Juvenilia

Today, Maron's post on Tiktok has more of his words claiming to be a knowing, concerned ally to women.  If women really knew the harm he purposely causes sexually abused girls, he would not be viewed that way.  

Today he may have been posting as a feminist ally, but yesterday afternoon, he lied to a very young victim of his, a girl in recovery, a girl with BPD from childhood sexualization, a girl with suicidal ideation and a gun.  She is just starting to realize he has used other girls before, has done it many times.  She is starting to see that Maron targeted and groomed her, exploited her childhood sexual trauma, abandoned her when he was done, and ignored her pain-filled posts on his Instagram feed, begging him to hear her, telling him she loved him.  The only reason he reconnected with her was because of my post here on April 26.  He does not want his predatory behavior to come to light.  He has relied on the fact that nobody cares when sexualized children get re-exploited, to continue fucking broken girls in recovery.  Maron did not care about the lifelong pain felt by this damaged girl, pain that is always made much worse everytime he re-exploits these very young girls with BPD.  The suicidal ideation and the gun in this girl's Instagram pics did not matter to Maron.  He ignored her cries for help right there in the comment section of his IG Lives and reels.  

I posted here about Maron, on April 26, because of this damaged girl. Maron was, and still is, scrambling to cover what he did to this girl.  This girl is starting to understand what Maron did to her, and how many other girls he has done this to.  She will be experiencing more crises as Maron keeps lying to her.  This girl needs very real help.  

Maron needs to be called out for behavior that risks the lives of these girls.  He needs to stop making the minds of damaged little girls worse.  He may be seen as an ally to women but he is a predator to sexually abused little girls with mental illness.  He is not an ally to any girl from my group.

Forgotten

 In the late '90's, I often received brochures and newsletters from Amnesty International, a group I respect.  Once in awhile, they would include these small cards, with the words, "Do not be discouraged.  You are not forgotten," written inside in a number of different languages.  There was a space inside that card for supporters to sign, and send back, so those cards might be delivered by Amnesty International to persons being unlawfully detained, harmed, tortured, or experiencing other inhumane treatment.  Each time I signed one of those cards, I would hold it close to my heart, and say a silent prayer that it might reach someone in an awful place, and maybe bring some comfort.

Once, during 3 years with yet another unethical therapist who left me much worse off when they were done with me, I got one of these cards to sign.  In therapy I had been trying to let myself feel some sort of kindness toward the child I had once been.  I carried a lot of hatred and disgust for that child.  I felt like that child was a sick, weak, piece of shit.  I felt that child must have been born bad, and deserved every bad thing she went through.  A father wouldn't hurt a good daughter.  A principal wouldn't fuck a good student.  A church wouldn't blame a good teenager.  Nobody would abandon a good person.  I hated pictures of me as a child.  I hated everything about that child I had been.  So, as I opened the newsletter from Amnesty International, and that little card I could sign fell out, it shocked me when I suddenly realized, I needed to sign that card for the child I once was.  She needed to know she was not forgotten.  She had quietly suffered, for years, all alone.

I signed the card, rolled it up, placed it in a small medicine bag along with a set of tiny homemade rune stones I found and painted, and some little momentos of things that the child I once was had liked.  Beads with insects painted on them, feathers from birds, cat fur, a guitar pin, all things I enjoyed when I was little, during those long years of pain and terror.  

At 57, I no longer despise the child I once was.  I grew up fucked up, but it wasn't her fault.  She did her best.  I was unable to get things right, though, and my failures mean I am still easy prey, still leavable, and those closest to me still have no problem walking the fuck away.  They never tell me why.  Obviously I fucked up everything my whole damn life, no matter how much I tried, and don't deserve the decency afforded to others who try to learn and grow.  But none of this was that child's fault.  She was not to blame.

