Awareness

 I appreciate being told I am doing something wrong by posting these words about child sexual exploitation and re-exploitation.   But I already know very well I am never supposed to speak of this subject.  It was probably the lesson most deeply embedded in me, on a couch, when I was five, and my Barney died because I said words I was not supposed to say.  (A Thousand Words.)  It is that moment my mind feels, every time I have hit "publish" or "post" or "share" or "tweet," these last eleven days.  

I am sorry that my words here cause unpleasant emotions for others.  I know I am forgetting my place.  I understand it is wrong for me to not just "get over it."  I  have gone to many people, educated and paid to help those who have experienced trauma.  I wish I didn't cause them to re-exploit me.  I did finally figure out how to keep that from happening.   No person in the mental health field will ever be "endangered" by me again.

I guess it is a mental defect that I can't just put out of my mind the current victims I am aware of.  I know it is not at all "normal" for me to not just "get over" things that I guess are easy for others to get over. I have to accept my mind is too weak to blot that shit out.  I mentioned one of those things I can't forget, in an email to Mr. Maron:

"Sep 23, 2022, 1:28 PM

There is a very good chance the photos and 8mm movies taken by my stepmom in the 70's are shared online between pedophiles to this day. Old child porn is highly prized and sought after by chomos. There is nothing I can do about that but live with the infinitely painful knowledge of what is out there. I have learned to live with a kind of hell you can never conceive of, all because grown ass men like you think young girls are 'asking for it.'"