietnam, and I was never "conscripted" into any military.  So I was not really part of those groups.

Over the past decade or so, it has finally been dawning on me that I do belong to a group, a subset of humans who share a lot of similar fears and pain, who live lives based on very similar trauma, which usually occurred while we were children, and directly affects each of our lives.  Trauma that creates behaviors so misunderstood by everyone else around us, and by each of us who are members.  We are part of every race, religion, class, region, gender, every other category humans divide themselves into, everywhere on this planet.  

In trying to open Marc Maron's eyes to the pain behind those broken girls he has been drawing in, re-exploiting, and joking about onstage for decades, I tried to bring out the ways my group has been mistreated, and how this is somewhat similar to the way other groups have experienced the "othering" humans are so good at doing.  Just this morning, in Mr. Maron's intro to his latest podcast, he describes the horrendous way antisemitism creates people capable of doing inhumane things to those they label as "others."  The pain Mr. Maron feels, the fear our current political climate creates for certain humans, is very apparent in his words.  It is awful, the things people do to each other, because they feel righteous in defining other humans as part of a group that can be dehumanized and mistreated.

Mr. Maron was not capable of understanding anything I wrote, trying to make him realize how wrong it is to target and further harm the group I belong to, a group he has been harming publicly for decades.  He doesn't ever have to understand or stop, either.  Sexualized children are a group that can be targeted, misused, and left in worse condition, and most of humanity won't see this as wrong.  The members of my group not only carry horrible pain, we carry all of the blame for what that pain has done to each of us.

Prioritizing sacrifice

 I am definitely a left-leaning person, politically.  Part of that lean came from how readily my church was willing to blame 13 yr-old me for my 33 yr-old sda school principal grooming and re-abusing me.  I saw the left as being part of the answer to reducing the number of children having to live my life.

The unacceptable deaths of children in schools, by gun violence, is horribly wrong.  Nobody seems able to do anything.  I have actually heard a number of adults saying this is simply the sacrifice we must accept, as a country where we have a right to own guns.

As cis girls are sexualized and objectified early in the first couple years of life, and all children are now easy to groom and sexually exploit publicly on social media while they are still children, I have heard a number of adults say this is simply the sacrifice of having technological advances.

Both of these sacrifices, by many from varying political leanings, are utter bullshit.  Come on, really?  My fucking whole life is simply what has to continue happening to more and more children, so others can use platforms where there are no protections for children?  Teen girls increasingly harming themselves and taking their own lives is the sacrifice that must be offered so everyone can stare at their phones all day?  Families forced to suffer unimaginable loss are the sacrifice for freedom?  Children left unidentifiable by ammunition are simply the sacrifice that must be made so every person has easy access to firearms?

Law abiding citizens can legally own guns, and social media can allow humans to interact, all while children can be protected.  The only required sacrifice would be adults taking the time to make protection of children a priority.

Cosby, and the Kellermans' Wisdom

 When I write, it is usually me putting down the words I wish I could say out loud, but can't.   The part of my head that vocalizes is slow, and feels somehow disconnected from the rest of my mind.  If a situation is tense for any reason, my mind does something I refer to as "shut down" mode.  This makes my mind even slower.  It can take hours, or days, or even longer, for my mind to catch up to what was happening that made my brain shut down.  At that point, I can think of what I would like to have said in response to whatever was happening.  This is the source of a lot of what I have written since I was nine, and I wrote my first poem, about a dog dying on the side of the road in front of a church, and nobody else was noticing what a car had done to that dog, how it was suffering.

When my kids were growing up, I was seen as a permissive, ungodly parent.  I own that, one-hundred percent.  Still would be, today.  Pikachu was not demonic, any music my kids liked could be played in our van or from the ancient boom box in our backyard, and if my kids asked to see a movie or TV show, and it wasn't rated pg, I simply watched it with them, so they could ask questions about topics they didn't understand.  I once heard author Faye Kellerman say that she and her husband, author Jonathan Kellerman, did not restrict what their children read, they simply read whatever it was, too, and discussed it with the interested child.  This made sense to me.  It did not make sense to any other parents I knew.  I know my parenting skills were called into question a lot.  In looking back, my biggest mistakes were the times I let others pressure me into changing my initial parenting decisions.

My kids enjoyed comedians.  I cannot tell you how awesome it was for me to share Bill Cosby's classic stage performance with them, and hear them quote from that special, like my sis and I once did, back when that special aired for the first time.  My kids would repeat those jokes, on the way to the dentist, or on a morning I would let them talk me into serving leftover chocolate cake for breakfast.  (Yes, with orange juice.)  It broke all of our hearts when Cosby's predatory behavior was finally made public.  Mr. Cosby was a hero to my oldest son.  Even that, though painful to discover, was a learning time for my kids, as I explained how predators in this world can hide their behavior.  Later, when my daughter had a close classmate experience sexual abuse by a beloved teacher, and someone in the middle of that mess did take their own life because of the pain, the lessons were clearer, to my daughter.  It was part of her encouraging me to blog about my childhood, because she had, a couple of times, gotten a gut feeling that her friend was being harmed by their teacher, but my daughter did as most of society does, talked herself out of what her gut had known.  She realized why predators get away with harming kids.  She told me I needed to write about that, so kids could be better protected.

I do not believe in censorship.  But I do believe in parents/guardians/adults making sure children and vulnerable young people are protected from predators.  Joking about sex can be funny as hell.  Joking about past partners who were difficult elicits a lot of laughs.  But using sexual circumstances to groom, misuse, and re-exploit much younger emotionally damaged youth is always wrong.  To joke about an emotionally damaged much younger girl, as if she was an equal peer in a healthy relationship, is always bullshit. That is predatory behavior. 

Censorship is bullshit.  Blindly letting a 59 yr-old man harm mentally and emotionally damaged much younger girls, blindly letting that man start publicly grooming little children so they see him as safe, is wrong.

Lucky one

I did not want to be the one who spoke up publicly about Marc Maron's harmful behavior. During the last few weeks before this past April 26, I increased the personalization of my writing, in hopes something might finally convince Mr. Maron to face and stop his re-exploitation of girls from my group, those children harmed by sexual exploitation and objectification.  (The latest girl in crisis, and her access to a gun, ended my attempts to reach Mr. Maron himself.)  I am going to post 3 of these last emails.  I am posting these because I really let myself re-feel how deeply it hurts to be silenced, as a child.  Each sexually exploited child is silenced in different ways, but whatever the method, such silencing works.  The next time anyone reading this might be tempted to view a sexualized child as being the one who is responsible for their sexualized behavior, I hope these emails may give that person a better idea of just how malformed the neural pathways in such a child have been shaped, and not because the child ever wanted to think that way.  

Please be warned, the following is harsh, and will be triggering.  

______________

"Cosplay

Mar 17, 2023, 7:10 AM

So, ready to explore another imagined scenario? Why do I hear your voice saying, "Cunt, shut the fuck up, you raging bitch, and leave me alone!"  Close to the truth? Prolly.

