Awareness

 I appreciate being told I am doing something wrong by posting these words about child sexual exploitation and re-exploitation.   But I already know very well I am never supposed to speak of this subject.  It was probably the lesson most deeply embedded in me, on a couch, when I was five, and my Barney died because I said words I was not supposed to say.  (A Thousand Words.)  It is that moment my mind feels, every time I have hit "publish" or "post" or "share" or "tweet," these last eleven days.  

I am sorry that my words here cause unpleasant emotions for others.  I know I am forgetting my place.  I understand it is wrong for me to not just "get over it."  I  have gone to many people, educated and paid to help those who have experienced trauma.  I wish I didn't cause them to re-exploit me.  I did finally figure out how to keep that from happening.   No person in the mental health field will ever be "endangered" by me again.

I guess it is a mental defect that I can't just put out of my mind the current victims I am aware of.  I know it is not at all "normal" for me to not just "get over" things that I guess are easy for others to get over. I have to accept my mind is too weak to blot that shit out.  I mentioned one of those things I can't forget, in an email to Mr. Maron:

"Sep 23, 2022, 1:28 PM

There is a very good chance the photos and 8mm movies taken by my stepmom in the 70's are shared online between pedophiles to this day. Old child porn is highly prized and sought after by chomos. There is nothing I can do about that but live with the infinitely painful knowledge of what is out there. I have learned to live with a kind of hell you can never conceive of, all because grown ass men like you think young girls are 'asking for it.'" 

Protection

Tiktok removed my ability to tag NAMI.   I can still tag users posting about racist or misogynistic subjects, things like that.

Guess that platform can protect its users from subjects deemed harmful.  I was unaware. Comforting to know.

Edited to add that I completely understand any individual who opts out of being tagged in posts about this subject matter.   It is not a pleasant or accepted matter to discuss.   But NAMI has specifically asked me to share their contact information with any potential victims.

Crisis help

 

Ignorance

 Ignorance

Apr 18, 2023, 7:06 PM

Just claim ignorance, maron. Just say you had no idea how it redamaged sexually exploited young girls, for you to be misusing girls whose issues were way more self-destructive for those girls than any man ever said, every time you heard how so many men in this patriarchy have been pressuring and lying to each other and younger males, over the 59 years you've been alive. Say that it is only within the past year you have started to understand how sexualization and objectification leaves broken children with no agency. Say you are only starting to understand how your past words and behaviors were harming already terribly harmed girls, whose lives are being stolen from them by the patriarchal bullshit in this country. Then, say because you now know better, you are gonna do better. Be open about how you will start to catch yourself posting or saying words that will draw in young girls, and you stop yourself from doing it, because now you understand that is grooming. Be an example for those men who look up to you. Speak out about what men who target broken girls are really doing, and how men need to stop that behavior. Speak up against the systemic patriarchal behavior you have ignorantly been taking part in. Tell your audience to encourage girls to be more than our society markets to them as toddlers, sells to them by sexualizing little girls with dolls and clothes that started being blatantly sexual, as feminism started to open up the world for women in the 60's and 70's, like that one woman was explaining in Brooke's documentary. Be a leader for a cause that no one ever does a goddam thing about. Seriously, Maron, what better person than you to speak out about this, what better place than your platform that you can bring redemption to by using that platform for good instead of re-exploitation, what better fuckin time than now?

God fucking damn it, this hurts so bad. I'm no honorable person who can do anything for my group. I can't do a goddam thing. Nothing. 

You, if you faced all of this in honesty and a true desire to cause no more harm, could make a real fucking difference. Get Bradley Whitford and Brooke Sheilds.  Include the women who spoke with true mature understanding about all of this in Brooke's documentary, not those brainwashed broken little girls who still have no agency and simply parrot what predatory men manipulate them to say, but mature knowledgeable women who commented throughout that documentary, women old enough, stable enough, to speak with agency and understanding.  

