Hurts to see, because I know

 The adventist principal, who realized right away I was a 13 yr-old girl with "daddy issues," is on social media now.  At one point, he belonged to 2 FB support groups for teens who had been sexually exploited.  Acting so understanding, saying the words that draw in broken teens, buddying up to the ones he was attracted to.  (This is otherwise known as grooming, something I will expand on in future posts, as I think people are picturing a howler monkey or mother cat picking fleas off their babies, whenever they read the word "grooming."  Grooming is the act of subtly saying or doing things that can be said to be an innocent slip, but are calculated to draw in sexually exploited victims.  It can happen in front of everyone, and other adults refuse to see it or admit what it is.  Very damn similar to "dog-whistling.")  It was hard for me to discover that predator principal was still doing what he had done to me and many others in the '80s.  He is still at it.  That hurts my heart.  I know how those girls are being lied to and conned by him in private.  I know how they already feel like they are to blame for being sexualized.   I know how he will convince them he cares, and later, when they are suicidal or slicing up their own skin because they were so bad and crazy they could not keep him, and did not deserve his love, he will show absolutely zero concern for them.  In 40 years, some of these girls may understand things the way I now understand things.  They may, at that point, spot other sexualized children being re-exploited, and it will hurt them.  But many of them will be in much worse circumstances than I am, filled with pain and self-hatred, unable to make sense out of anything, trying to find comfort or escape with substance abuse and other destructive behaviors. And no predator ever gives a shit that this will be their victims' futures. That principal does not at all care about how he solidified the damage my father started in me, set me up for a lifetime of pain and dysfunction, how I only just within the past 4 years learned what agency really was, how it meant more than a word represented by the last letter in CIA.  How my lack of it is exactly why I could once again be exploited by yet another goddam therapist, who spent 2 years gaining my trust, and I so badly needed to not have to admit I had once again been conned into trusting yet another human being paid to help me, so I ended up being used and blamed yet again, because it hurts too much to have to admit everyone keeps helping me just so they can fuck me.  The only way I can protect myself is to never go to any human for help again.  They all know they can fuck their clients like me, and nobody will care.  When Brooke Shields recently said she was only just recently developing agency, I felt the truth of that in my soul.    

Children with my history can escape living my fucked up existence, if they are one of the lucky few who actually meet a decent human who will show them how an adult should never be interacting sexually with an exploited child, but instead show that child what decency really looks like.  Decent humans like that are rare for young exploited children to meet.  Men like Mr. Maron sweep in, saying things like "I know you've been hurt.  I can give you what you need," followed by that subtle wink that let's the exploited young person know that now they get sexual, but this time it will be with someone who really cares.  The victim responds as is expected, as they have been trained, all the while thinking "this man will share these secret things with me, but this man is doing it all with love, so I will finally be doing all of this the way it was meant to be done."  They don't know anything else but being exploited.  So now, they think they can have an exploitive interaction with an older man who really loves them.  That is what they are thinking.  If none of that makes sense to you, go hug the adults who raised you.  They are the ones who never programmed that bullshit into your head in the first place.