So, what I am gettin ready to do, is not technically cosplay. Oh well, sue me for poor choice in subject lines. I am gonna set up a scene, gently lower 5 yr old you into it, and see where it goes.

All following imaginings have zero connection to any single person in your life or family. Please do not think I am inferring anything regarding any of them. This is just me, trying to explain something in a way you might be able to really feel.

Buckle up? Or not. Makes me no nevermind. (Put a pin in this last sentence. It will come up later.)

I have heard you talk of dogs you experienced as a child. I have not heard you discuss any cats you interacted with early in life. So, please take how you feel about your cats now, spread that deck-of-cards-worth of emotionally ranged feelings cats can evoke in their adult coexistors, and pick out the cards representing how children tend to feel about their pets. Throw the other cards off to the side, and lay out the ones you picked, tarot-reading style. Focus on these feelings children experience for their beloved animals. 

Imagine a day when you were around five. Imagine the house where you lived. See the way your bedroom ceiling looked at night, what shadows you saw before drifting off. Imagine going outside, looking down in the grass or dirt, and seeing a toy you once played with, how it looked whenever you found it laying beside a tree trunk or under a rosebush. A cap-gun or a tonka truck, a magnetic gyro wheel, or maybe a wooden beagle on a leash, legs moving independently as you pulled it along. You back there?

Turn around and see Buster, as a kitten, approaching little you. He responds to little you differently. He comes up and rubs his tickly whiskers and cheek fur against your kneecap, as you look around your yard. You reach down and wrap your arms around his belly, picking him up in that way cats only tolerate from human children. His face and concurrently his hind end dangle degradingly, on either side of his hoisted and squeezed arm-encircled belly, bouncing along as little you heads toward the faucet on the side of the house. You set Buster down, he flops it, while you struggle to turn the awkward handle. A trickle comes out of the spout. You curl your hands into a cup, barely noticing the smeared dirt and kid sweat and cat hair in the creases of your palms. The water is cold. Tastes like pennies. You get more, and offer it to Buster. He sniffs it, then goes back to licking his paw. You stand up, forget to turn off the handle, and walk around the house. Buster gets up in time to dash through the open screen door past your legs, as you head inside. You sit on the couch as the sun goes down. You hear Buster crunching cat chow. Gilligan's Island comes on. Things get fuzzy. You must've slept a little, because you realize someone is standing over you and you didn't see her walk through the door and up to you. A woman you know. She comes over when your father is home and your mom isn't. She looks mad. She has brown eyes that turn black when she is mad. You scramble back and up, until you are sitting as close to the arm of the couch as you can get. The woman sits next to you. She never moves her angry eyes away from your face. You are in trouble. What did you do wrong? Think. If you can think of it fast enough, maybe her eyes will go back brown. What did you do? What did you do?  

Your father walks over. You finally make your eyes stop looking at the woman's angry eyes. You see your father is carrying Buster. Your face and stomach go really cold. What did you let Buster do? Your kitten has scared eyes. The woman is talking. You can't stop looking at Buster's eyes. The woman says you told your mom about this woman coming over. Did you? When did you do that? Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done that.

Your father squats down in front of you. Puts Buster in your lap, holding Buster's paws tightly between his whitening fingers of his hands, that have curled up, almost into fists. Buster starts to make yowly noises. You reach out to try and grab him out of the big hands. The woman flashes her hands over yours, forces your hands down onto Buster's fur. His neck. You feel hard lumps and string-type things under his skin. The string things feel like they are getting tighter. Buster tries to lift his head up. He is reaching. He wants away. His eyes are scared. Your chest is burning. You try to pull your hands out from under the woman's hands. You have to hit her. You have to help Buster. Your hands are gone. You still see them. Under the woman's hands, her knuckles going white, around Buster's neck. You see them, your hands. But they must have fell off. You can't feel them. You can't feel them. Why can't you feel them? Move them. Buster. Move your hands. Hit the woman's arms. Help Buster. Help Buster. His eyes are sticking out, are growing bubbles. They are going to pop. Help him. Buster. Make your hands move. Buster. I'm sorry I told my mom. I'm sorry, Buster. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Buster.

______________

Mar 17, 2023, 8:32 AM

If you think that last email must've been hard for me, you are right. I will be unable to eat anything today. My face is wet, from tears I do not remember crying. In trying to place you into that moment, I was taken back to that moment. The worst fucking moment of my whole fucking life. I just forced the vestiges of my 5-yr-old mind that still reside in my brain, to re-experience that fucking moment. All to make a point. Saddest part, I am doing this for a man who does not give one single shit about me now, the child I was when my Buster-look-alike kitten Barney was killed, or any girl who has, in her own set of fucked up experiences, been sexualized and objectified and silenced and turned into a girl who will always be re-exploited, over and over, by men who choose to act like you.  

So, fuck you for not caring, maron. You think that bothers me? You think I give a shit if you care or not? I have lived a lifetime of being re-exploited by men just like you. I don't give a duck fuck what you think about me, motherfucker.

Remember the sentence in the last email, where I asked you to put a pin in it? Well, unpin that sentence and insert it here:

"Buckle up? Or not. Makes me no nevermind. (Put a pin in this last sentence. It will come up later.)"

That quote is a lie. As is this paragraph I just wrote: "So, fuck you for not caring, maron. You think that bothers me? You think I give a shit if you care or not? I have lived a lifetime of being re-exploited by men just like you. I don't give a duck fuck what you think about me, motherfucker."

Those are lies. Every single goddam time I have brushed off and walked away from, the pain I have been caused by every man (and woman, to a lesser degree), who has re-exploited me, I am surrounding myself in a wall. A big thick, solid as fuck, wall. Most of the time, that wall lets me believe I have always known how bad men are, lets me believe it never surprises me to hear about 13 yr olds being rescued from a locked shed in NC after being abducted by a predator who met that girl online at places and posts just like your very tiktok and instagram, or little children like Samantha Runnion, who are abducted and used and thrown away like so much trash. This fucking wall keeps me from having to feel what lies buried inside and under that wall. You know what that shit under there is, maron? It is the pain I feel, because I understand intimately what that 13-yr-old went through, because I wish I could stop her abductor in a manner that would keep children safe from him forever, because the story of "Mantha Ray Runnion," wrecked me when it happened, and the worst thing I felt was something I could not admit, because it would be so misunderstood: I knew Samantha Runnion was actually lucky. She died. She was spared the hell of "trauma bonding" with some old man when she was 13, or 16, or 18, or 22, or even fifty-fucking-three, an old man who acted like he cared, who knew exactly how much she had been hurt, who she told herself she did not trust, but who, in the secret places in her heart, truly wanted to finally be the man who was not just using her like her abductor was. This man KNOWS what she has been through. He was drawn to her because he knew her deepest pain. There is no way this man would ever just use her body, and later make jokes about how her pain has messed her up. It was her pain that drew him to her. He wouldn't do that just to get off. He has to know how badly it would hurt me to find out he was just misusing me. If I do everything right for him, he will not leave me. He will care for me so much, we can both learn about love. He knows my pain. He won't hurt me. We will help each other. He won't use me in jokes. He knows my pain. Only a bad man would hurt me again. He is decent. This man will be the time I do not end up being hurt. This man will make all my abduction/rape disappear. He will be a man that will never hurt me. My pain will finally go away.