In trying to communicate with girls like I was, back when I was in my teens and 20's and 30's, girls who went thru hell as children, and are now being re-exploited by Marc Maron, I don't know what to say.  There is nothing I can think of to say to them now, to explain all of this to them.  I try to conjure words I could have taken in when I was their age, concepts that me back then might have been capable of understanding.  Not one goddam thing comes to mind.  I have tried to come up with anything I can think of that might have helped me back then.  Maybe if I could've warned my 25 yr-old self that her newborn was one day going to cut me out completely if she didn't figure out how to do better quicker.  Maybe I could have avoided some of the worst pain I carry now, if I could have reached me 32 years ago.  Then I realize I already knew I was shit, back then.  I was already under daily pressure trying so fucking hard to figure out wtf I was supposed to do, trying so hard to get everything right.  The only attention I got back then came from men like Maron.  Everyone else saw me as shit.  But the men like Maron?  They saw me as shit they could fuck.  Yeah, there is nothing I could have told myself back then.  When sexualized children end up tossed into that cycle of re-exploitation by Maron and predators like him, it isn't the girls who are capable of fixing that mess.  Those damaged girls are not at fault.  The much older, and very aware, predators have to be stopped, to stop this awful cycle.  It isn't the girls who can stop any of it.

I sat down on my couch, today, while realizing the futility of trying to come up with words to reach damaged girls like I was at 16, or 21, or 28, or 33.  My eyes happened to land on the wooden cross above my door, and there was the medicine bag, holding the Amnesty International note that I once signed for the child I had been.   I took the bag down, untied leather strands closed back in '99, took out the small scrolled note, opened it, and touched the signature from over 2 decades ago.  That 33 yr-old who signed that note for the child we once were, does not deserve my anger or hatred or disgust, any more than that child did.  I was fucking trying.  And I was being devoured by wolves, by predators like Marc Maron, while society looked on and blamed me.  

What can I say, to girls Maron and those like him are destroying right now?  Not much.  I can leave these words, in this blog, and hope these girls and others like them run across these words, so they can maybe take some of that blame and self-hatred they carry and place it where it belongs.  And maybe others in this society, in this world, can see the truth about what happens to sexualized children as they grow up.   Maybe this group I belong to can one day be seen as worthy of respect, as deserving of protection from society's wolves.

These pictures below are for every girl who has been victimized by Marc Maron.  You are not forgotten.

And maybe it's time for me to look at that note, and tell 33 yr-old me she is not forgotten, either.

Story behind the wooden cross:  Cross

Repost Reminder

 Reposting a reminder.  My reason for posting these is the same reason it has been since April 26, 2023.  That will not change.  When Mr. Maron is no longer choosing to be a predator toward young girls with mental health issues caused by child sexualization and abuse, these blog posts will stop.  Until then, I will not stop speaking out.

SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2023

Please Don't Forget

 Anyone reading this blog, please, don't ever let yourself forget why I am posting these. There is a very young broken victim of Marc Maron's who has many posts about suicidal ideation, and a post with a gun in her possession. Mr. Maron has finally, within the last few hours, made it so I can no longer tag him on Twitter. He is very aware of what I am doing. He won't call authorities, because he can't risk what they might find. He wants to ignore these posts. That's how little he cares for the life of a broken girl he used. He is not going to address any of this.  

In one of my first emails to wtfpod, I told him he was gonna find out just how relentless a girl with "daddy issues" can be. I will never stop thinking about the bitten nails in their photos. I will never ignore the broken girl with a gun.

Judy S. Lentz at 1:37 AM

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Grown up

Marc Maron's words from today's WTF bonus episode, speaking on the immaturity of those in their 20's, how rewatching Dog Day Afternoon as a 59 yr-old was so different:

"You gotta watch things as a grown up."

"There's no way, when you're 20 or whatever...You just have to watch things as a grown up... Your emotional spectrum has expanded to a point that it's fully formed."

Those teen girls Maron grooms, those sexualized girls twenty or thirty or forty years younger than himself that he draws in and "bonds" with and sponsors, those damaged little girls he tells lies to for sexual gratification, are NOT fully grown self-possessed women.  They are not aware how many of them he is exploiting at the same time.   They are not aware of how much worse he will leave them.  They are not aware of any of this.  And he damn well knows it.

Rape is an integral part of conquering citizens in war.  A strategic weapon in every hostile takeover.  Always has been.  Sexual assault is a specific kind of crime that destroys a person's sense of self, in a way no other assault or crime can do.  It obliterates the victim's ability to safely interact with anyone around them.  It can break well-adjusted adults who have experienced a decent start in life.  When a child experiences sexual assault/exploitation, their fundamental sense of self is destroyed.  Child sexualization does not make a child into a mature person who "knows what is up."  It specifically has the opposite effect.  Predator males in a patriarchy know this, which is why old men perpetrate such re-exploitation of those very sexually abused girls.