Jesus, what a dumbass I am, thinking anything I just wrote will do anything that could reach your heart. Nothin I've ever written anywhere, ever, is ever gonna stop the destruction of the group I belong to. Not goddam one thing.

Religion of patriarchy

 Apr 13, 2023, 6:39 AM

My fucked up reading skillz are one of my biggest deficits. Nah, I'm not talkin about literacy. I never remember not being able to read. The first time I read To Kill a Mockingbird, I loved the description of Scout as being a child who was "born reading." I could identify.  A (redacted name of a childhood friend) liked to switch up and create his own rules for Monopoly, a game way beyond any of our grasps at 4 or 5. We played it as if it was an extended form of Candyland. This friend would tell us how to play, and the rest of us never argued, even though my friend's rules were subject to illogical changes mid-play, and somehow those rules always set my friend up with the win. Once, as he tried to explain why he did not have to "Go directly to jail," as directed by the card lifted off the community chest pile, I said he was wrong. He asked why. I pointed to the underside of the lid and read the part about chance cards. The others all looked at me like I was possessed. I was 5. They didn't know a kid our ages who could read a full sentence of game rules. I didn't know that other kids my age could not always interpret words with 4 or more letters. Weird moment. Embarrassing for me. Yet another time eyes on me made it clear I was not doing what was expected. I hate public reading to this day. I did have one very sweet old Ukrainian lady, Auntie Pearl, who babysat me from 2 months of age until we moved away from there when I was 5. I spent most of that time in splints and casts, and didn't take my first steps until well after I was 2, so Auntie Pearl read to me a lot. Guess as I followed along with how the marks on the page went with her voice, I just figured that shit out. It wasn't like I had the mobility to use my brain in normal baby/toddler shit. It would have been nice if I could have learned how to read social cues even half as well as I figured out written language. My limited social cue vocabulary sucks. It's a form of illiteracy that is about as crippling as actual illiteracy. 

From the moment your talk with (redacted name), I could hear in your tone the chemistry between you two. It frustrates the shit out of me when I hear you sharing this obvious chemistry with a person born within 10 years of your bday. You are quite capable of experiencing attraction and chemistry with women who are actually your goddam peers. Why, in the name of all that is legit non-harmful, can't you simply choose to engage with those women? Your full ability to interact as equals, to have no predator/prey vibes while still experiencing enjoyment, makes your predatory behavior that much more cruel a choice on your part.  

Your tone after a comment regarding the age/biological usage of female genitals was very telling. You fell, long ago, for that singular myth that drives almost everything behind the sexual abuse of children. Men who rape a 2 month old are, quite simply, taking that specific tenet of the religion of patriarchy, to its logical conclusion. I was going to educate your ass on the realities of that specific myth. I started to, in a couple of emails here. There are probably 20-some unfinished emails in my "drafts" folder, about this one horribly flawed false belief held by the patriarchal faithful. It is such a sad tenet, for 2 reasons. First, it is false. So few people really understand this, including medical professionals. Second, sex starts in the mind, the most important organ of all. Implant a myth, this biggest myth within patriarchy, that "age equates to sensation." and you have the "messianic" message of a religion causing its fanatical congregants to rape younger and younger children. The myth has no basis in truth. But once implanted, it is that very thought itself that drives the faithful, not reality. The thought of having a "younger" pussy is enough to get your motor started. Sex with her would thrill you. Because of one thought. Nothing else. That's it. Hmmm. Amazing, how well the whole patriarchy-as-religion metaphor holds up. It really is a fucking religion. And children are sacrificed to it every goddam day. I cannot yet find a way to finish and send more of those drafts I started for you, regarding this particular subject, simply because I have not yet found a way to word them so I know you aren't gonna be gettin hard as you read them. The idea of my words causing your blood flow to redirect itself southward, makes me want to write stories about testicular ruptures and traumatic penile amputation. Anyway...