In every one of my emails, describing how I watched other broken girls suffering because of being re-exploited, I made it sound like I was never one of those gullible girls. Even the mf'ers using me for decades never knew that inside my walls, way in a dark corner, was a tiny belief that maybe this person will care enough not to further destroy me. Every time I was re-exploited, the wall got thicker. It was only at that SAA meeting in my 40's, where that truth-speaking woman slammed me with truth, did I finally begin to understand any of this shit. In my teens and 20's and 30's, I said whatever the fuck I knew men wanted me to say, expected me to say. Did what the fuck they wanted. I said I was mature, grown up, grinned about my sluttiness with them, degraded myself. Why? Why did I do this?

Because since that moment my mind started scrambling desperately to find the right combination of words and promises that would make pam and my father happy, would let my Barney stop struggling and not be killed, let the bad stuff stop because I had finally discovered what it was I was supposed to say and do to keep my father and pam happy, so that they would not hurt my kitten. Not hurt me. Since that very fucking moment, I have still been scrambling to get the right combination of words together, to say the right thing, to try and stop the pain people choose to cause others. I am still, behind that wall inside, a child who believes I am the one that made Barney have to die, and it was my failure to say the right words, that made my father and pam keep choosing to fuck children, take pictures of children, make a child's pet die.

I really want you to be a human who simply didn't understand the damage you were doing. See, and if that is true, then maybe I can find the right combination of words to help you decide to no longer re-exploit exploited girls. Fucked up, huh? So, the facade of me, outside my miles-thick wall, says, "makes me no nevermind," "I don't give a duck fuck," and every other way I try to deny me feeling any pain, I am desperately trying to deny that behind the wall in my mind, a little girl is forever frozen in a moment, desperately trying to say the right words, so her Barney won't die.

If you can smile and keep re-exploiting girls after that, then you fucking deserve whatever comes your way. Me, outside the wall, I will not care. But inside of me, to that little girl, you are yet another human who will not stop causing pain to happen in this world. You would help pam and her father finish Barney off.

And I am done for now. Heading out. If this isn't edited correctly, fuck you.

(Yep, some more of that denial of the fact that it does hurt, somewhere in me, that you do not give a fuck for me, or any other broken girl. Make you feel powerful and badass to be breaking broken children over and over? Make you feel good to have me admit the pain you have caused me? Fuck you.)

________________

Mar 18, 2023, 6:31 AM

Did you look up Samantha Runnion? Do me a huge solid, okay old man? If that story will cause a blood rush and tugs and twitches, do not, do not do that to the memory of that precious child. Let her rest in predatory-free peace. Let her be. She is at the rainbow bridge, with the cat she loved, who can be found next to her in a photo online. The childfucker who destroyed her, used her love of animals to convince her to leave the safety of her yard. He asked for her help to find a lost dog. When parents try to protect their kids from predators, they often used to say things like "Don't take candy from strangers." Candy is something children take notice of. It grabs their attention. But animals, damn... A child who hears of a lost dog or cat, they will immediately feel like they have to help. Their mind will believe that if they don't help, the animal won't be found. They will feel that illogical sense of responsibility that children feel when parents divorce, when siblings die, when something bad happens. They will think they caused the bad thing to happen. Samantha Runnion had to help that man. She had to save that missing dog. It was the only thing her kind heart could do. Such pure intention, such unselfish willingness to help a missing dog. The fury my heart feels for the piece of shit who destroyed her is insanely strong, and is uncontrollable for me. If you were reading about her abduction and assault and murder for the first time, and I was anywhere near you during that first reading, if I saw even one little inseam stretch, even one little wrinkle in the crotch of your pants flatten and lift as you read her story, I would try to kill you with my bare hands, right then, and stopping me would require extreme measures.

Does it piss you off that I mention you be turned on by such an awful story? Are you self-righteously angry that I would dare accuse you of such an awful response? Why? If she had lived, and you interviewed her today, you would "trauma bond" with her and get hard hearing her talk about her abduction and assault. You would see her as someone you were free to "help" "resolve" this awful experience. Your voice would have that charged, subtle tone, as you ever so "gently" guided her from re-entering that most awful place in her memory, straight to your bed. The stories of trauma that turn you on, are real moments. The ONLY reason Samantha Runnion is safe from you re-exploiting her, is because she's dead.  

See now how I could actually think of her as lucky? Do you see?! Do you fucking see? Does this email's combination of words finally help you understand what you do, what you have done for 30+ years?"

Starfish

 "Why aren't you saying anything about other celebrities who act like this?"

For those who've never read things written the way I write, let me explain that I am getting ready to answer this question.  I will start this answer by laying a foundational story, so that my answer might be better understood.  If that feels like I am zigzagging or wandering off topic, all I can say is this is how I write.  If you bear with me, I will get there, I promise.

Back in the '90s, I discovered how living in a rural area outside a small community with no animal control or shelter to speak of, meant I would end up feeding quite a number of dumped or feral cats.  As their numbers grew, and the cost of trying to fix them at a regular vet's office was beyond my reach, I stumbled my way into animal rescue/shelter medicine.  Outside of being a parent, this is the single most rewarding and impactful endeavor I will ever have been part of, and I am grateful for those first strays who started me on this path.  I have learned many things over my years of bottle-feeding and fostering tiny kittens, to transporting countless cats, and quite a few dogs, to spay/neuter clinics, as well as learning to assist in the clinics themselves.   I think the biggest lesson I learned was how to break down a huge problem, into a manageable response.  The number of stray/feral cats in the United States alone, is astronomical.   If that had remained my focus, I never would've bothered trying to do anything.  I learned to focus one cat at a time.  Each cat that got fixed, each person in need of help getting cats around them fixed, made a difference.   Not on a global scale.  But on a scale I could see, because it happened in the communities around me.   Just like that starfish beach story, for every single cat who gets fixed, rescue/shelter workers have made a difference.  Every single altered/vaccinated cat matters.

I have lived a life directly affected by childhood sexual exploitation and re-exploitation.  I have witnessed this type of life being forced on and led by countless others around me.  The blame and re-exploitation that sexually abused children are destined to live is a heartache I have quietly carried alone, because the problem looks too big, too overwhelming to ever do anything about.  I guess I just got to the limit of what I could silently bear to witness.  So, combine that limit with the comedian who made me laugh for the first time in 3 years, and a millennial moment that was more life-changing than the sinner's prayer, and here I am, writing blog posts that make no sense to an awful lot of people, and are making a number of folks pissed.  Long answer, huh?  Quite typical, for me.

There is also one other small piece to this answer, a part of myself I must honor, no matter how stupid or naive or mistaken I may feel this part of me is.  This part of me believes that somewhere in Mr. Maron, there is a piece of him that could be reached, that could decide to stop harming those in my group that he has been choosing to harm.  Why does some part of me believe this?  I have no clue.  