The things that others could do to me, say about me, convince me were normal, when I was 13, or 23, or 33, were horrendously damaging to me.  I knew nothing else.  I never had a chance to learn or experience anything else.  I did not start developing any sort of agency at all, until I was in my 40's and a member of SLAA took the time to speak the truth for me.  That was how old I had to be, to finally start to fully form the idea that everything I had experienced in my daily interactions with the much older men who lied to me so they could re-exploit me, was NOT the way I should ever be treated.  

Childhood sexualization does NOT make a child more mature.  It does the opposite. 

The number of times Mr. Maron speaks of how immature and undeveloped he was in his 20's and 30's, is easily verifiable, by his own words.  Countless times he has spoken of this.  The truth about how unknowing and undeveloped and immature humans are who are much younger than he is now.  He speaks of this truth continuously.   Whenever he tries to place blame on the stunted little damaged girls he lies to and leaves even more damaged, with even worse symptoms of mental illnesses like BPD, his own fucking words about these age groups he grooms and fucks makes it clear he knows his words excusing his predatory behavior are full of shit.  He has NO business sponsoring or befriending any young female victims of CSA.  It is not normal or healthy for any of the little damaged girls he preys on to be interacting with him at all.  They are not fully formed grown ups.  What he does to them makes them worse off, leaves them less able to ever get better.  The fact that adults around him, even other members of AA, allow him to say and do these things to mentally damaged, emotionally malformed little girls, girls already starting life with horrible strikes against them, is complicitly allowing these vulnerable naive damaged girls to be further harmed.

SLAA

Marc Maron knows 12-step.   He has used AA to re-exploit young girls entering recovery.  He has been publicly targeting teen girls who were sexually abused as children and have a specific mental illness.  He, at least once, indecently exposed his genitals on the set of a show he worked on last summer. He is a sexual predator who endangers young CSA victims who have BPD.  He is not going to overcome his predatory behavior if he does not work a program of some kind.  

He needs to work out his sexual issues in a closed, men-only SLAA group, and/or with a therapist.  The last place he needs to work out these issues is from the stage, or in mixed 12-step meetings, both places where he has been grooming broken girls for the last 3 decades.   He himself has claimed he "cannot say no to these lunatic" damaged girls he grooms, fucks, and leaves much worse off.  And flashers never get better by talking about their sexual abusiveness to crowds they are used to grooming.  He will continue receiving pictures from his growing fanbase of underage girls, he will continue leaving very young girls with BPD suicidal after he is done with them, even when he knows they have access to guns and are publicly begging him not to rip them mentally to shreds by abandoning them.  He will not stop being a predator until he has to face the truth and works the program.  That is the truth.  He knows it.  Every honest person in SLAA knows it.  Every decent parent with a cis female child who has been molested and is exhibiting signs of BPD knows it, every Intimacy Coordinator in the entertainment industry knows it. 

If he continues to manipulate everything and everyone around him to let him keep flashing girls and destroying young damaged minds, he is behaving as a narcissistic predator, and everyone allowing this to happen is enabling that predator to endanger mentally ill victims of child sexual abuse.

Not like his trauma

 So, Maron is apparently a generational philanderer.  His childhood trauma is something he has talked about for many years.  It is something I can understand, how trauma follows us as adults.  Maron has referred to his mother as still a child when she had him.  He has referred to himself as still a child all throughout his 20's,  how he knew nothing back then.  Yet to this day, Maron refers to the broken girls with BPD that he has been fucking, most recently since August of 2020, as "women."  They are horribly damaged immature children.  More children than his own mother was at their ages.

Maron has every right to speak of his childhood trauma.  He is correct, that his mother was still not a full grown women when she had him.  But it is time Maron stopped trying to excuse his 30+ years of preying on mentally ill teens as a result of his own trauma.  That's horseshit. My stepmother was put in a psych ward when she tried to tell adults about her childhood sexual abuse.  This gave her no right to traffic me.  Same with my father, the sda principal, and every therapist who later re-exploited me.  Sexually abused little children are not less important than others who experience childhood trauma, their abuse was NOT done to form those girls into fuck-toys for old men predators.

