The view from the girl with BPD and a gun

She is watching.  Listening.  Learning.  Seeing the spotlight land on Maron, as he uses the plight of women to bring everything back around to a pissing contest.  Mansplaining at its finest.  All of his victims are watching. His shadow cast behind him hides them all, hides her.  Blots out the mind and heart breaking because of the damage he is doing to her.  She isn't a blip on anyone's radar.  For her, feminism is now her predator making it all about male crotches, being heralded as some sort of hero for a cause she doesn't even realize she should be part of.  

Hey, up for a challenge?

Pop quiz, Grooming 101

I have a little challenge, for those who would like to learn how to spot grooming.  This test isn't as hard as you might think.  I'm betting quite a few of you can ace this quiz, once you know what to watch for.

Marc Maron created a narrative, years ago, surrounding his interactions with one of his many younger fan hookups, a girl with whom he had a public relationship and eventual breakup.  Maron painted her as the aggressor.  He sexualized her mental illness from the stage. He publicly said she started everything by sending him naked pics of herself.  He made himself out to be the victim of this younger girl with BPD.  But that isn't altogether true. Their very first interaction was at a booksigning for him.  His words and behavior at that first interaction were examples of the initial groundwork he always subtly uses to draw in young girls with mental illness caused by childhood sexual trauma.  That young fan would never have sent him any pics, if he had not planted such an idea in her mind at their actual first meeting.  That is a textbook example of what grooming looks like.  Maron plants an idea in the minds of young girls suffering from serious issues, issues he knows he can later use to lay all of the blame on them.   His grooming, like forms of gaslighting and dogwhistling, is subtle enough for his plausible deniability later on when the girl is in crisis. 

Maron has been dropping hints for the last few months now, regarding a specific topic he desperately wants to have make its rounds through his current ranks of young new fans.  I am betting quite a number of observant folks out there will be capable of pinpointing this current attempt from Maron to guide his prey into doing his bidding, now that I have mentioned this specific grooming behavior has been happening since this past winter.  I will give one last hint, for anyone feeling up to the challenge of identifying Maron's current grooming attempts:  Maron actively grooms young damaged girls from every means and platform he uses to interact with the public.

Good luck, test takers.  Oh, btw, there is a prize for each one who gives the correct answer:  you will have found the ability to spot predators, wherever and whenever they are grooming potential victims.  That ability is rare, and sometimes life-saving.

Edited to add:  Yes, extra credit will be given to anyone who spots current grooming attempts I might have missed, and an automatic A+ (are lettered grades even a thing anymore?) will be awarded to anyone who takes the time to search through all of Maron's online history and spots old grooming attempts. 

An update:  I am surprised to have received a number of correct responses!  It gives me hope that maybe someday, girls like I was might be protected from predators, instead of blamed for their behavior.

This contest does not expire.  Everyone is welcome to play.  Anyone who finds it important enough to try, is already a winner in my book.  Thank you.

Cave of pain

The pain of having to realize how a much older trusted adult, an adult who knows how badly one has been traumatized by CSA, was simply acting caring and concerned just to get off on that past abuse, is awful pain.  When one has to realize that such a trusted older adult has been doing this for decades and knows well how it leaves suicidal broken victims much worse off, yet chose to do it once again anyway, that realization is soul killing.  The final abandonment that older adult knew all along was coming, creates mental torture beyond description in the mind of such a victim.  The crisis building inside one of Marc Maron's most recent victims is an emotional pain I know well.  Those who don't understand that pain, who can brush it aside and diminish it and even laugh about how such pain manifests itself through that victim, are taking part in a cruelty that leaves such a victim longing for death.  I can't brush such pain aside, or blame the victim who is experiencing such anguish.  I know that pain too well to ever diminish or deny it.

When I was 17, I had to realize something so painful, 40 years later it is making my chest ache to write about it. I still have not fully processed what happened inside my mind that day.  

