Membership denied

 I love books written by Alice Walker.  My first reading of Possessing the Secret of Joy back in '93 was so moving for me, I often had to set it aside until later in the day, because my children were young, and my daughter noticed when I was on the edge of tearing up while making my way through that book.  I was not able to let myself truly cry until I was in my 40's, so when my daughter saw my reactions to Alice Walker's words, it was disturbing for her.  She'd never seen me cry.

This particular book described so accurately some deep truths about societies driven by misogynistic and patriarchal foundations.   I am constantly understanding more about the meanings woven throughout this book.  My oldest son has my original copy at his place, so I have purchased The Color Purple Collection for my cloud reader.  It is time for me to reconnect with Tashi.  I understand her even more, now.

Since April 26, when I first posted about the predatory behavior of Marc Maron, and his own description of sexually assaulting/abusing a member of the crew on the set of The Horror of Dolores Roach (by indecently exposing his genitals after his scene was done and the cast and Intimacy Coordinator had left the set), I have had a painful reminder of one of the worst truths in Alice' book about Tashi.  It is not the men who circumcise little girls in societies where females are subjected to that awful form of control.  It is the women.

It has been made clear to me since April 26, that for quite a number of cis women who are outspoken warriors for women's rights all over this planet, my cause is not seen as an accepted part of the current feminist movement.  Typing that last sentence just made my eyes get hot, and that tear lump form in my throat.  I am now forced to feel the pain of something I already know well, but was not having to fully feel yet, because I hadn't acknowledged it yet.  I hadn't put it into words.  Once again, I don't belong.

When a cis female child is sexualized, their ability to develop agency is stolen, but everyone around that child will place full blame for that child's responses to CSA directly on that child.  The far right sees that as a girl choosing to be a whore, and adult men as blameless for sexually exploiting such a temptress child.  The left, the one group I always saw as the ones who might've protected me at 13, has members now letting me know they see Maron as an innocent 59 yr-old man, and the girls he fucks and leaves suicidal, girls with BPD caused by child sexual abuse, are fully mature women who know damn well Maron is only using them and does not give a shit about them.  I am being told that girls who choose to self-harm and want to die because they are being re-exploited, knew exactly what was going on, and wanted to be sexually exploited again.  I am being told I was, and they are, girls who want to be re-exploited.  I am being told these broken girls are the ones choosing this.  These girls, and myself, are not viewed as being part of #metoo by quite a number of women who I thought would be allies. Our childhood sexualization was our choice.  I caused the sda principal to fuck me.  Broken girls make Maron exploit them. Being dumb enough to believe the lies old men like Maron tell us so they can get off on our childhood sexualization, is our fault.  Too bad we didn't choose to know how to protect ourselves.

Possessing the Secret of Joy resonates deeply for me for many reasons.  But it specifically reverberates for me right now because of one disturbing truth.  The reason girls are still circumcised in some places on this planet is not because the men in those societies perform the circumcisions.  The reason girls like I was will continue to live lives like mine is not because of predator men like Marc Maron.  It's because of the women, from all sides, who will never defend us.