Of course, maybe it's because he is someone who saw the overwhelming problem of stray/feral cats, and he took the time to do right by those cats, one cat at a time.  

AA Old-timers. Self-control.

A slightly redacted email I sent to Mr. Maron last Oct.   This email included me using a young person in Mr. Maron's life whom he has decent familial-type care and concern for, as an example, to try and help Mr. Maron understand what is actually occurring every time he chooses to let himself treat other young girls in a manner he would be furious about, if any 50+ yr-old man chose to treat this young person he actually cares about in that same manner.

"Oct 22, 2022, 7:54 AM

I have no way of knowing how capable you are of true empathy for others.  I am hoping my words might give you a better porchview of the damage being done to the young members of my group. 

Old-timers in AA have the experience and knowledge and grasp of the jargon, and understand deeply the various issues that bring people into the program. They can talk about all of it in a way that will make others think they have wisdom, and keeps others from questioning anything about such old-timers' motives or outside-of-meeting behaviors.

When new/young people join AA/NA/ACOA, etc, it can safely be assumed that their life is not idyllic, otherwise they would not be there. In fact, they may legally have to go to such meetings or they can face jail time. The justice system of this country forces a percentage of AA members to be at such meetings.  No matter what the reason, though, it is rare to find any young/new members of the program who were out looking for fun, and instead of going to a party or an amusement park or a boardwalk with peers, decided to go to a meeting. Some bad shit will be happening in the lives of new/young members that will have forced them to be sitting in a chair, surrounded by other folks holding a bad cup of coffee in a chair, listening to others share and trying to find the courage to share. One thing can almost always be guaranteed about all new/young members: they are broken and they need truly decent help and encouragement, because their life is experiencing some very unhealthy twists and turns. Every new/young member is vulnerable, is messed up, is in need of real/actual/honest help, because they are living a slow-motion train wreck that will only get better if they are not derailed by old-timers misusing them and taking advantage of them. These young/new members do NOT need any relationships with grooming old-timers. Sex is never a part of the healing a new/young member needs.  And any other member who finagles/contrives/manipulates/coerces/swindles younger members into such relationships, by expertly twisting program words to make it look like that old-timer can fuck younger members, is the most dangerous predator in the room. God help every sexually exploited young person whose life is so fucked up they find themselves at AA, or are court-ordered to attend such meetings for any reason, and such a predator enters their circle.

Every sexualized and objectified young person alive is literally surrounded by untold numbers of predators, wherever that broken person may be standing on dry ground on this planet at any given moment. And the worst part of all is that broken people like this are broken specifically because they have no one protecting them, advocating for them, treating them in a completely platonic and honorable way, which is the EXACT example and treatment and protection they most need to be experiencing. Unless they experience such treatment, their lives will be a series of Marons, each one taking them further down the cesspool of hell they have been sentenced to since the first adult objectified or sexualized them as children. Unless they have a parent, or a guardian, or a teacher, or a mentor who will NEVER turn their relationship into something sexual, these broken children are banished to an ever-increasing hell.

You have 30 plus years of showing exactly how you view broken young girls. According to you, according to your own words, you are incapable of controlling yourself around such broken girls, you are incapable of setting boundaries with such broken girls, you are incapable of saying "no" to such broken girls.  You say you are unable to keep yourself from fucking such girls. If this is truly the case, you need to be locked up, because you have a very severe problem controlling your own body.  You have been repeating this pattern for over 30 years. But it isn't actually true when you say you "can't say no" to the girls who respond to your grooming.  You choose to groom them, and re-exploit them.  You can say no at any point, to anyone. You say "no" to many people, every day. You will eventually be saying "no" to that very girl you are currently re-exploiting, after you are tired of her, after you are done putting up with the broken behavior that after 30+ years, you know damn well every one of these broken girls is, by definition, going to exhibit. You will have no problem throwing them aside like some piece of trash, right at the moment that the crisis reaches the pinnacle you have set in motion the moment you befriended such a broken girl in the first place. They will be suicidal, and you will threaten to do whatever it is you threaten, to shut them the hell up because you are done using them, and they no longer matter. All of this, every fucking bit of it, is the quintessential definition of predatory behavior.

You truly need to stay away from young, broken females. That is your only decent option. You are a predator who needs to avoid using broken girls the same way you avoid drinking alcohol. The reasons are the only difference. You need to stay away from alcohol for your own sake, to protect yourself. You need to stay away from broken young girls for their sakes, so they can maybe find healing. You will never be a part of such healing. But that requires unselfishness, doesn't it, Maron? Are you capable of that? The actual life, the living-ness, of another human being, a human being who matters as much as you do, as much as your young family members matter, is what's on the line here. You are choosing whether to stop doing something that can quite literally cause the death of another human.

goddammit, Maron, can't you make the decent choice?"

What's wrong with me?

I was asked, "Why are you posting these?"  "What's wrong with you?."  And told, "It's time for you to shut up."

My reason for writing these is still what it was, on April 26.  

What's wrong with me?  Decades of watching those in my group being blamed and re-exploited over and over.  Knowing exactly what predators like my old adventist principal, predators like Marc Maron, are saying to con those younger members of my damaged group.  Witnessing both of these men claim to be helpful decent people who stand against the mistreatment and abuse of women, while leaving the minds of already horribly broken little girls much more damaged when they are done with those girls, and not caring at all.  Marc Maron has publicly been doing this for over 30 years.  He has spoken of these girls from the stage, laughing about how the symptoms for diagnosing BPD, symptoms first shown to Maron by an actual therapist, are symptoms that make for great sex, but the actual damaged human girl suffering behind those symptoms, is simply a "lunatic" Maron feels nothing for when he is done, and she is suicidal, pledging her love and begging him to recontact her in posts.  Harming herself.  Taking a picture of a gun in her possession.  Of course, on the Blocks podcast, he defended his behavior with the only thing he cares about:  it's all legal.

So, Maron's been publicly speaking of this behavior for 3 decades.  I have been speaking out against this behavior for 3 weeks.  I think I am the wrong one to be sent messages saying, "What's wrong with you?"  "It's time for you to shut up."

Teen suicide rates

Here is a recent article regarding the unprecedented rise in teen suicide:

Recent article

As girls continue to be sexualized and then blamed, while simultaneously being told that men like Marc Maron are safe, and are allies of females, this rate will continue to rise.  Girls will never be safe if we keep allowing predators/flashers free access to them with no consequences.  

Ally?

As I watch what ongoing behavior continues to occur, I may add a new post now and then.  Like this one, today.

Mr. Maron continues to post from his recent special, to his groomed audience on tiktok.  His last couple of posts are about abortion, an issue Mr. Maron uses to portray himself as an ally for women.  If one listens, and observes his behavior and words over time, those words and behavior tell a different story.

In referring to abortion, he has many times said it is a man's issue, because any man with "game" will have had to convince a girl at least once or twice to get one.  My teen children were provided with information and condoms, in order to learn responsibility.  "Game" had nothing to do with any of it.  Behaving as responsible adults was the goal I knew my kids needed.  