The adventist principal, who met and started grooming me for sexual re-exploitation at 13, had moved on to other sexually abused children under his care. Another girl he had abused before me had just tried to kill herself while away at an sda boarding academy, and I had just found out about her suicide attempt. I decided to confront the adventist principal, because he told me all along he had never done anything sexual with any other student in all his years of teaching. When I confronted him, he didn't know I was questioning him because I heard about the suicidal girl away at academy. Another older victim had, unbeknownst to me, recently started talking about being SA'd by this principal, so the principal's response to my question was, "Have you been talking to -redacted name-?" As his question sank in, as I realized what his words meant, my mind flashed back on moments I had seen him interact with both of these older girls over the last 4 years. It was like a huge giant swung a massive club down onto my head, in extremely slow motion. I felt the truth enter the top of my skull, and start to sink into and through the many layers of my abusively malformed brain, a millimeter at a time.  

I regained awareness of space and time to discover I was walking through the desert area outside of Pasco city limits. The sun was to my left, hovering around mid-afternoon. Interstate 182 was in early development, then, and the desert area I found myself wandering was littered with sections of giant concrete pipe, waiting to become part of the planned sewer system that today lies under that Interstate. I was numb. My chest was tight, constricted and aching, as it is right now as I type.  I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't think linearly at all. I walked up to one of those huge concrete structures, entered it, and dropped down in the blown sand and grit gathered along the bottom of that pipe. My mind experienced some of the most disjointed and painful veiled glimpses of reality that I had ever gone through. I could not conceive what all had happened. It was far beyond my grasp. The principal of the school I had attended, an adult loved and trusted by everyone in my church, had lied to me. For 4 years, he lied to me. And fucked me. I had trusted his words. My mind kept replaying his silken, comforting whispers, his compassionate reassurances, always followed by him using me in some fashion to get off. My father and pam and the men pam handed me to, the principal had been doing the same thing to me. That was what was always going to happen. That was it, my life. All of it, everything, for that gluey substance that once smelled a bit like ajax to me as a child, when it suffocated and clogged up my throat, or burned bubbling into my nasal passages, or dried on my cheeks and neck and hands and chest and stomach, and the inside of my legs, where it occasionally took on the added smell of pennies because blood dried with it. That was it. That was all. That was everything. 

My shadow tried to crawl away from me along the wall of that concrete cave, as the sun sank toward Rattlesnake Mountain. Orange flaming streaks painted the concrete walls, as wind stirred the dirt on that concrete floor. It was getting colder. I slowly stood up, and my feet and legs surprised me by moving, carrying me out of that cave of horrors. 

I made my way home. No one was there.

Juvenilia

Today, Maron's post on Tiktok has more of his words claiming to be a knowing, concerned ally to women.  If women really knew the harm he purposely causes sexually abused girls, he would not be viewed that way.  

Today he may have been posting as a feminist ally, but yesterday afternoon, he lied to a very young victim of his, a girl in recovery, a girl with BPD from childhood sexualization, a girl with suicidal ideation and a gun.  She is just starting to realize he has used other girls before, has done it many times.  She is starting to see that Maron targeted and groomed her, exploited her childhood sexual trauma, abandoned her when he was done, and ignored her pain-filled posts on his Instagram feed, begging him to hear her, telling him she loved him.  The only reason he reconnected with her was because of my post here on April 26.  He does not want his predatory behavior to come to light.  He has relied on the fact that nobody cares when sexualized children get re-exploited, to continue fucking broken girls in recovery.  Maron did not care about the lifelong pain felt by this damaged girl, pain that is always made much worse everytime he re-exploits these very young girls with BPD.  The suicidal ideation and the gun in this girl's Instagram pics did not matter to Maron.  He ignored her cries for help right there in the comment section of his IG Lives and reels.  

I posted here about Maron, on April 26, because of this damaged girl. Maron was, and still is, scrambling to cover what he did to this girl.  This girl is starting to understand what Maron did to her, and how many other girls he has done this to.  She will be experiencing more crises as Maron keeps lying to her.  This girl needs very real help.  

Maron needs to be called out for behavior that risks the lives of these girls.  He needs to stop making the minds of damaged little girls worse.  He may be seen as an ally to women but he is a predator to sexually abused little girls with mental illness.  He is not an ally to any girl from my group.

