A Priest, Candy, and Physiology

I am going to write a truth in this post.  A truth I have actively avoided writing, or saying, for decades.  Writing this truth forces me to finally scale that most egregious barrier I have slammed up against, every time I have struggled to convey the deeply insidious things that actually happen during child sexual exploitation.  In this post, I will attempt to keep anger from infusing all of my words.  I will not be entirely successful at doing that. Don't mistake this for an apology.  I'm just shining light on the rending pain that will battle in my mind as I write this.

A little preamble, for anyone who might use conjecture to accuse me of being puritanical. I do not believe in "waiting for marriage," or expecting or teaching "abstinence-only."  Naturally maturing children are meant to experience discovering their own identities, desires, and preferences, along with their peers, who are also going thru their own discoveries, with protection and guidance from non-predatory adults.  Sound utopian?  It's how nature created humans to develop. Sexual coercion or exploitation by any adult predator during the developing years of childhood is unnatural.   

Predators who sexually target children share words among themselves that would horrify most decent people.  When Chris Hansen or the FBI or any other people try to find those sexual predators who target children, they are often forced to hear or read how those predators are twisting words to excuse their unnatural behavior.  Groups like nambla or maps (I will not capitalize those groups' acronyms) speak about children, using the same manipulative tactics that sexists and racists and proslavery-apologists use to justify their insidious and cruel behavior and beliefs.  Truth is being grossly malformed by those who want to sexually exploit children.  Talking about these truths can be deeply disturbing, painful, and nauseating, for survivors.  And infuriating.  I know what a percentage of those reading this post will be thinking of as they take in my words.  I know how some of them will try to twist and misuse my words.  I know how some of them will experience arousal because of my words.  If I could place a spell on these words here today, that would cause the immediate cessation of heart activity in any perverse predator who begins to enjoy my words, I would cast that spell over this post right now.  For fucking real.

Humans are altricial. Our young must be fed, sheltered, taught, and cared for, or they will not survive.  They are meant to be protected by the adults around them, until they reach their own adulthood.  They are meant to be experiencing their childhoods along with their peers, as adults are keeping them all safe and sustained.  That is how nature designed humans.  

Patriarchy has been warping natural human development with lies about afab children for thousands of years.  We've all heard, and sometimes repeated, those tenets of patriarchy.  "Girls mature faster than boys," "girl children are meant to be fucked by adult men," etc, etc, ad fucking nauseum.  These words are based in the purposeful twisting and misrepresentation of natural physiology.   Because we live in a patriarchy, these twisted words are often accepted as truth, in regards to female children.  But there is a corresponding twist of words that is identically used by adult predators who desire to sexually exploit male children.  The reason these corresponding words aren't a larger part of the accepted vernacular systemically embedded in our society, is because we live in a patriarchy. To understand the truth about all of this, we have to look at physiology.  And we have to look at the intent of any adult who is warping natural childhood development to justify sexually exploiting any of our children. 

Humans are born with organ systems, and sub-systems, that are all parts making up the whole system of a human being. These systems function in varying degrees of under-development in infancy.  This is what makes humans experience a time of dependency on the adults around them for survival.  We are not born fully developed.  Our bodies and brains take years to reach any level of maturity.  This is our natural state of existence, when we are born.  

The reproductive system in infants is not developed, and regardless of what bigotry proclaims, a host of differences naturally occur within the reproductive systems of children everywhere.  In children, regardless of sex assigned at birth, this system goes through developing changes during childhood that roughly correspond with changes occurring in their peers.  That is natural.  Years down the road, these same systems also begin to slow their reproductive processes at roughly the same time among peers.  That is natural.  Medicine can prolong the aging of reproductive organs, and in our patriarchy, where we use medicine that has been male-centric for millenia, mass marketing of treatments to keep older penises from naturally slowing down has been the result.  Patriarchy, not nature, is the reason for this.    

All human babies, from birth on, experience increasing degrees of self-awareness, which includes awareness of sensations within their whole system.  Nothing about that awareness is mature or precocious. It is simply a part of being a developing human child.  

In our patriarchy, where afab children are spoken of in an unnatural way by those who want to sexually exploit female children, there are systemically embedded beliefs that are still passed on to new generations, by way of commonly spoken mythos. "Old enough to bleed...," "grass on the field...," etc., these are seen as acceptable or humorous statements, planting patriarchal tenets systemically into society every time these words are repeated. There is a resulting degradation of lesser known jokes shared among adults who sexually exploit children. I once heard my father and pam share just such a "joke," words I never heard repeated, until I later read those words in a John Grisham book. I despise having this glimpse into the minds of those who want to fuck children. To call it a joke is a perversion of the word "joke."  But it is no more perverted than "grass on the field."  It is the progression of the perverted "logic" behind the tenets of patriarchy.   Here are the words my father and pam found pruriently humorous:  "If they are old enough to crawl, they are in the right position."

Now, I am going to write that truth I have never disclosed before. It is a truth that will be misused, by anyone with unnatural sexual desire toward children. I also know how these words may be misused to try and shift blame from predators onto children for the crime of child sexual abuse. I write it, in spite of predators. My first memory of experiencing orgasm happened during the time right before my sister was born.  My mom was very pregnant, and taking a nap.  I was alone with my father.  I was 2 years and approximately 10 months old.  My father was manipulating my toddler body.  