Quit trying to excuse your sexual re-exploitation of sexually abused girls with BPD, Maron.  You are a predator.   Stop covering for yourself. Be honest about fucking mentally ill children you groom to fuck as soon as they hit 18.  Stop hiding.  Stop rationalizing the damage you do to broken girls, how you leave them even more damaged and suicidal.  The damaged girls you are fucking this moment are simply fuckable leavable lunatics whose trauma does not matter to you.   Not like your trauma matters.

Is this a new leaf?

 A person online shared their impressions about Marc Maron's newest material, after seeing him perform in LA recently. The person made it sound like Maron is exploring past pain.  Maron himself has alluded to something like this, in a recent intro.  I do not personally know the person who posted about Maron's new stuff, but they came across as a new fan of Maron's, and concluded by saying they just wanted to hug Maron and "make it all better for him."  When spoken by a young person who has just been listening to a longtime grooming predator,  those words are a red flag.

The sda principal often spoke about the pain in his life.  He had experienced pain.  The awful loss of an immediate family member when he was young, killed by a drunk driver.  He had also gone thru a lot of pain because of his father's philandering.  Once, while speaking to the church youth sabbath school class back in the 80's, he got emotional as he spoke of how it confused and hurt him, to hear his father tell him how a good man should treat his wife, all said while his father was cheating on his mother.  Tears were in that principal's eyes as he told us about this, and the rest of the youth group seemed to be taking his words to heart.  The words he was saying, his tears, combined with what he had been doing to me just the night before, was too incongruous for 15 yr-old me.  I left the youth room, walked the half mile to the river, and smoked a few cigarettes, trying to figure out all I was feeling.  I kept remembering a time when my father was sitting on the couch, telling my mom and 6 yr-old sister that he was going away for the weekend to spend time praying, asking god to make him be a good husband and father.  My mom had recently accused him of sleeping with pam again, and a big fight had ensued.  When my father had stomped out, I was sent after him, to ride in his truck as a sort of chaperone, to keep him from cheating.  He drove to pam's, where she begged him to leave my mom for good.  He promised to spend the weekend with her instead of his family, and said he would drive me home and be back in an hour or so to take her away, camping.  Twenty minutes later, I watched my mom and little sister believe the silver charade his tongue wove for them, as I stood against the dining room wall trying to make sense of a world where everyone was either lying to those who trusted them, or believing those who always told them lies.

Did Maron experience trauma in his earlier life?  Hell yeah.  So did my father.  So did the sda principal.  So did everyone who has ever been born.  What we do with that trauma as we grow, that's what counts.

Is Maron gonna quit grooming and fucking damaged girls, some now young enough to be his granddaughters?  I can tell you exactly what to look for, to find your answer.  Will he continue making it clear onstage that he does not love his current gf, but he may be ready to finally accept love somewhere, someday, with somebody?  He has been grooming little damaged girls online with exactly that hope, the hope that he might be ready to "accept love." That is a phrase those broken girls he grooms will grab onto like a lifeline, and he knows it well.  The girl in recovery, and also the girl with the gun, clung to this line of his, and begged him to get back in touch with them, to please stop ghosting them, that they really did love him.  Publicly.  On his Instagram Lives and posts, in their Instagram Stories, in desperate responses everyone ignored.  Little damaged girls, so broken they think what he is doing to them is love.  Do you know what is one of the worst things an abused girl with BPD can face?  Abandonment.  That's a hallmark of BPD.  Each of these 2 girls, in starting to have to face how Maron had purposely sexually exploited their damaged minds and was now done with them, was driven into the very crisis such exploitation causes broken young girls to experience.  If Maron was 25, doing this unintentionally for the first time, not yet knowing the outcome for such girls when abandonment after exploitation happens, that would be a bit different. This is a 59 yr-old man, who knows full well how these girls react, because he has made fun of these damaged girls for these very reactions, onstage, for decades.  Laughed at them for "glomming" on to him, and being obsessed, for being lunatics he just can't say no to, for trying to control him. Those are his own words, describing these girls when he is done using them, after he has groomed them to reach out for him.  After he is done re-exploiting them.  They simply can't handle him being yet another old man who fucks and then leaves them.  Finding out how he conned and lied to them is so fucking damaging.  Sad, too, because that is an awful trauma he causes them to experience, and they don't get to let that trauma out anywhere, much less on some public stage, because they will be blamed for what he did to them. What he.  Did to them.

