Not like his trauma

 So, Maron is apparently a generational philanderer.  His childhood trauma is something he has talked about for many years.  It is something I can understand, how trauma follows us as adults.  Maron has referred to his mother as still a child when she had him.  He has referred to himself as still a child all throughout his 20's,  how he knew nothing back then.  Yet to this day, Maron refers to the broken girls with BPD that he has been fucking, most recently since August of 2020, as "women."  They are horribly damaged immature children.  More children than his own mother was at their ages.

Maron has every right to speak of his childhood trauma.  He is correct, that his mother was still not a full grown women when she had him.  But it is time Maron stopped trying to excuse his 30+ years of preying on mentally ill teens as a result of his own trauma.  That's horseshit. My stepmother was put in a psych ward when she tried to tell adults about her childhood sexual abuse.  This gave her no right to traffic me.  Same with my father, the sda principal, and every therapist who later re-exploited me.  Sexually abused little children are not less important than others who experience childhood trauma, their abuse was NOT done to form those girls into fuck-toys for old men predators.

Quit trying to excuse your sexual re-exploitation of sexually abused girls with BPD, Maron.  You are a predator.   Stop covering for yourself. Be honest about fucking mentally ill children you groom to fuck as soon as they hit 18.  Stop hiding.  Stop rationalizing the damage you do to broken girls, how you leave them even more damaged and suicidal.  The damaged girls you are fucking this moment are simply fuckable leavable lunatics whose trauma does not matter to you.   Not like your trauma matters.

Is this a new leaf?

 A person online shared their impressions about Marc Maron's newest material, after seeing him perform in LA recently. The person made it sound like Maron is exploring past pain.  Maron himself has alluded to something like this, in a recent intro.  I do not personally know the person who posted about Maron's new stuff, but they came across as a new fan of Maron's, and concluded by saying they just wanted to hug Maron and "make it all better for him."  When spoken by a young person who has just been listening to a longtime grooming predator,  those words are a red flag.

The sda principal often spoke about the pain in his life.  He had experienced pain.  The awful loss of an immediate family member when he was young, killed by a drunk driver.  He had also gone thru a lot of pain because of his father's philandering.  Once, while speaking to the church youth sabbath school class back in the 80's, he got emotional as he spoke of how it confused and hurt him, to hear his father tell him how a good man should treat his wife, all said while his father was cheating on his mother.  Tears were in that principal's eyes as he told us about this, and the rest of the youth group seemed to be taking his words to heart.  The words he was saying, his tears, combined with what he had been doing to me just the night before, was too incongruous for 15 yr-old me.  I left the youth room, walked the half mile to the river, and smoked a few cigarettes, trying to figure out all I was feeling.  I kept remembering a time when my father was sitting on the couch, telling my mom and 6 yr-old sister that he was going away for the weekend to spend time praying, asking god to make him be a good husband and father.  My mom had recently accused him of sleeping with pam again, and a big fight had ensued.  When my father had stomped out, I was sent after him, to ride in his truck as a sort of chaperone, to keep him from cheating.  He drove to pam's, where she begged him to leave my mom for good.  He promised to spend the weekend with her instead of his family, and said he would drive me home and be back in an hour or so to take her away, camping.  Twenty minutes later, I watched my mom and little sister believe the silver charade his tongue wove for them, as I stood against the dining room wall trying to make sense of a world where everyone was either lying to those who trusted them, or believing those who always told them lies.

Did Maron experience trauma in his earlier life?  Hell yeah.  So did my father.  So did the sda principal.  So did everyone who has ever been born.  What we do with that trauma as we grow, that's what counts.

