The Shack, Porchview

The following will be excerpts from a number of emails where I  was expressing some of the admiration I still found myself able to sense for Mr. Maron, even though I had discovered he was a person who had purposely re-exploited broken girls who were part of the group I belong to. I think the biggest reason I was able to do this, was because I was not personally harmed by his behavior. Oh, his behavior did hurt my heart, and once he was aware of me asking him to reconsider the damage he chose to do to this group, it wasn't pleasant to find out he did not care about those of us in this group.  But I still found myself able to implement some internal tools I had been practicing the use of over the years.  Anyone who thinks this sort of compartmentalization makes me sound crazy, do you think anyone in my place could be anything but?

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Punching down 

Sep 11, 2022, 8:37 AM

“There’s plenty of people being funny right now. Not only being funny but being really fucking funny,” said Maron. “There are still lines to be rode. If you like to ride a line, you can still ride a line. If you want to take chances, you can still take chances. Really, the only thing that’s off the table, culturally, at this juncture –and not even entirely– is shamelessly punching down for the sheer joy of hurting people. For the sheer excitement and laughter that some people get from causing people pain, from making people uncomfortable, from making people feel excluded. Y’know, that excitement.”

"if you can’t punch up, punch sideways, or punch yourself in the face over and over. Both tried and true comedy approaches.

"If you can't make jokes without hurting people, maybe you're no good at it."

(All 3 are Maron quotes)

Some examples of a healthy approach to defining what is funny, and what is not.    Remember my first email to you after I let your behavior show me who you really were? "Sweet Spot?" A person of character would try to follow the above quotes in all circumstances where specific groups are being hurt, even if there are groups that are still culturally "okay" to harm, like say, sexually exploited children. They are still the perfect group to harm.

... I do not foresee this group ever receiving different treatment. This group is so broken and warped by how they view their worth and place in society, that they are not able to see for themselves the truth about how they are being harmed and mis-defined and mistreated until they reach their 40's or 50's, and that's only if they are lucky enough to live that long without destroying their minds with substances, being murdered or dying from diseases or overdoses, or killing themselves. This group becomes part of the "oldest profession," this group is often blamed and experiences capital punishment around the world to this day, for being broken. Men can legally still marry children in parts of this country as long as that child's parents sign the dotted line. Of course, in other countries, children are routinely handed off to old men at the age of 9 or younger with the blessing of the government. But it happens illegally right here in the USA, too. I was raped when I was 5. By the time I was 13, and that fucking adventist principal got ahold of me, I behaved in a manner that made it easy for the sda church to blame me. 

 There is a decent human buried inside of you. I have no clue what, if anything, can ever help you find a way to bring that decency out of yourself on your own. You would have to want to change that behavior before you could even begin to change. I have never personally witnessed any predator choose to do that kind of self-improvement. 

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The Shack

Sep 11, 2022, 11:22 PM

Mr. Maron,

I spent a lot of years carrying hate for myself, my father, and others. An assembly of god minister tried to counsel me that I needed to experience a one-time moment of forgiveness for my father, or I would go to hell. (That minister fucked me in his church office a few sessions later...)

I never experienced a single, one time, profound moment of forgiveness, but the movie "The Shack" has a scene where Graham Greene explains how forgiveness is a decision to let go of the pain every time it comes up, as it will. I have learned to practice this, although it is sometimes harder to do than others.

There is a picture of my father when he was around 3, and I saw that picture for the first time a few years back. Because of another scene in The Shack, I was able to focus on that image of my father, and think of that child while once again letting go of my anger and pain. In that photo, I see the humanity in my father. I do not like the churchy part of The Shack, and I could not finish the book at all, but that movie helped me a lot with my practice of forgiveness.

I think I have been practicing this kind of forgiveness too long, though, because I keep seeing that moment when you enter the stage in End Times Fun, when you were experiencing actual love with an equal peer, not predatory exploitation of a very unstable, broken, immature malformed girl, and a part of my mind nudges me to let go of my anger at you for your harmful words and behavior, and let go of my anger at myself for enjoying your comedy. You are a gifted comedian. Of course I enjoyed finding a reason to laugh after 3+ years of no laughter at all. I can forgive myself for not deciding on my own to do a deep dive online into your beliefs and behaviors. I just enjoyed laughing again. You did give me back laughter.