Forgotten

 In the late '90's, I often received brochures and newsletters from Amnesty International, a group I respect.  Once in awhile, they would include these small cards, with the words, "Do not be discouraged.  You are not forgotten," written inside in a number of different languages.  There was a space inside that card for supporters to sign, and send back, so those cards might be delivered by Amnesty International to persons being unlawfully detained, harmed, tortured, or experiencing other inhumane treatment.  Each time I signed one of those cards, I would hold it close to my heart, and say a silent prayer that it might reach someone in an awful place, and maybe bring some comfort.

Once, during 3 years with yet another unethical therapist who left me much worse off when they were done with me, I got one of these cards to sign.  In therapy I had been trying to let myself feel some sort of kindness toward the child I had once been.  I carried a lot of hatred and disgust for that child.  I felt like that child was a sick, weak, piece of shit.  I felt that child must have been born bad, and deserved every bad thing she went through.  A father wouldn't hurt a good daughter.  A principal wouldn't fuck a good student.  A church wouldn't blame a good teenager.  Nobody would abandon a good person.  I hated pictures of me as a child.  I hated everything about that child I had been.  So, as I opened the newsletter from Amnesty International, and that little card I could sign fell out, it shocked me when I suddenly realized, I needed to sign that card for the child I once was.  She needed to know she was not forgotten.  She had quietly suffered, for years, all alone.

I signed the card, rolled it up, placed it in a small medicine bag along with a set of tiny homemade rune stones I found and painted, and some little momentos of things that the child I once was had liked.  Beads with insects painted on them, feathers from birds, cat fur, a guitar pin, all things I enjoyed when I was little, during those long years of pain and terror.  

At 57, I no longer despise the child I once was.  I grew up fucked up, but it wasn't her fault.  She did her best.  I was unable to get things right, though, and my failures mean I am still easy prey, still leavable, and those closest to me still have no problem walking the fuck away.  They never tell me why.  Obviously I fucked up everything my whole damn life, no matter how much I tried, and don't deserve the decency afforded to others who try to learn and grow.  But none of this was that child's fault.  She was not to blame.

In trying to communicate with girls like I was, back when I was in my teens and 20's and 30's, girls who went thru hell as children, and are now being re-exploited by Marc Maron, I don't know what to say.  There is nothing I can think of to say to them now, to explain all of this to them.  I try to conjure words I could have taken in when I was their age, concepts that me back then might have been capable of understanding.  Not one goddam thing comes to mind.  I have tried to come up with anything I can think of that might have helped me back then.  Maybe if I could've warned my 25 yr-old self that her newborn was one day going to cut me out completely if she didn't figure out how to do better quicker.  Maybe I could have avoided some of the worst pain I carry now, if I could have reached me 32 years ago.  Then I realize I already knew I was shit, back then.  I was already under daily pressure trying so fucking hard to figure out wtf I was supposed to do, trying so hard to get everything right.  The only attention I got back then came from men like Maron.  Everyone else saw me as shit.  But the men like Maron?  They saw me as shit they could fuck.  Yeah, there is nothing I could have told myself back then.  When sexualized children end up tossed into that cycle of re-exploitation by Maron and predators like him, it isn't the girls who are capable of fixing that mess.  Those damaged girls are not at fault.  The much older, and very aware, predators have to be stopped, to stop this awful cycle.  It isn't the girls who can stop any of it.

I sat down on my couch, today, while realizing the futility of trying to come up with words to reach damaged girls like I was at 16, or 21, or 28, or 33.  My eyes happened to land on the wooden cross above my door, and there was the medicine bag, holding the Amnesty International note that I once signed for the child I had been.   I took the bag down, untied leather strands closed back in '99, took out the small scrolled note, opened it, and touched the signature from over 2 decades ago.  That 33 yr-old who signed that note for the child we once were, does not deserve my anger or hatred or disgust, any more than that child did.  I was fucking trying.  And I was being devoured by wolves, by predators like Marc Maron, while society looked on and blamed me.  

What can I say, to girls Maron and those like him are destroying right now?  Not much.  I can leave these words, in this blog, and hope these girls and others like them run across these words, so they can maybe take some of that blame and self-hatred they carry and place it where it belongs.  And maybe others in this society, in this world, can see the truth about what happens to sexualized children as they grow up.   Maybe this group I belong to can one day be seen as worthy of respect, as deserving of protection from society's wolves.