Is Maron gonna quit grooming and fucking damaged girls, some now young enough to be his granddaughters?  I can tell you exactly what to look for, to find your answer.  Will he continue making it clear onstage that he does not love his current gf, but he may be ready to finally accept love somewhere, someday, with somebody?  He has been grooming little damaged girls online with exactly that hope, the hope that he might be ready to "accept love." That is a phrase those broken girls he grooms will grab onto like a lifeline, and he knows it well.  The girl in recovery, and also the girl with the gun, clung to this line of his, and begged him to get back in touch with them, to please stop ghosting them, that they really did love him.  Publicly.  On his Instagram Lives and posts, in their Instagram Stories, in desperate responses everyone ignored.  Little damaged girls, so broken they think what he is doing to them is love.  Do you know what is one of the worst things an abused girl with BPD can face?  Abandonment.  That's a hallmark of BPD.  Each of these 2 girls, in starting to have to face how Maron had purposely sexually exploited their damaged minds and was now done with them, was driven into the very crisis such exploitation causes broken young girls to experience.  If Maron was 25, doing this unintentionally for the first time, not yet knowing the outcome for such girls when abandonment after exploitation happens, that would be a bit different. This is a 59 yr-old man, who knows full well how these girls react, because he has made fun of these damaged girls for these very reactions, onstage, for decades.  Laughed at them for "glomming" on to him, and being obsessed, for being lunatics he just can't say no to, for trying to control him. Those are his own words, describing these girls when he is done using them, after he has groomed them to reach out for him.  After he is done re-exploiting them.  They simply can't handle him being yet another old man who fucks and then leaves them.  Finding out how he conned and lied to them is so fucking damaging.  Sad, too, because that is an awful trauma he causes them to experience, and they don't get to let that trauma out anywhere, much less on some public stage, because they will be blamed for what he did to them. What he.  Did to them.

Last year, while he was touring, on at least two different occasions, young girls who went to different Maron shows said one of his "fake" instagram accounts sent them a dm as they were leaving his show, asking them to meet him around back, or at his hotel lobby.  One girl posted about it on Maron's Instagram, acting giggly.  The other girl, after the show she saw, posted on his Instagram that she was disturbed by that dm.

Maron has been grooming teen girls for 30+ years.  He has desensitized and normalized this grooming behavior for everyone around him, and has done it so well, he is now being spoonfed to children.  Do I think he has changed at all?  Well, whatever trauma he is processing onstage right now, it left one of his young new fans feeling like she could help him feel better.  That is what his grooming has always been meant to do.  So, it doesn’t sound to me like he has changed at all.  

When Marc Maron's fans start leaving his shows talking about how Maron says he is done hurting young girls, he is sorry for ruining the lives of damaged young BPD sufferers, he never wants to re-exploit another sexually exploited child again, and he is no longer going to be 13-stepping young girls in recovery, then maybe I will think he has grown and changed. Until he stops being a grooming predator, though, I am not interested in playing make believe.

Time plus behavior equals truth. 

Strip Tease

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

When I was around 19, I had started joining a friend in doing some amateur strip dancing. After she and I got raped by 3 guys, I started to realize that perhaps I had been sent off into the world by my father with a sucky set of work skills. I wrote this:

 Strip Tease

by

Judy S. Lentz

I would start with my hair

take it off like a wig

throw it into that hole

you once made me dig

Next, it's the feet

that failed to run

rip each one off slowly

 smile when I'm done

Now for the skin

it's easy to peel

off layers of pigment

with nerves made to feel

Out seeps old blood

a dark, stagnant flow

from a heart that ceased 

doing its job long ago

The muscle and fat that

 created my form

comes off in great lumps

odorous, barely warm

Skeletal fingers grab 

ahold of dead eyes

rip the orbs from skewed holes as

 lungs heave relieved sighs

Unholy lips are torn

 from a face

that has longed for the time

 it is finally erased

Exposed teeth gnaw at fingers

 tear away at each hand

shake them off violently

no one cares where they land

A deformed mass of 

doughy gray matter

slips out of the skull

hits the ground with a splatter

Bones tense up, shiver

 turn to dust, drop defiled

into dry shattered tear drops

 unshed by a child

Okay, here I am 

daddy, what will you do

this last time your child stands

raw before you

High Noon

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

On my 18th birthday, I got to perform my first adult legal signature when I stood as a witness for my friend's wedding at a justice of the peace. I remember looking at her and her boyfriend and recalling her telling me about her "first time," which was his first time, too. I remembered the years of watching them and other couples date in high school. And for the first time, on that day I turned 18, I thought that if I had never experienced my childhood and teenage, there was probably a guy somewhere out there that I might have done the whole wedding thing with. I wrote this poem for that unknown guy, on my 18th birthday. I was thinking of my father a little, but mostly of the adventist principal, as the ones who owed the debt in the poem. That birthday was just the very tiny beginning of me starting to realize that if the principal had been a woman who cared about me, I might have started experiencing a better life. Of course, it was only when my kids hit high school that I really understood how important the first adults are who interact with broken teens like I was. One decent teacher can truly save those kids and change their lives. One man like the principal, and a life of hell is set in stone.