See, my dumbass is telling me I have hit you with enough anger. Any more hitting on my part will become me, punching down. Which I can't see how that is true, because I can't see any area in this life that I am in any position over you where I could be punching down toward you at all. But I think, for the moment, I  should let go of aiming to hit with sarcasm or anger. Of course, I suppose tomorrow could bring new behavior by you that will change this, but for this moment, I am letting go of my desire to write with anger.

Sigh Lentz

_____________

(an email right before "Imagined Scenarios,)

Sep 17, 2022, 9:25 AM

Mr. Maron,

Your interview with Bradley Whitford was so good. An amazing example of using humor to help dilute and weaken pain, all while honoring the humanity of the one who carries that pain. 

Your Bradley Whitford interview is an example of why a part of me cannot commit completely to the idea that you are a hopeless predator. A part of me is going to remain convinced that you do have decency within you, until your behavior proves otherwise. You have either got that decency somewhere in you, or you are so narcissistic that you know exactly what to do and say in situations, like your interview with Bradley Whitford, to make it look like you have that decency in you, just to keep everyone snowed. Only time plus behavior ever proves things like this.  

I am doing something very out of character for me, in sending any of these emails to somebody like you. Normally, I waste no time on people who exhibit predatory behavior (or racist behavior, or sexist behavior, etc). I usually know that doing something like this is a waste of time and energy, like trying to argue with a trump follower. In the middle of being committed to following your behavior and calling you out on predatory shit, I am now trying to understand what it is that is driving me to do this. Why? I have no real clue, yet. 

______________

When Mr. Whitford spoke about the abuse he had experienced, I was filled with 2 simultaneous emotions: Absolute heartbreak for the voice of the child whose pain I could clearly hear in Mr. Whitford's voice, and expectant terror for the response I knew might come out of your mouth. I was so afraid you would say the words a lot of adult male survivors of child sexual abuse have heard. Some form of, "Oh dude, a Hot For Teacher moment! Was she hot?! You lucky dog."

I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors, male and female and gender fluid. (One of my worst childhood memories is the rape of a little boy) In a patriarchy, female survivors get shame and blame, male survivors of adult male abuse must hide it or risk being tormented by homophobic slurs, but male survivors of adult female abuse are often greeted with the responses I typed above, if such survivors ever try to talk about their abuse to anyone at all. They are forced to push down any pain, and try to act like it was all good. This kind of damage can create all kinds of issues in surviving males.

I am sure you are thinking something like, "Who the hell is this fucking cunt who keeps dumping this shit in my wtf email box?" I am the consequences. You know, how every comedian is free to say anything, but they must be ready to live with the consequences. This is the consequences of you, doubling down in 2018 on your harmful jokes from earlier in your career, and your terrible behavior for decades, which I had to realize is ongoing, when my heart broke over those bitten nails. A lifetime of pain you know nothing about, plus a drive to write because I was verbally silenced by the death of my kitten when I was 5, so the only way I can get shit out of myself is by writing, is the reason you are getting these emails. Is it unfair that you are getting the brunt of this from me? Not nearly as unfair as the damage you have done with your words and behavior.

You really may have a decency in your heart that leaks out in moments like your conversation with Bradley Whitford. You may really not understand how the patriarchy created in you the blame and misuse of female children/youth that you have made clear is something you think all men have a desire for, and are free to act on. Nobody may have found a way to open your eyes about all of this, yet. I don't get the sense my approach is helping.

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A Real wish

Sep 27, 2022, 7:07 AM

I despise your jokes about and predatory re-exploitation of broken girls, but I am good at separating art from the behavior of the artist. People who are dicks just to be dicks are assholes. It was hilarious how Charlie was fiercely terrorizing your hand as you joked about his demise on the ADYC live fundraiser. In truth, it makes me a bit sad that so much comedic talent and timing has been overshadowed for me by your misuse of broken girls. I will always know you are a gifted comedian.