Last year, while he was touring, on at least two different occasions, young girls who went to different Maron shows said one of his "fake" instagram accounts sent them a dm as they were leaving his show, asking them to meet him around back, or at his hotel lobby.  One girl posted about it on Maron's Instagram, acting giggly.  The other girl, after the show she saw, posted on his Instagram that she was disturbed by that dm.

Maron has been grooming teen girls for 30+ years.  He has desensitized and normalized this grooming behavior for everyone around him, and has done it so well, he is now being spoonfed to children.  Do I think he has changed at all?  Well, whatever trauma he is processing onstage right now, it left one of his young new fans feeling like she could help him feel better.  That is what his grooming has always been meant to do.  So, it doesn’t sound to me like he has changed at all.  

When Marc Maron's fans start leaving his shows talking about how Maron says he is done hurting young girls, he is sorry for ruining the lives of damaged young BPD sufferers, he never wants to re-exploit another sexually exploited child again, and he is no longer going to be 13-stepping young girls in recovery, then maybe I will think he has grown and changed. Until he stops being a grooming predator, though, I am not interested in playing make believe.

Time plus behavior equals truth. 

Strip Tease

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

When I was around 19, I had started joining a friend in doing some amateur strip dancing. After she and I got raped by 3 guys, I started to realize that perhaps I had been sent off into the world by my father with a sucky set of work skills. I wrote this:

 Strip Tease

by

Judy S. Lentz

I would start with my hair

take it off like a wig

throw it into that hole

you once made me dig

Next, it's the feet

that failed to run

rip each one off slowly

 smile when I'm done

Now for the skin

it's easy to peel

off layers of pigment

with nerves made to feel

Out seeps old blood

a dark, stagnant flow

from a heart that ceased 

doing its job long ago

The muscle and fat that

 created my form

comes off in great lumps

odorous, barely warm

Skeletal fingers grab 

ahold of dead eyes

rip the orbs from skewed holes as

 lungs heave relieved sighs

Unholy lips are torn

 from a face

that has longed for the time

 it is finally erased

Exposed teeth gnaw at fingers

 tear away at each hand

shake them off violently

no one cares where they land

A deformed mass of 

doughy gray matter

slips out of the skull

hits the ground with a splatter

Bones tense up, shiver

 turn to dust, drop defiled

into dry shattered tear drops

 unshed by a child

Okay, here I am 

daddy, what will you do

this last time your child stands

raw before you

High Noon

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

On my 18th birthday, I got to perform my first adult legal signature when I stood as a witness for my friend's wedding at a justice of the peace. I remember looking at her and her boyfriend and recalling her telling me about her "first time," which was his first time, too. I remembered the years of watching them and other couples date in high school. And for the first time, on that day I turned 18, I thought that if I had never experienced my childhood and teenage, there was probably a guy somewhere out there that I might have done the whole wedding thing with. I wrote this poem for that unknown guy, on my 18th birthday. I was thinking of my father a little, but mostly of the adventist principal, as the ones who owed the debt in the poem. That birthday was just the very tiny beginning of me starting to realize that if the principal had been a woman who cared about me, I might have started experiencing a better life. Of course, it was only when my kids hit high school that I really understood how important the first adults are who interact with broken teens like I was. One decent teacher can truly save those kids and change their lives. One man like the principal, and a life of hell is set in stone.