I may have written this poem for that unknown boy when I was 18, but when I found and reread this poem in my 40's, I realized it was also for me:

High Noon

by 

Judy S. Lentz

There is a man out there

To whom you owe a debt

If he knew all that he had lost

I know what you would get

You stole his high school sweetheart

You took their special dance

That kiss goodnight outside the house

He never had a chance

He never took her driving

They never shared the heat

Of teenage fumbling passion

In a fogged-up car's back seat

The gift of his engagement ring

Never made her smile

He never knew the joy of walking

Her down some church aisle

He never saw their children

Or shared their family

He never got the chance

To grow old and gray with me

Somewhere there is a man to whom

A lifetime's debt you owe

But he won't ever call you out

Because he'll never know

Slide

Part of the email, "Restorative Justice," sent to Mr. Maron on Sept 13, 2022, 4:03 pm:

The first time the principal fucked me, he got mad afterward, and sharply asked, "Where's the blood?" I never had told him all that had happened to me. I had just answered yes when he asked me if my father had molested me, which was when he first took me under his wing, so to speak. I was not anywhere near ready back then, to put into actual words what had occurred throughout my childhood. But I wrote a poem a few hours after he asked that question. I was remembering a slide on a playground when I was 5, a spiral one, as I wrote this. I wrote it in red pen. I never shared it with anyone until I was in my 40's. Here it is:

Slide

by

 Judy S. Lentz

Drop away beneath me in

breath snatching glee

Is the laughter beating in my ears

from me?

The mirrored slope descending

Sheets of silver floating down

Invisible windfingers lift my hair

the breath of a clown

Whose hand trails behind me, streaking

blood where I slid down

Membership denied

 I love books written by Alice Walker.  My first reading of Possessing the Secret of Joy back in '93 was so moving for me, I often had to set it aside until later in the day, because my children were young, and my daughter noticed when I was on the edge of tearing up while making my way through that book.  I was not able to let myself truly cry until I was in my 40's, so when my daughter saw my reactions to Alice Walker's words, it was disturbing for her.  She'd never seen me cry.

This particular book described so accurately some deep truths about societies driven by misogynistic and patriarchal foundations.   I am constantly understanding more about the meanings woven throughout this book.  My oldest son has my original copy at his place, so I have purchased The Color Purple Collection for my cloud reader.  It is time for me to reconnect with Tashi.  I understand her even more, now.

Since April 26, when I first posted about the predatory behavior of Marc Maron, and his own description of sexually assaulting/abusing a member of the crew on the set of The Horror of Dolores Roach (by indecently exposing his genitals after his scene was done and the cast and Intimacy Coordinator had left the set), I have had a painful reminder of one of the worst truths in Alice' book about Tashi.  It is not the men who circumcise little girls in societies where females are subjected to that awful form of control.  It is the women.

It has been made clear to me since April 26, that for quite a number of cis women who are outspoken warriors for women's rights all over this planet, my cause is not seen as an accepted part of the current feminist movement.  Typing that last sentence just made my eyes get hot, and that tear lump form in my throat.  I am now forced to feel the pain of something I already know well, but was not having to fully feel yet, because I hadn't acknowledged it yet.  I hadn't put it into words.  Once again, I don't belong.