My wish, on this day that commemorates the birth of one with such a gift, is that you could find the strength to admit this behavior, and combat the predatory part of yourself through the 12 steps to stop harming others. Of course, I wish for world peace and the end of domestic animals living as strays and ferals. These are all wishes I have no control over. But you have control over the first one.  

I  guess my real wish is that you would want to change your harmful behavior.

______________

Do you realize, if you ever took yourself to task and admitted your exploitation of broken girls and became accountable and stopped that behavior, there is a wealth of humor you could use to shine light on predators without harming victims? If I can find humor in that shit, you could do it so much fucking better. You could turn your old, predatorial, abusively inappropriate jokes into some great material. Here is something I thought of recently, after someone showed me a quote from one of your interviews. In the quote, you say "Crying blow jobs, that's so hot." My first thought was "I'll give you a crying bj. Here, let me introduce you to Lorena Bobbitt." You are missing out on a world of humor when it comes to predators. Instead of exploiting broken girls, you could help others see the cruelty of re-exploitation by slamming asshole predators.  

Know better. Do better. Mind your fucking mind.

________________

We agree

Oct 9, 2022, 10:19 AM

You have the potential to be recognized for your honorable gifts. Talent galore in you, and not just comedic. Would you really let the predatory part of yourself tarnish all that? Wouldn't you rather add the ability to learn and grow to your list of gifts? Show everyone that re-exploiting broken girls is wrong. Show everyone that you are capable of change, and not just change that benefits you.  

If you think these emails are fucking nuts, and you know I am an idiot for encouraging you to change behavior you are never gonna change, trust me, I am 100 percent in agreement with you on this.

________________

slaa

Oct 15, 2022, 8:36 AM

Maron,

Yeah, I took the time to capitalize your name. And yes, I refuse to take the time to capitalize the names of people who I feel are continuing to live out their cruel/abusive/racist/sexist/homophobic/misogynistic/predatorial behavior without doing anything to correct their abusive behavior. I am a dyslexic typist who truly uses one fucking finger to type. I hate texts and emails, although I have learned to communicate using a keyboard semi-successfully over the past 19 years. I decided early on not to take the time to do the extra step of capitalizing when it is a name like say, hitler, or trump, or marjorie taylor green. Once I learned to text/email on my phone, I had to learn to take the extra time to not let my android capitalize names of people I refuse to show respect for, which I found hilarious and ironic. Today, I am on my pc, so I did actually take the time to capitalize your name. We will see for how many emails this lasts...

Life threw me a weird bone with you. It is a bone that stinks and hurts to chew on, but it's the fucking bone in front of me, so I am stuck with this shit. But I can't chew too much without taking a mental health break once in awhile, if you follow how my mind drifts.

Nothing else to say. That is all

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Porch view, pt. 1 and 2

Oct 21, 2022, 10:39 PM

In To Kill a Mockingbird, the moment at the end of the book is my favorite part. Scout walks with Boo Radley back to his house. They climb up Boo's front steps, and he enters his home. Scout turns to leave, and stops to look around before stepping down from the porch. She surveys this neighborhood she grew up in, and realizes something. From Boo's front porch, this neighborhood she knows better than any other place on earth, looks different. She realizes she is seeing her neighborhood through Boo's eyes. Ever since I read this book the first time when I was fifteen, I have always tried to remind myself that every person is seeing the world from a different porch. If I am communicating with someone else or listening to somebody describe their opinion about something, I will try to slip up the steps of the front porch that resides behind that person's eyes, and maybe catch a glimpse of the view they see. It is not always easy, and with people like trump, or paul ryan, or lauren boebert, or rush limbaugh, I cannot do it at all. But with quite a few people, I can sometimes get little bits and pieces of the way things look from their porch.

...please go to SLAA, and stop re-breaking broken girls. Men-only SLAA. Please.