Mr. Maron makes it clear, in a number of places online, that he never uses any form of "protection."  Yet he continues to fuck girls with mental and emotional issues who are of child-bearing age.  A 59 yr-old man who does not want children, does not have "game," he has a real problem with being a responsible much older grandpa-aged adult.  His obvious responsible choice would be to have a vasectomy.  Much less invasive than anything females go thru during their child-bearing years.  

Lockerroom stories about "game," focusing on and grooming teens with serious issues from being sexualized as children, refusing to take any personal responsibility, all while portraying himself as an ally.  His victim with the gun has no ally in him, or in his followers who refuse to speak up for her.  

A Question

 I was standing in a Walmart, talking to a friend recently.  We were next to the "Baby girl," "Toddler girl," clothing department.  Something spoken of in the new documentary, "Pretty Baby," hit me.  I turned to my friend, pointed at a shelf full of clothing that once would have only been sold in places like Victoria's Secret, for all us adults to enjoy, and asked, "Why isn't this type of clothing mass marketed to little boys?"  Her response was immediate, and the look of disgust on her face was clear.

"Oh my God, that would make adult men see little boys as sexual."

Quite an answer.  The saddest thing to me?  She still doesn't realize what her answer said, what it means she and society view as an acceptable way to let others view cis girl babies and toddlers.

Waiting

 I was asked if I gave up, if that's why I stopped posting.  No. I said what I could say.  I have done what I could, to try and help current and future victims.  This ongoing problem is not something I have any other control over.  So now, I wait.

What do I think will happen?  That’s a two-parter.  First, I hope future potential victims will be protected, on sets, and in audiences, as well as elsewhere.  I have already been told that some people would not be upset to be subjected to the crime of indecent exposure.  I have actively using friends, who are not upset when someone comes over to them and offers to sell them some "blues."  Doesn't make that crime any less of a crime.  Indecent exposure is a crime, and it is harmful.  Parents I know most certainly don't want that crime being committed by people marketed to their children.  Each person signing on to work on a set, has every right to expect this crime will not happen to them on that set.  I hope such future potential victims are protected.  I hope Mr. Maron's sponsor and/or close friends can help encourage him to use the tools he knows well from AA, to bring an end to his behavior that harms and re-exploits others.  Lots of people, myself included, enjoy Mr. Maron's comedy.  I don't want Maron canceled.  I just want this specific harmful and illegal behavior to stop.  

Do I think this is what is going to happen?  Gotta be honest.  No, I don't.  I think Mr. Maron and a great number of his fans will laugh with him at my expense, and laugh at and encourage his harmful and illegal behavior toward other girls from my group.  And the whole point of these posts since April 26 will have been forgotten.  A hurting girl with serious issues has a gun, and was in crisis recently because Mr. Maron knowingly targets and grooms damaged girls with BPD.  To me, there is nothing about that I find humorous.   There's not a porchview in the world that could make me find that humorous. 

Many of Mr. Maron's fans think congress should be doing something about gun crimes.  But in this very situation, they may laugh about the damage this gun could do, simply because the girl it is most likely to harm is from a group that can be used, laughed at, looked down on, and thrown away.

Poster child

Someone asked me if I'm not doing a disservice to others who have experienced child sexual exploitation, and re-exploitation, by referring to myself as a "dumb slut."  I can clear that up, for those who might be thinking the same thing. Anything I say or do that is legit, like having a story published, or speaking up about a wrong I have witnessed, is often followed by somebody pointing out my past mistakes, which has tended to discredit whatever good thing I may have said or done.  My way of combating that is to be honest from the get go.  My history is full of behavior that others know about.  When my name comes up, those behaviors are often mentioned at some point, and anything decent I was saying or doing somehow gets erased when that happens.  This is what I meant, in earlier blog posts making it clear I am not someone like Colin Kaepernick. I'm not the face people want as a representative for any cause.  I am nobody's idea of a poster child.  My knowledge and education has been limited, and I have had many hook ups, which up until a few years ago, were often with people in committed relationships.  These are the two biggest things I have heard others use to discredit me over the years.  If I don't get those things out there up front, someone's damn sure gonna bring them up later.  So, I choose to make those aspects of my life clear, and I do it in the manner I have chosen.  I would rather be honest early, than have any past mistakes used to discredit something important I am trying to accomplish now.  

I am thankful to have been given a chance to answer this myself, instead of people deciding on their own why I am doing something.   

Some help

I know a lot about being misdefined by others.  I am happy to clear up some recent misdefinitions.  Here is a snip of one recent comment about my words:

"...just a fan who’s parasocial fantasy is going unfulfilled. It’s creepy.Don't go to Instagram. It's a mentally ill person rambling incoherently about child sexual abuse. They occasionally reference Marc, but it's clearly unhinged."

When writing, some things lend themselves to certain points of view.  I have an earlier post from years ago, where an assignment led me to write from 3 different view points.  No matter the point of view, all of the writing is from me.  I cannot know anyone else's point of view, I can only know what is occurring in front of me.  

I wrote my first email, after my millennial moment, entitled "Well, hell," because Mr. Maron has mentioned others contacting him regarding subjects that concerned them.  In that email, I explained why his referring to girls with BPD as lunatics who were fun to have sex with but otherwise crazy, was actually hurtful to girls with "daddy issues."  I know Maron does not tolerate fools well, but with a subject regarding mental illness, I did expect this to rate somewhere near his concern for not harming people by using the R word, or telling homophobic jokes, which was behavior he had decided to change when those harmed by such words reached out to him.

Once I realized this was not a subject he felt warranted any concern, my feelings came out on paper, as my feelings do.  I'm a writer. My style of writing can be defined as anyone wishes, but it simply is what it is.  I once wrote a poem about a heron flying over.  I described it in the manner I write.  If that manner appears to be parasocial or insane or "all over the place" to others, I guess I am not the writer for such people.

Do I know Mr. Maron?  No.  I do know his predatory behavior.  Well.  As do his victims.  Guitar players know his talent on a guitar.  Comedians know the work that goes into his profession. 

How I wrote about Mr. Maron's predatory behavior is my writing style.  If others choose to ascribe their own emotions onto my words, all I can do is remind them of the whole reason I made these public, which I have made clear a number of times here.   One of his current victims has suicidal ideation, and a gun.  That is why all of this, since April 26, has been posted here.  No other reason.

"I know from experience it's better stay away from such a disturbed person. Don't expose your brain to the toxicity."

"Hopefully he will block the person and the texts will go away."

"Agreed to hoping the person gets help. Zig zagging storylines all over the place."

You know what would help?  Stopping the behavior that causes harm, ending the hell that has created the writer I am. 

Awareness

 I appreciate being told I am doing something wrong by posting these words about child sexual exploitation and re-exploitation.   But I already know very well I am never supposed to speak of this subject.  It was probably the lesson most deeply embedded in me, on a couch, when I was five, and my Barney died because I said words I was not supposed to say.  (A Thousand Words.)  It is that moment my mind feels, every time I have hit "publish" or "post" or "share" or "tweet," these last eleven days.  