When a cis female child is sexualized, their ability to develop agency is stolen, but everyone around that child will place full blame for that child's responses to CSA directly on that child.  The far right sees that as a girl choosing to be a whore, and adult men as blameless for sexually exploiting such a temptress child.  The left, the one group I always saw as the ones who might've protected me at 13, has members now letting me know they see Maron as an innocent 59 yr-old man, and the girls he fucks and leaves suicidal, girls with BPD caused by child sexual abuse, are fully mature women who know damn well Maron is only using them and does not give a shit about them.  I am being told that girls who choose to self-harm and want to die because they are being re-exploited, knew exactly what was going on, and wanted to be sexually exploited again.  I am being told I was, and they are, girls who want to be re-exploited.  I am being told these broken girls are the ones choosing this.  These girls, and myself, are not viewed as being part of #metoo by quite a number of women who I thought would be allies. Our childhood sexualization was our choice.  I caused the sda principal to fuck me.  Broken girls make Maron exploit them. Being dumb enough to believe the lies old men like Maron tell us so they can get off on our childhood sexualization, is our fault.  Too bad we didn't choose to know how to protect ourselves.

Possessing the Secret of Joy resonates deeply for me for many reasons.  But it specifically reverberates for me right now because of one disturbing truth.  The reason girls are still circumcised in some places on this planet is not because the men in those societies perform the circumcisions.  The reason girls like I was will continue to live lives like mine is not because of predator men like Marc Maron.  It's because of the women, from all sides, who will never defend us.

"What are you hiding for, Maron?"

 Marc Maron considers himself to be a "mid-level celebrity."  This seems to be an honest, accurate description of his status.  Podcast listeners are very aware of him, comedy fans are often aware of him, and movie-goers are beginning to appreciate his acting abilities. True Maron fans are aware of all of this, as well as his guitar skills and his ownership of cats.  They are also aware of other things he once made sure were publicly known.

Throughout his decades of performing, there are things about him that have been well publicized, as he has been vocal about his personal likes and dislikes, his foibles and neurosis.  Because of his mid-level status, not everyone has been aware of these things, but his fans are kept up to date, by Maron's own words, by what he chooses to let others know.  Maron has recently complained about certain fans thinking they know him, which I find ironic, as he has been publicly interacting with and "dating" fans for decades.  He is the one creating these very parasocial interactions he now wants to complain about.  He has been grooming "sugar pics" from young fans since his Jessica days, although he always blames the girls for sending those pics he has subtly been making clear he wants, which is a classic part of the grooming process.  He has been hooking up with very young girls with specific mental health issues for over 30 years, ever since he first began grooming those very girls from the stage and from visits to late night TV.  He used to be quite proud about his re-exploitation of sexually abused girls with BPD, happy to confirm this once well-known and oft referred to fact about his proclivities. After #me,too, he made it clear in the Guardian interview that he still saw his behavior toward teen girls as perfectly fine.  Since then, he has done an obvious about face.  Not in his predatory behavior, simply in his crowing about it.  When I sent the "Well, hell" email late last summer, he and/or his handlers, started removing proof of his sexual behavior toward damaged young girls from YouTube and other online sources.  It is apparent that he is going to keep fucking young and teen girls with serious issues, but he is now trying to keep his newest fans in the dark, which is especially insidious and disingenuous when one considers the number of children who are being added to his fan base.  What happened to his pride in how many young girls he could groom and fuck?  Where is his trademark honesty and matter-of-factness when it comes to his constant drawing in and sexually interacting with damaged girls as soon as they hit 18?  He has obviously never seen this behavior as something he should change, but he sure has decided to try and keep this behavior hidden from parents of his newest fan base.  Not to mention, from people like Brooke Shields, who he interviewed as if he understood the way sick old predators in this patriarchy have sexualized children born female, presenting himself as an ally, while he was actively ghosting a broken young girl with a gun that he had just finished sexually exploiting. 

Where's that trademark honesty, Maron?  Why are you now hiding what you used to brag about, making sure your new fans never hear the truth about you now?  You have, twice, on podcasts heard by none of your new fans, and hardly anyone else, hastily glossed over the fact that you still sexually interact with girls who are "legal," in whatever country you may be standing in, but you do not say these things in your intros, or make sure parents are aware of you seeing their young daughters as fuckable.  What's up with that, Maron?  Do you perhaps know what you are doing is predatory?

Yeah, you know.  You damn well know.  Parents need to fucking know.  And those making movies for kids need to see you as the predator you are, and stop marketing you as safe and harmless to children.