Does that scene settle into your mind as a natural, beautiful moment?  (Those of you reading these words, who are picturing that depraved moment in any salacious manner, this is where my previously mentioned imaginary spell would unalive your pedo ass.  I mean that.  With every fiber of my being.)  I am unable to accurately describe the depravity and blatant lecherousness of the look in my father's eyes as that moment was happening.  The existence of love is antithetical to the look in the eyes of a predator at a moment like that.  It is the closest I can come to saying I have seen a look filled with absolute evil.  I saw very similar looks twice more, when I was a child who still didn't know I could avoid eye contact with other humans.  I saw that look in the eyes of an adult man as he raped a seven-year-old boy.  And I saw that look in the eyes of the first man who raped me when I was five.  I can still catch hints of that look in adult men contemplating the sexual exploitation of children.  I actively try not to see that look. To have a full-on view of such perversely rapturized predatorial enjoyment of defiling a child is to see actual evil.  Not satan-horns and bs religious representations of right and wrong.  No, this look is actual evil.  A look devoid of human decency.   I will never insult animals, by calling this look "animal."  The lion or wolf who catches prey, never has this look. They are not aware of causing unnatural pain and damage to another being. Their eyes do not contain the inhumane knowledge of exactly what they are doing to a being who was never meant to be exploited in such a manner. Yes, human evil is definable, unique, and very self-aware. It fucking exists.  I saw it, the first time my toddler body was forced to feel something I should have discovered on my own, later in my development.

The truth about child physiology gets misused by nambla/maps/sexual predators, to justify adult sexual exploitation of children. Human babies can experience varying degrees of undeveloped genital pleasure.  Boys and girls.  Both. Equally. I read of a priest who said he should be seen as "normal" when he sexually exploited male children, because male babies experience erections. That is a common nambla justification of child sexual abuse. Children, all children, experience childhood responses that are a part of their natural stages of growth.  Nature designed human children to be going through these stages, along with their peers, while adults are protecting and guiding how these children are maturing.  Twisting any of these childhood stages into something adults get off on, is not natural.  It is a perversion of natural development. In a patriarchy, predatory men will lecherously grin as they pontificate about how it is "little girls" who are "maturing" thru sexual stages earlier than "little boys."  That is not physiology.  That is patriarchy, justifying the sexual exploitation of afab children.  It is a lie.

Parents used to warn children about any adult strangers who offered them candy.  Predators offer children things they like, to entice them. This grooming includes offering things like sweets, or a place to play video games or watch forbidden movies, access to alcohol or drugs, expensive gifts, and something else so many kids respond to:  attention from an adult. The knowledge that these are the behaviors predatory adults use to sexually exploit children is fundamental in the ability for society to spot and stop sexual predators. Children who have been groomed by these predators are often encouraged to bring other children around to meet the predator. Because these children are all too young to know any better, they can end up unwittingly exploited by predators to bring other children around, so the predator can have access to more victims.  I once thought all of this was understood by society.  I see it being actively ignored by society today. It is not "infantalizing" children, to stop adult predators from sexually exploiting children.  To say it is infantalizing, is allowing predators to twist words and blame onto those trying to keep sexual predators from fucking kids.  It's as if parents now days are taking their children to that known predator handing out candy in front of his panel van, and these parents saying, "Now you go on and make your own strong, mature decision. If you enjoy the candy, it's all fine. See ya later," and if any adult tries to call out that predator, parents may pile on blame to the only person trying to keep an unnatural sexual crime from happening.  When did society start to believe because children like candy, they should be allowed to go on over and hop in the van with the "nice" predator?  Sexual predators whom children were once told to run away from, have been allowed to groom us all into believing that because children like whatever predators may use to entice them, that means the predators are doing allowable things.  Society is being groomed to believe because child bodies have certain immature physiological reactions that can be misused and twisted by adult sexual predators, it's okay for these predators to sexually exploit children.  We are allowing predators to have access to children, in front of everyone, while those predators twist words to normalize all of it.

When a child is playing a video game on a predator's couch, or feeling the effects of a mind-altering substance some predatory adult gave them, that child will believe they are enjoying these things. They will believe they are being mature.  But they are simply children, being exploited by a predator.  They have no way of knowing any better.  We don't let children decide who the sexual predators in society are.  Predators do not cease being criminals when a child enjoys the candy or attention that the predator gives them.  We should not excuse the predator who is a celebrity who successfully camouflages their predatory behavior behind dogwhistles and subtle grins understood by other predators. We should never allow these predators to have access to, or be marketed to, our children.  

The look on a predator's face, as they sexually exploit a child, says everything about what they are really doing.  The look on the faces of every adult male who has officially counted down to the day girls like Emma Watson or the Olson twins turned "legal" in whatever country these girls were living in, says exactly what is in those adult predators' hearts.  To allow these predatory adults access to children is to be culpable for, and an accomplice to, the crime of child sexual abuse.

I was sexually exploited by my father, who handed me to pam, who handed me to her clientele, and took pictures of me and other children to hand to other predators. The symptoms all of this created in me, made me the target of a sexual predator church school principal when I was 13, where I was then handed the blame for all of it before my 18th birthday.  None of this was my fault. And none of this was done by safe, decent adults.  None of the sexual exploitation that I experienced throughout my whole childhood was natural.  Watching society allow sexual predators to have increasing access to our children, is wrong.