I am sorry that my words here cause unpleasant emotions for others.  I know I am forgetting my place.  I understand it is wrong for me to not just "get over it."  I  have gone to many people, educated and paid to help those who have experienced trauma.  I wish I didn't cause them to re-exploit me.  I did finally figure out how to keep that from happening.   No person in the mental health field will ever be "endangered" by me again.

I guess it is a mental defect that I can't just put out of my mind the current victims I am aware of.  I know it is not at all "normal" for me to not just "get over" things that I guess are easy for others to get over. I have to accept my mind is too weak to blot that shit out.  I mentioned one of those things I can't forget, in an email to Mr. Maron:

"Sep 23, 2022, 1:28 PM

There is a very good chance the photos and 8mm movies taken by my stepmom in the 70's are shared online between pedophiles to this day. Old child porn is highly prized and sought after by chomos. There is nothing I can do about that but live with the infinitely painful knowledge of what is out there. I have learned to live with a kind of hell you can never conceive of, all because grown ass men like you think young girls are 'asking for it.'" 

Protection

Tiktok removed my ability to tag NAMI.   I can still tag users posting about racist or misogynistic subjects, things like that.

Guess that platform can protect its users from subjects deemed harmful.  I was unaware. Comforting to know.

Edited to add that I completely understand any individual who opts out of being tagged in posts about this subject matter.   It is not a pleasant or accepted matter to discuss.   But NAMI has specifically asked me to share their contact information with any potential victims.

Crisis help

 

Ignorance

 Ignorance

Apr 18, 2023, 7:06 PM

Just claim ignorance, maron. Just say you had no idea how it redamaged sexually exploited young girls, for you to be misusing girls whose issues were way more self-destructive for those girls than any man ever said, every time you heard how so many men in this patriarchy have been pressuring and lying to each other and younger males, over the 59 years you've been alive. Say that it is only within the past year you have started to understand how sexualization and objectification leaves broken children with no agency. Say you are only starting to understand how your past words and behaviors were harming already terribly harmed girls, whose lives are being stolen from them by the patriarchal bullshit in this country. Then, say because you now know better, you are gonna do better. Be open about how you will start to catch yourself posting or saying words that will draw in young girls, and you stop yourself from doing it, because now you understand that is grooming. Be an example for those men who look up to you. Speak out about what men who target broken girls are really doing, and how men need to stop that behavior. Speak up against the systemic patriarchal behavior you have ignorantly been taking part in. Tell your audience to encourage girls to be more than our society markets to them as toddlers, sells to them by sexualizing little girls with dolls and clothes that started being blatantly sexual, as feminism started to open up the world for women in the 60's and 70's, like that one woman was explaining in Brooke's documentary. Be a leader for a cause that no one ever does a goddam thing about. Seriously, Maron, what better person than you to speak out about this, what better place than your platform that you can bring redemption to by using that platform for good instead of re-exploitation, what better fuckin time than now?

God fucking damn it, this hurts so bad. I'm no honorable person who can do anything for my group. I can't do a goddam thing. Nothing. 

You, if you faced all of this in honesty and a true desire to cause no more harm, could make a real fucking difference. Get Bradley Whitford and Brooke Sheilds.  Include the women who spoke with true mature understanding about all of this in Brooke's documentary, not those brainwashed broken little girls who still have no agency and simply parrot what predatory men manipulate them to say, but mature knowledgeable women who commented throughout that documentary, women old enough, stable enough, to speak with agency and understanding.  

Jesus, what a dumbass I am, thinking anything I just wrote will do anything that could reach your heart. Nothin I've ever written anywhere, ever, is ever gonna stop the destruction of the group I belong to. Not goddam one thing.

Religion of patriarchy

 Apr 13, 2023, 6:39 AM

My fucked up reading skillz are one of my biggest deficits. Nah, I'm not talkin about literacy. I never remember not being able to read. The first time I read To Kill a Mockingbird, I loved the description of Scout as being a child who was "born reading." I could identify.  A (redacted name of a childhood friend) liked to switch up and create his own rules for Monopoly, a game way beyond any of our grasps at 4 or 5. We played it as if it was an extended form of Candyland. This friend would tell us how to play, and the rest of us never argued, even though my friend's rules were subject to illogical changes mid-play, and somehow those rules always set my friend up with the win. Once, as he tried to explain why he did not have to "Go directly to jail," as directed by the card lifted off the community chest pile, I said he was wrong. He asked why. I pointed to the underside of the lid and read the part about chance cards. The others all looked at me like I was possessed. I was 5. They didn't know a kid our ages who could read a full sentence of game rules. I didn't know that other kids my age could not always interpret words with 4 or more letters. Weird moment. Embarrassing for me. Yet another time eyes on me made it clear I was not doing what was expected. I hate public reading to this day. I did have one very sweet old Ukrainian lady, Auntie Pearl, who babysat me from 2 months of age until we moved away from there when I was 5. I spent most of that time in splints and casts, and didn't take my first steps until well after I was 2, so Auntie Pearl read to me a lot. Guess as I followed along with how the marks on the page went with her voice, I just figured that shit out. It wasn't like I had the mobility to use my brain in normal baby/toddler shit. It would have been nice if I could have learned how to read social cues even half as well as I figured out written language. My limited social cue vocabulary sucks. It's a form of illiteracy that is about as crippling as actual illiteracy. 

From the moment your talk with (redacted name), I could hear in your tone the chemistry between you two. It frustrates the shit out of me when I hear you sharing this obvious chemistry with a person born within 10 years of your bday. You are quite capable of experiencing attraction and chemistry with women who are actually your goddam peers. Why, in the name of all that is legit non-harmful, can't you simply choose to engage with those women? Your full ability to interact as equals, to have no predator/prey vibes while still experiencing enjoyment, makes your predatory behavior that much more cruel a choice on your part.  

Your tone after a comment regarding the age/biological usage of female genitals was very telling. You fell, long ago, for that singular myth that drives almost everything behind the sexual abuse of children. Men who rape a 2 month old are, quite simply, taking that specific tenet of the religion of patriarchy, to its logical conclusion. I was going to educate your ass on the realities of that specific myth. I started to, in a couple of emails here. There are probably 20-some unfinished emails in my "drafts" folder, about this one horribly flawed false belief held by the patriarchal faithful. It is such a sad tenet, for 2 reasons. First, it is false. So few people really understand this, including medical professionals. Second, sex starts in the mind, the most important organ of all. Implant a myth, this biggest myth within patriarchy, that "age equates to sensation." and you have the "messianic" message of a religion causing its fanatical congregants to rape younger and younger children. The myth has no basis in truth. But once implanted, it is that very thought itself that drives the faithful, not reality. The thought of having a "younger" pussy is enough to get your motor started. Sex with her would thrill you. Because of one thought. Nothing else. That's it. Hmmm. Amazing, how well the whole patriarchy-as-religion metaphor holds up. It really is a fucking religion. And children are sacrificed to it every goddam day. I cannot yet find a way to finish and send more of those drafts I started for you, regarding this particular subject, simply because I have not yet found a way to word them so I know you aren't gonna be gettin hard as you read them. The idea of my words causing your blood flow to redirect itself southward, makes me want to write stories about testicular ruptures and traumatic penile amputation. Anyway...