If you don't see grooming and fucking teen and very young sexually abused girls with serious mental health issues as wrong, you need to speak up and say it, on your podcast.  Your newest fan base, and the parents/guardians of the underage members among those new fans, have a goddam right to know.

Tagging Mr. Maron

 A year ago right now, I was actively re-engaging with online life, experiencing new music for the first time in quite awhile, watching new movies and reading new books, catching up on shows by comedians that I had missed.  I was about to re-experience a moment of real laughter, for the first time in years.  I was blissfully unaware of the gaping rabbit hole waiting for me up around the bend.  

Someone asked me, in an email this weekend,  what is it I would actually like to accomplish, if I could pick one thing my current blog posts might cause to happen.  Something that was within the realm of possibility.  I decided, if I could narrow it down to one rationally obtainable goal, I would hope Mr. Maron might publicly say, from the same stage he has used to disparage and sexualize and groom girls with mental health issues caused by child sexual abuse, that because he chooses to continue having sex with girls as soon as they are legal, he will no longer market himself to children.  This would be an honest admission to his fan base, so parents could respond accordingly,  and damaged girls might have a chance to understand that they are not "special" to this man, that he does this a lot and they are simply one of many he is choosing to briefly use.  His fans, and future exploited girls would be better informed about his real behavior, and he would no longer be actively and publicly marketed to children as "safe."  That was my answer to the emailer's question.  Apparently,  it was seen as a further attempt by me to employ sarcasm, because the email reply I got was simply, "🤣."  My inability to view life in any "normal" manner is in no danger of changing, I guess.  I honestly believed this was not an unreasonable ask.  I still see this as something that could happen, if Maron would decide to be honest about his own behavior that he views as acceptable.  Ah well, maybe the emailer was laughing because he knows a man like Maron would never do anything this honest.  Maybe it wasn't laughter at my stupidity.  Doesn't matter, either way.  It was the most honest response I could come up with.  

I was clueless a year ago right now.  It was a different time.

When?

 So, when does progressive, compassionate Mr. Maron apologize to every child being sexually assaulted this second, for ever using that horribly dehumanizing and diminishing term, "Daddy issues?"  When does he apologize to everyone with BPD for targeting and dehumanizing and sexualizing those with this mental illness?  When does he apologize to parents for buddying up to children he has no problem grooming and then fucking them the minute they turn legal?

When does open season on sexually abused children finally end?

What kind of man are you, really, Marc Maron?  Man enough to tell every parent that yes, you will fuck their daughter as soon as she hits 18, if she has been molested or has a mental health issue?  When do you tell them if their little girl responds to your online grooming by sending you underage pics, you will not turn those pics in to law enforcement? When do you man up and admit how many broken sexually abused BPD sufferers you have left suicidal?

How long do you ignore this damaged person speaking so hard from her broken heart, speaking for a group of horribly damaged humans you have dehumanized and re-exploited for decades?

When?...

In a Flash

My oldest son has been sending me pictures from his visit to Kauai, the island where his father and I lived back when we were nineteen.  I am enjoying how so many of the places I remember from 38 years ago have not changed.  The Maniniholo Dry Cave, at Haena, where we slept after our tents and belongings were stolen, looks exactly the same now as it did in '85.  The hiking ridge that looks down on Kalalau Valley along the NaPali has not changed, either. Two photos in particular that my son sent, transported me straight back in time.  I could feel the soft muffled stillness of the dry cave, waking up long ago to sunlight scattering inward around the edges of that cave entrance. As I saw the image of that place now, the scents and sounds of that cave swept over me.  Another photo from the ridge trail overlooking the curving valleys dropping away toward the Pacific, mist hovering atop green ferns and tangled vines draping across red dirt and rock, all took me straight back to a moment sitting outside a tent in Kalalau, eating guava, misted salt scents seasoning the sweet fruit as the whole scene fed my bloodstream and soul those decades ago.  Those two photos were all I needed to travel back in time, and I was there again.  No scientific machine necessary for this trip.  Part of my mind exists there still, in that cave and valley, and a photo lets me re-experience those moments.  At times like this, I am grateful for the way my memory works.  