I may have written this poem for that unknown boy when I was 18, but when I found and reread this poem in my 40's, I realized it was also for me:

High Noon

by 

Judy S. Lentz

There is a man out there

To whom you owe a debt

If he knew all that he had lost

I know what you would get

You stole his high school sweetheart

You took their special dance

That kiss goodnight outside the house

He never had a chance

He never took her driving

They never shared the heat

Of teenage fumbling passion

In a fogged-up car's back seat

The gift of his engagement ring

Never made her smile

He never knew the joy of walking

Her down some church aisle

He never saw their children

Or shared their family

He never got the chance

To grow old and gray with me

Somewhere there is a man to whom

A lifetime's debt you owe

But he won't ever call you out

Because he'll never know

Slide

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

The first time the principal fucked me, he got mad afterward, and sharply asked, "Where's the blood?" I never had told him all that had happened to me. I had just answered yes when he asked me if my father had molested me, which was when he first took me under his wing, so to speak. I was not anywhere near ready back then, to put into actual words what had occurred throughout my childhood. But I wrote a poem a few hours after he asked that question. I was remembering a slide on a playground when I was 5, a spiral one, as I wrote this. I wrote it in red pen. I never shared it with anyone until I was in my 40's. Here it is:

Slide

by

 Judy S. Lentz

Drop away beneath me in

breath snatching glee

Is the laughter beating in my ears

from me?

The mirrored slope descending

Sheets of silver floating down

Invisible windfingers lift my hair

the breath of a clown

Whose hand trails behind me, streaking

blood where I slid down

Membership denied

 I love books written by Alice Walker.  My first reading of Possessing the Secret of Joy back in '93 was so moving for me, I often had to set it aside until later in the day, because my children were young, and my daughter noticed when I was on the edge of tearing up while making my way through that book.  I was not able to let myself truly cry until I was in my 40's, so when my daughter saw my reactions to Alice Walker's words, it was disturbing for her.  She'd never seen me cry.

This particular book described so accurately some deep truths about societies driven by misogynistic and patriarchal foundations.   I am constantly understanding more about the meanings woven throughout this book.  My oldest son has my original copy at his place, so I have purchased The Color Purple Collection for my cloud reader.  It is time for me to reconnect with Tashi.  I understand her even more, now.

Since April 26, when I first posted about the predatory behavior of Marc Maron, and his own description of sexually assaulting/abusing a member of the crew on the set of The Horror of Dolores Roach (by indecently exposing his genitals after his scene was done and the cast and Intimacy Coordinator had left the set), I have had a painful reminder of one of the worst truths in Alice' book about Tashi.  It is not the men who circumcise little girls in societies where females are subjected to that awful form of control.  It is the women.

It has been made clear to me since April 26, that for quite a number of cis women who are outspoken warriors for women's rights all over this planet, my cause is not seen as an accepted part of the current feminist movement.  Typing that last sentence just made my eyes get hot, and that tear lump form in my throat.  I am now forced to feel the pain of something I already know well, but was not having to fully feel yet, because I hadn't acknowledged it yet.  I hadn't put it into words.  Once again, I don't belong.

When a cis female child is sexualized, their ability to develop agency is stolen, but everyone around that child will place full blame for that child's responses to CSA directly on that child.  The far right sees that as a girl choosing to be a whore, and adult men as blameless for sexually exploiting such a temptress child.  The left, the one group I always saw as the ones who might've protected me at 13, has members now letting me know they see Maron as an innocent 59 yr-old man, and the girls he fucks and leaves suicidal, girls with BPD caused by child sexual abuse, are fully mature women who know damn well Maron is only using them and does not give a shit about them.  I am being told that girls who choose to self-harm and want to die because they are being re-exploited, knew exactly what was going on, and wanted to be sexually exploited again.  I am being told I was, and they are, girls who want to be re-exploited.  I am being told these broken girls are the ones choosing this.  These girls, and myself, are not viewed as being part of #metoo by quite a number of women who I thought would be allies. Our childhood sexualization was our choice.  I caused the sda principal to fuck me.  Broken girls make Maron exploit them. Being dumb enough to believe the lies old men like Maron tell us so they can get off on our childhood sexualization, is our fault.  Too bad we didn't choose to know how to protect ourselves.

Possessing the Secret of Joy resonates deeply for me for many reasons.  But it specifically reverberates for me right now because of one disturbing truth.  The reason girls are still circumcised in some places on this planet is not because the men in those societies perform the circumcisions.  The reason girls like I was will continue to live lives like mine is not because of predator men like Marc Maron.  It's because of the women, from all sides, who will never defend us.