 EVERY broken girl you prey on is going to be horribly harmed by you. ALWAYS.  They will suffer lifelong repercussions because of you.  I wish that you would attend SLAA, learn how to help current victims best move forward, and when the inevitable end arrives, they go forward with the least amount of further damage possible, and you move forward with a desire to enjoy hook ups with females like Lynn, peers you have chemistry with, not broken children you prey on, re-exploit, and ruin.

It is nice to know you are capable of chemistry with female peers. It is sad that a myth drives your mind to endanger every fucking female child you are near, because you would be salivating to fuck them at 18, or 16, or younger, and younger, if you had them anywhere where you could fuck them without risking your own rape in prison. Kinda funny, huh? How you know damn well you don't want your life destroyed by some older men manipulating everything around you from birth forward, just to fuck your tight hole. Am I right?

Later

Too strident?

 I know it's supposed to be honey, not vinegar.  What can I say?  I didn't want to be the one doing this.  I really tried hard to find another person/group to take over.  I tried even harder to reach Marc Maron, because it was the shock of his hidden/public behavior that was the final straw.  I am not Colin Kaepernick.  I wish I had that grace. I know I'm not doing this correctly.  I have tried so hard to learn whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, to get things right.  

For over 5 decades I have witnessed and experienced the nightmare of how sexualized children are forced to experience life.  I don't know how to make myself find a "good" or "right" way to say any of this shit.  But I'm not shutting up anymore.   I wish somebody else had been around to take over this last 8 months for me.  I sure as shit wish others would grab these reins now.

I can't get their bitten nails, their baby faces, their sad words so misdefining love, out of my mind.

A fucking shot

This is a slightly redacted paragraph from an email I sent to Mr. Maron in March.  It was regarding a 13 yr-old kidnapping victim who was found alive.  A 34 yr-old man buddied up to her online (easy as shit to do now days.  It would've been surprising to me to discover anyone even noticed this adult grooming that child in the first place), got her pm'ing, had no problem convincing her he was a nice guy, then met her and got her in his vehicle.  He took her to another state, sexually assaulted her multiple times, then locked her up.  She was rescued.  If she does happen to receive decent, compassionate help over the next few years, she may end up becoming one of the lucky few.  Statistically, the odds aren't in her favor. 

My ability to find hope that Mr. Maron had started to change how he feels girls assaulted like this can be treated by older men, had about reached its limit by March.  My cynicism is apparent in my tone.  (I should mention here that part of me is telling myself it is "bad" of me to express my anger in this way.  The rest of me?  It's sayin, "Oh well.")

"Mar 14, 2023, 5:00 AM"

Yeah, there is a current example of a child being horribly harmed, bcuz of an online predator grooming that child. The child was found. Rescued. Now, she will go thru decades of quite probably being re-exploited by therapists, doctors, teachers, interviewers, etc, and she will be blamed for all of it. So, do us (broken girls) all a favor, and do not reach out to "help" this child "resolve" her issues, okay? Do not "trauma bond" with this child. She did not suddenly gain "agency," while being sexually assaulted repeatedly. She did not suddenly gain adult wisdom, and now knows exactly what old men predators are going to want to do to her.  She does not know at all what she is in for . She is NOT "asking for it."  Do not say you "can't say no" to this "lunatic" child, and leave her mind further warped and malformed when you are done with her, okay?  Give her a fucking shot.

Bono, my favorite preacher

 For a little poet with a broken heart, and a gun. I hope you live long enough to have more to write about than pain.  

Stay safe tonight

A Break

 This is me, just trying to decompress.  The last 7 days have been stressful in new ways for me.  Prolly not supposed to admit that.  But the last post made me have to re-feel the stress of wondering if I would have to know a girl had killed herself because of a comedian, and I hadn't done enough to keep it from happening.

I didn't want any of these last 8 months.  I tried to pass it off to others, those who have more tools.  I don't think those others could understand like I do.  Or maybe my written communication skills have dropped over this past 8 months.  Tonight I am exhausted.  But I can't sleep.  

I swear to god, if anyone tries to tell me I am doing this for any fucking selfish reasons, I'm gonna wish I could take everything I am feeling at this moment,  and have felt this last 8 months, and just drop that shit right into their heads.

The worst part is knowing damn well nothin is gonna come outta this.  Nothin.  Goddammit, this pain being shoved onto these damaged young lives by maron and other predators is so fuckin wrong.  But he'll just keep smiling, reading a book about turkeys to children in a video shown in our public school system.  In a couple years, some of the kids who saw that video last Thanksgiving may very well be in a crisis like I just described in my last post, brought on by the very man their school first introduced them to.  And those suicidal kids will be blamed.

Can't we do better than this, for the kids being abused this second?  A 59 yr old man cannot be less to blame than the girl with the AMT Backup.  She was only 12 or so when maron taped that turkey story.  How can she, how can any damaged child, be more to blame than a 59 yr-old man who's been doing this for decades?

I don't understand. 

October crisis emails

Excerpts from some of the emails regarding the girl in recovery who went through an escalating crisis last Oct.

Oct 26, 2022, 11:36 AM

I have no idea how many broken girls you are juggling right now. When one of your victims is truly reaching a crisis point, and you are aware, the only single thing you can do is call 911 for that girl right away. I know this could have consequences in your life. It is the only real help you can give.  

This is where your behavior will always take these girls. Always.  

You may not care. Girls have been here before because of you and you have continued risking more girls.

Goddam, maron. I do not want to know, in real time, any of this shit.

__________

Oct 26, 2022, 5:25 PM

I have no idea why the hell my life went this direction 2 months ago. (Feels more like 2 years, today) But whatever it is I am doing, I need to remember the difference between what I may want, and what I can control.

I can't control any single moment where you choose to harm broken girls. I can't control if any of your victims commit suicide. Whatever happens, you have been making these choices for 30+ years. My heart hurts for the broken one I knew of today. She disappeared. Either you have recontacted her, or she got help, or she is freaking out, or she could even be gone. If you contacted her because of my email, I may have made it so next time she goes through an even worse crisis. If so, this is now way worse. You can never help her, except by dialing 911. You can only harm her. You sentenced her to hell the day you first preyed on her. There is NOTHING you can do to help her, or any other young exploited girl, except to leave them the hell alone.

I hate to admit this, but you may not care at all that some girl you preyed on is suicidal. You have done this to girls before. 

I hate today.

I may have to know when one of your victims kills herself. I never realized that could be part of this goddam rabbit hole. I have no control over anything, outside of what I choose to type here.

__________

Oct 26, 2022, 9:44 PM

That girl is back... I am not reading anymore there tonight. Tired of seeing your damage. 

__________

Oct 27, 2022, 5:24 AM

 You are an expert at preying on sexually exploited girls. You have been doing it 30+ years.