There are other times when I am not grateful for my memory.  Back in the '90's, when I spoke to law enforcement in the city where I was used by my stepmother in the making of child porn, I was shocked to have the detective I spoke with tell me how a significant number of children who are interviewed after they are identified in child porn material, will have no memory of those moments of horrendous sexual exploitation.  I would give almost anything to not remember the worst memories from my childhood.  Human minds sometimes successfully block those kinds of awful memories. 

Since I have been an adult, I have had startling moments of pain that have hurt in my chest, reactions I have heard defined as "triggering," the PTSD-type responses that remove me from the moment, and place me straight back into the hell of my childhood.  I have written about some of these moments where something in real time, makes me re-experience pain from the past.  Here is one example of such a moment, copied from an archived blog post:

"Sometimes, when I am driving cats to be fixed at a clinic, there will be a kitten who makes me catch my breath, and feel a sudden, deep ache. It will be a slender black kitten, about 5 months old, with big golden eyes, who looks a lot like my kitten Barney looked. Seeing such a kitten always makes me ache a bit inside, but I have learned to ignore that pain, work right through it, and focus on the big picture, which is getting a group of cats fixed, to lessen the number of stray and feral cats who suffer daily in this world. 

On one particular cat trip this past couple of years, there was one of these slender black kittens that I picked up to take with a group of cats to get fixed. That kitten caught my eye right away. Later in the day, the owner of that cat called my cell phone, to see how their kitten was recovering after surgery. I told her the kitten was doing fine. She asked me if I could tell her daughter that the kitten was fine, because her daughter was very worried about her cat. I said yes, and a tiny voice came on the phone. My brain went through a great deal of pain, as I listened to the voice of a very young child ask me if her cat was okay. Her voice was so serious and worried. I told her that her kitten was doing very well, and would be home soon. Then I thanked her for letting us fix her cat, because this was the best way to help all of the cats have better lives. When that tiny little voice said, "You're welcome," I was overwhelmed with emotion. I put the phone into my pocket, and immediately went into the clinic bathroom to be alone. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch the wall. I wanted so badly to never have been forced to kill my kitten Barney, when I was little, when my voice must have sounded like the little girl I had just talked to on the phone."

_____________________

That is an example of how I experience flashbacks.  It is not fun.  There are other moments, where I am forced to re-feel pain from my past.  Like seeing that predator sda principal responding to one of my friend's posts on social media, which immediately makes me relive how it felt to be groomed, conned, lied to, sexually re-exploited, and then blamed for all of it, by a man who is seen as decent to this day by most of the people who know him.  It hurts so much, to know what he really did, how he is a sick-ass predator who purposely damages damaged little girls with "daddy issues," and to have to see how he is viewed as decent by most people who know him.  I have to know the truth, while I also have to know how many others believe his facade.  This is emotionally some of the most painful truths I carry.  I am thankful that asshole is enough degrees in separation from me, that such painful moments are not common.

On July 7, the first episode of a show will be premiered on Prime, and thousands of people will watch it.  They will respond by saying positive things about the actors featured in that episode.  Those actors will be publicly viewed, and spoken of, all over social media.  The trailer for this first episode is already out there.  I have seen it myself a number of times, and I am actively trying to avoid seeing anything about that program.  Every time I see it, my heart hurts for the person that show is going to re-damage.  A crime was committed, and there is a girl who will have to re-experience the pain of that crime, every time she sees the trailer for that show.  The face of her perpetrator will forever hurt that girl, because she has to know what he really did, how he purposely chose to commit a sexual crime against her, how he is a predator who harmed her illegally, yet everyone else will be viewing that same man as a good person, treating him well, praising him.  Marketing him to children...

I hope she knows that she isn't completely alone as she is re-traumatized.  I know what he did.  I know how it will continue to harm her, and how often the trauma will be replayed in her mind, because that crime is part of public entertainment, and her mind won't have a chance to forget.  I know what he chose to do, how he does not care about, or even acknowledge, the pain he caused her.  How that flash of his face onscreen will reharm her soul, over and over.