These pictures below are for every girl who has been victimized by Marc Maron.  You are not forgotten.

And maybe it's time for me to look at that note, and tell 33 yr-old me she is not forgotten, either.

Story behind the wooden cross:  Cross

Repost Reminder

 Reposting a reminder.  My reason for posting these is the same reason it has been since April 26, 2023.  That will not change.  When Mr. Maron is no longer choosing to be a predator toward young girls with mental health issues caused by child sexualization and abuse, these blog posts will stop.  Until then, I will not stop speaking out.

SATURDAY, APRIL 29, 2023

Please Don't Forget

 Anyone reading this blog, please, don't ever let yourself forget why I am posting these. There is a very young broken victim of Marc Maron's who has many posts about suicidal ideation, and a post with a gun in her possession. Mr. Maron has finally, within the last few hours, made it so I can no longer tag him on Twitter. He is very aware of what I am doing. He won't call authorities, because he can't risk what they might find. He wants to ignore these posts. That's how little he cares for the life of a broken girl he used. He is not going to address any of this.  

In one of my first emails to wtfpod, I told him he was gonna find out just how relentless a girl with "daddy issues" can be. I will never stop thinking about the bitten nails in their photos. I will never ignore the broken girl with a gun.

Judy S. Lentz at 1:37 AM

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Grown up

Marc Maron's words from today's WTF bonus episode, speaking on the immaturity of those in their 20's, how rewatching Dog Day Afternoon as a 59 yr-old was so different:

"You gotta watch things as a grown up."

"There's no way, when you're 20 or whatever...You just have to watch things as a grown up... Your emotional spectrum has expanded to a point that it's fully formed."

Those teen girls Maron grooms, those sexualized girls twenty or thirty or forty years younger than himself that he draws in and "bonds" with and sponsors, those damaged little girls he tells lies to for sexual gratification, are NOT fully grown self-possessed women.  They are not aware how many of them he is exploiting at the same time.   They are not aware of how much worse he will leave them.  They are not aware of any of this.  And he damn well knows it.

Rape is an integral part of conquering citizens in war.  A strategic weapon in every hostile takeover.  Always has been.  Sexual assault is a specific kind of crime that destroys a person's sense of self, in a way no other assault or crime can do.  It obliterates the victim's ability to safely interact with anyone around them.  It can break well-adjusted adults who have experienced a decent start in life.  When a child experiences sexual assault/exploitation, their fundamental sense of self is destroyed.  Child sexualization does not make a child into a mature person who "knows what is up."  It specifically has the opposite effect.  Predator males in a patriarchy know this, which is why old men perpetrate such re-exploitation of those very sexually abused girls.

The things that others could do to me, say about me, convince me were normal, when I was 13, or 23, or 33, were horrendously damaging to me.  I knew nothing else.  I never had a chance to learn or experience anything else.  I did not start developing any sort of agency at all, until I was in my 40's and a member of SLAA took the time to speak the truth for me.  That was how old I had to be, to finally start to fully form the idea that everything I had experienced in my daily interactions with the much older men who lied to me so they could re-exploit me, was NOT the way I should ever be treated.  

Childhood sexualization does NOT make a child more mature.  It does the opposite. 

The number of times Mr. Maron speaks of how immature and undeveloped he was in his 20's and 30's, is easily verifiable, by his own words.  Countless times he has spoken of this.  The truth about how unknowing and undeveloped and immature humans are who are much younger than he is now.  He speaks of this truth continuously.   Whenever he tries to place blame on the stunted little damaged girls he lies to and leaves even more damaged, with even worse symptoms of mental illnesses like BPD, his own fucking words about these age groups he grooms and fucks makes it clear he knows his words excusing his predatory behavior are full of shit.  He has NO business sponsoring or befriending any young female victims of CSA.  It is not normal or healthy for any of the little damaged girls he preys on to be interacting with him at all.  They are not fully formed grown ups.  What he does to them makes them worse off, leaves them less able to ever get better.  The fact that adults around him, even other members of AA, allow him to say and do these things to mentally damaged, emotionally malformed little girls, girls already starting life with horrible strikes against them, is complicitly allowing these vulnerable naive damaged girls to be further harmed.