There is a lot you needlessly beat yourself up for. Maybe trying to avoid the one thing you know is wrong? Fix that one thing. You know how. You could become more comfortable in your own mind.

...said that while fucking her, you joked that she was your meeting, and you would have to attend that meeting again. I can't see you joking about meetings, but 2 months ago, I couldn't imagine you pledging love and shit to broken girls, either. Doing that to their minds and emotions was once too heartless for me to imagine you doing. You destroy their ability to ever recognize real love for the rest of their lives. You leave them a shell. Just like me. Nothing you feel for them is love. 

_________

Oct 30, 2022, 4:16 AM

It was disappointing to realize that you purposely use meetings to prey on broken girls. "Redacted name's" words to you on Wed were embarrassing for me to have to witness. They showed how warped you know these girls are, how broken, immature, and emotionally stunted they are. At meetings, where those broken girls most need to be protected from predators like you, your age and celebrity and "wisdom", (boy, we both know how full of shit that word is, when describing what those broken girls are being taught as they are drawn in by your grooming, don't we, maron...) make it easier to prey on the victim of your choice.  

Too rough? Ask me if I care.

___________

Oct 31, 2022, 8:08 AM

These interactions are not a partnership or healthy. She has been broken much more now. Her next stop in life is going to be even worse. That is the horribly twisted definition of "love" she will carry for years, decades, maybe life. Nothing about the twisted sick exploitive thing you did to her is love, but the next old predadator who approaches her will be radiating predatory "vibes" that she is going to think is love. So fucking sad. When you are done with her, you will say that you had warned her that you were unable to accept love, it's her fault for everything. So, your victim will be devastated, thinking they did not show enough "love" to you so you left, and when the next predator spots that broken victim, that re-exploited victim will be desperately trying even harder to show that predator even more of your perverted definition of "love" that you taught them, in the hopes that the latest predator will not leave them. Can you follow all of that, maron? Really understand it? Real love can, by the defining characteristics of real love, never be present in any predatory relationship you have ever had. 

Lynn was a fully grown, mature stable peer. Not an obviously damaged girl whose potential healing and potential future adult experiences you are exploitively stealing.

I hope, whatever you decide about "redacted name," you will get advice from SLAA members first.

I hope you will finally stop the tears and pain and ruined lives you have left behind you, with every broken girl you have re-exploited. 

__________

Nov 1, 2022, 4:45 AM

A fucking book I've written in your inbox.  Time plus behavior. Gonna wait and really see some truth. Gotta say, maron, I will damn sure speak up next time one of your victims is saying she wants to die. If you can't care about your life enough to mind your mind, why the fuck should I care about your life more than the life of these damaged girls you destroy?

Email property

 All emails written by me to wtfpod.com are my words, created solely by me, and as such, will not be published by anyone without negotiating payment.  I'd say about a million dollars to NAMI would be a good start.

Somewhere tonight...

 ...are 2 different girls who are experiencing emotional damage.   One has a gun, and the man who left her suicidal recently, had to calm her down by reconnecting with her, because I knew what was happening, and if he didn't calm her down, he suddenly realized he could now get in trouble, if she harmed herself.  Meanwhile, another girl, who was simply following covid cleaning protocol on the set of a show about to be released, has to deal with the indecent exposure a rising-in-popularity comedian perpetrated on her last summer, and never had to answer for.  (Maron, you readin' this?  For god's sake don't try to contact her.  Hear me, motherfucker?!  The last thing she needs is any more of you.)

Oh, there's a 3rd girl, too, the one in crisis last Oct.  He reconnected with her back then, so he wouldn't be exposed by her escalating crisis.  She is now happily interacting on his Instagram posts again.  Goddess help her, unless he plans on hookin' up permanent, she's just gonna go through all of it again.

As is the one with an AMT Backup in her possession. 

Oh well, it's all legal, right?  Their fault.  Not his.

Who's smiling now

Here are two teens.

https://www.cnn.com/2023/05/01/us/oklahoma-henryentta-bodies-ivy-webster/index.html

School system wonders what they can do.  Maybe stop showing Thanksgiving readings by people little children will see as safe.  Kids are never safe when predators are marketed to them.  Leave drag queens the hell alone.  Children learn who to trust from those they have marketed to them.

Any fathers of little girls, if you see your daughter drawing Mr. Snake to send to the man who voices him, stop and sit with that for awhile. (Imagine the smile on Maron's face as he reads that last sentence, too.)  See, that thing you're feeling, that's what everyone should be feeling about children being taught that predators like Mr. Maron are safe.  Every parent or guardian needs to sit with this thought.

That fucking sda principal is in his element right now.  jesus...

Time plus behavior

That grooming post is still right there, drawing in those children.  Just as his book-reading will be put out before Thanksgiving.  While drag queen bookreadings are the ones being shut down.  He is already fucking girls who were still children when he first made that turkey reading just a couple years back.  Nobody's gonna care.  In fact, they'll probably enjoy knowing it hurts that bitch who dared to speak up.

That grooming post was Mr. Maron's first post after he read my email "Well, hell."  I guess I gotta admit that was his response to my earnest email, an email sent while I still believed he wasn't aware of the damage he was doing.  

I know he is covering his ass.  I know he is still gonna get away with everything he's been doing.  (You know why?  Because he can. )  I also know his real heart.  Because I hurt my emotional and mental well-being for the last 8 months, trying to reach that heart, and only when he's finally in danger of authorities getting into his online accounts, is he gonna act like he is trying to do something about this mess.

Time plus behavior, old man.  

Mr. Maron

 Great of you to finally respond with that reel.  Sad some of my most pain-filled, personal posts over this past 8 months, trying to reach your heart, did nothing.  Only when I put myself in a fucking public light, where I will receive all kinds of sick messages and emails, did you react in any manner at all.

Hope nobody's expecting me to kiss the ground you walk on now.  Eight months of hell...

But yeah, I am glad for the reel.  My group needs whatever crumbs get thrown their way.

Keepin' it reel

 Since my millennial moment in Aug of 2022, when I mentioned to Mr. Maron never putting a warning anywhere, or letting authorities know that his underage followers were being approached on his posts by fake Maron accounts, he did post a couple of IG Stories, warning folks away from those accounts.  I am glad to see he posted something a bit more substantial in a reel today.  Those making jokes about his warning must not have seen 2 recent news stories about young teen girls being kidnapped, raped, and locked up, by men who were able to get to them online.  One was found in a shed.  That IG warning is more important than Mr. Maron, or his fans, seem to realize.  Do they realize where those girls will be in a couple years?  Actually, they'll probably be getting fucked by old predators, and blamed for how someone fucked up their head as a child, because no one was protecting them online.

Truly is no wonder teen girls are self-harming and killing themselves at higher rates.

It was important to stop using using the R word, because of how it made people feel.  It was important to stop telling homophobic jokes, because their lives were in danger, and their suicide rate was so high.

I wish sexualized children could escape being exploited and laughed at.  I wish I didn't have to be a goddam squeaky wheel to get an Instagram Reel put up, because I finally found the right combination of words to make it happen.