SLAA

Marc Maron knows 12-step.   He has used AA to re-exploit young girls entering recovery.  He has been publicly targeting teen girls who were sexually abused as children and have a specific mental illness.  He, at least once, indecently exposed his genitals on the set of a show he worked on last summer. He is a sexual predator who endangers young CSA victims who have BPD.  He is not going to overcome his predatory behavior if he does not work a program of some kind.  

He needs to work out his sexual issues in a closed, men-only SLAA group, and/or with a therapist.  The last place he needs to work out these issues is from the stage, or in mixed 12-step meetings, both places where he has been grooming broken girls for the last 3 decades.   He himself has claimed he "cannot say no to these lunatic" damaged girls he grooms, fucks, and leaves much worse off.  And flashers never get better by talking about their sexual abusiveness to crowds they are used to grooming.  He will continue receiving pictures from his growing fanbase of underage girls, he will continue leaving very young girls with BPD suicidal after he is done with them, even when he knows they have access to guns and are publicly begging him not to rip them mentally to shreds by abandoning them.  He will not stop being a predator until he has to face the truth and works the program.  That is the truth.  He knows it.  Every honest person in SLAA knows it.  Every decent parent with a cis female child who has been molested and is exhibiting signs of BPD knows it, every Intimacy Coordinator in the entertainment industry knows it. 

If he continues to manipulate everything and everyone around him to let him keep flashing girls and destroying young damaged minds, he is behaving as a narcissistic predator, and everyone allowing this to happen is enabling that predator to endanger mentally ill victims of child sexual abuse.

Not like his trauma

 So, Maron is apparently a generational philanderer.  His childhood trauma is something he has talked about for many years.  It is something I can understand, how trauma follows us as adults.  Maron has referred to his mother as still a child when she had him.  He has referred to himself as still a child all throughout his 20's,  how he knew nothing back then.  Yet to this day, Maron refers to the broken girls with BPD that he has been fucking, most recently since August of 2020, as "women."  They are horribly damaged immature children.  More children than his own mother was at their ages.

Maron has every right to speak of his childhood trauma.  He is correct, that his mother was still not a full grown women when she had him.  But it is time Maron stopped trying to excuse his 30+ years of preying on mentally ill teens as a result of his own trauma.  That's horseshit. My stepmother was put in a psych ward when she tried to tell adults about her childhood sexual abuse.  This gave her no right to traffic me.  Same with my father, the sda principal, and every therapist who later re-exploited me.  Sexually abused little children are not less important than others who experience childhood trauma, their abuse was NOT done to form those girls into fuck-toys for old men predators.

Quit trying to excuse your sexual re-exploitation of sexually abused girls with BPD, Maron.  You are a predator.   Stop covering for yourself. Be honest about fucking mentally ill children you groom to fuck as soon as they hit 18.  Stop hiding.  Stop rationalizing the damage you do to broken girls, how you leave them even more damaged and suicidal.  The damaged girls you are fucking this moment are simply fuckable leavable lunatics whose trauma does not matter to you.   Not like your trauma matters.

Is this a new leaf?

 A person online shared their impressions about Marc Maron's newest material, after seeing him perform in LA recently. The person made it sound like Maron is exploring past pain.  Maron himself has alluded to something like this, in a recent intro.  I do not personally know the person who posted about Maron's new stuff, but they came across as a new fan of Maron's, and concluded by saying they just wanted to hug Maron and "make it all better for him."  When spoken by a young person who has just been listening to a longtime grooming predator,  those words are a red flag.

The sda principal often spoke about the pain in his life.  He had experienced pain.  The awful loss of an immediate family member when he was young, killed by a drunk driver.  He had also gone thru a lot of pain because of his father's philandering.  Once, while speaking to the church youth sabbath school class back in the 80's, he got emotional as he spoke of how it confused and hurt him, to hear his father tell him how a good man should treat his wife, all said while his father was cheating on his mother.  Tears were in that principal's eyes as he told us about this, and the rest of the youth group seemed to be taking his words to heart.  The words he was saying, his tears, combined with what he had been doing to me just the night before, was too incongruous for 15 yr-old me.  I left the youth room, walked the half mile to the river, and smoked a few cigarettes, trying to figure out all I was feeling.  I kept remembering a time when my father was sitting on the couch, telling my mom and 6 yr-old sister that he was going away for the weekend to spend time praying, asking god to make him be a good husband and father.  My mom had recently accused him of sleeping with pam again, and a big fight had ensued.  When my father had stomped out, I was sent after him, to ride in his truck as a sort of chaperone, to keep him from cheating.  He drove to pam's, where she begged him to leave my mom for good.  He promised to spend the weekend with her instead of his family, and said he would drive me home and be back in an hour or so to take her away, camping.  Twenty minutes later, I watched my mom and little sister believe the silver charade his tongue wove for them, as I stood against the dining room wall trying to make sense of a world where everyone was either lying to those who trusted them, or believing those who always told them lies.

Did Maron experience trauma in his earlier life?  Hell yeah.  So did my father.  So did the sda principal.  So did everyone who has ever been born.  What we do with that trauma as we grow, that's what counts.

Is Maron gonna quit grooming and fucking damaged girls, some now young enough to be his granddaughters?  I can tell you exactly what to look for, to find your answer.  Will he continue making it clear onstage that he does not love his current gf, but he may be ready to finally accept love somewhere, someday, with somebody?  He has been grooming little damaged girls online with exactly that hope, the hope that he might be ready to "accept love." That is a phrase those broken girls he grooms will grab onto like a lifeline, and he knows it well.  The girl in recovery, and also the girl with the gun, clung to this line of his, and begged him to get back in touch with them, to please stop ghosting them, that they really did love him.  Publicly.  On his Instagram Lives and posts, in their Instagram Stories, in desperate responses everyone ignored.  Little damaged girls, so broken they think what he is doing to them is love.  Do you know what is one of the worst things an abused girl with BPD can face?  Abandonment.  That's a hallmark of BPD.  Each of these 2 girls, in starting to have to face how Maron had purposely sexually exploited their damaged minds and was now done with them, was driven into the very crisis such exploitation causes broken young girls to experience.  If Maron was 25, doing this unintentionally for the first time, not yet knowing the outcome for such girls when abandonment after exploitation happens, that would be a bit different. This is a 59 yr-old man, who knows full well how these girls react, because he has made fun of these damaged girls for these very reactions, onstage, for decades.  Laughed at them for "glomming" on to him, and being obsessed, for being lunatics he just can't say no to, for trying to control him. Those are his own words, describing these girls when he is done using them, after he has groomed them to reach out for him.  After he is done re-exploiting them.  They simply can't handle him being yet another old man who fucks and then leaves them.  Finding out how he conned and lied to them is so fucking damaging.  Sad, too, because that is an awful trauma he causes them to experience, and they don't get to let that trauma out anywhere, much less on some public stage, because they will be blamed for what he did to them. What he.  Did to them.

Last year, while he was touring, on at least two different occasions, young girls who went to different Maron shows said one of his "fake" instagram accounts sent them a dm as they were leaving his show, asking them to meet him around back, or at his hotel lobby.  One girl posted about it on Maron's Instagram, acting giggly.  The other girl, after the show she saw, posted on his Instagram that she was disturbed by that dm.

Maron has been grooming teen girls for 30+ years.  He has desensitized and normalized this grooming behavior for everyone around him, and has done it so well, he is now being spoonfed to children.  Do I think he has changed at all?  Well, whatever trauma he is processing onstage right now, it left one of his young new fans feeling like she could help him feel better.  That is what his grooming has always been meant to do.  So, it doesn’t sound to me like he has changed at all.  

When Marc Maron's fans start leaving his shows talking about how Maron says he is done hurting young girls, he is sorry for ruining the lives of damaged young BPD sufferers, he never wants to re-exploit another sexually exploited child again, and he is no longer going to be 13-stepping young girls in recovery, then maybe I will think he has grown and changed. Until he stops being a grooming predator, though, I am not interested in playing make believe.

Time plus behavior equals truth.