 EVERY broken girl you prey on is going to be horribly harmed by you. ALWAYS.  They will suffer lifelong repercussions because of you.  I wish that you would attend SLAA, learn how to help current victims best move forward, and when the inevitable end arrives, they go forward with the least amount of further damage possible, and you move forward with a desire to enjoy hook ups with females like Lynn, peers you have chemistry with, not broken children you prey on, re-exploit, and ruin.

It is nice to know you are capable of chemistry with female peers. It is sad that a myth drives your mind to endanger every fucking female child you are near, because you would be salivating to fuck them at 18, or 16, or younger, and younger, if you had them anywhere where you could fuck them without risking your own rape in prison. Kinda funny, huh? How you know damn well you don't want your life destroyed by some older men manipulating everything around you from birth forward, just to fuck your tight hole. Am I right?

Later

Too strident?

 I know it's supposed to be honey, not vinegar.  What can I say?  I didn't want to be the one doing this.  I really tried hard to find another person/group to take over.  I tried even harder to reach Marc Maron, because it was the shock of his hidden/public behavior that was the final straw.  I am not Colin Kaepernick.  I wish I had that grace. I know I'm not doing this correctly.  I have tried so hard to learn whatever it was I was supposed to be doing, to get things right.  

For over 5 decades I have witnessed and experienced the nightmare of how sexualized children are forced to experience life.  I don't know how to make myself find a "good" or "right" way to say any of this shit.  But I'm not shutting up anymore.   I wish somebody else had been around to take over this last 8 months for me.  I sure as shit wish others would grab these reins now.

I can't get their bitten nails, their baby faces, their sad words so misdefining love, out of my mind.

A fucking shot

This is a slightly redacted paragraph from an email I sent to Mr. Maron in March.  It was regarding a 13 yr-old kidnapping victim who was found alive.  A 34 yr-old man buddied up to her online (easy as shit to do now days.  It would've been surprising to me to discover anyone even noticed this adult grooming that child in the first place), got her pm'ing, had no problem convincing her he was a nice guy, then met her and got her in his vehicle.  He took her to another state, sexually assaulted her multiple times, then locked her up.  She was rescued.  If she does happen to receive decent, compassionate help over the next few years, she may end up becoming one of the lucky few.  Statistically, the odds aren't in her favor. 

My ability to find hope that Mr. Maron had started to change how he feels girls assaulted like this can be treated by older men, had about reached its limit by March.  My cynicism is apparent in my tone.  (I should mention here that part of me is telling myself it is "bad" of me to express my anger in this way.  The rest of me?  It's sayin, "Oh well.")

"Mar 14, 2023, 5:00 AM"

Yeah, there is a current example of a child being horribly harmed, bcuz of an online predator grooming that child. The child was found. Rescued. Now, she will go thru decades of quite probably being re-exploited by therapists, doctors, teachers, interviewers, etc, and she will be blamed for all of it. So, do us (broken girls) all a favor, and do not reach out to "help" this child "resolve" her issues, okay? Do not "trauma bond" with this child. She did not suddenly gain "agency," while being sexually assaulted repeatedly. She did not suddenly gain adult wisdom, and now knows exactly what old men predators are going to want to do to her.  She does not know at all what she is in for . She is NOT "asking for it."  Do not say you "can't say no" to this "lunatic" child, and leave her mind further warped and malformed when you are done with her, okay?  Give her a fucking shot.

Bono, my favorite preacher

 For a little poet with a broken heart, and a gun. I hope you live long enough to have more to write about than pain.  

Stay safe tonight

A Break

 This is me, just trying to decompress.  The last 7 days have been stressful in new ways for me.  Prolly not supposed to admit that.  But the last post made me have to re-feel the stress of wondering if I would have to know a girl had killed herself because of a comedian, and I hadn't done enough to keep it from happening.

I didn't want any of these last 8 months.  I tried to pass it off to others, those who have more tools.  I don't think those others could understand like I do.  Or maybe my written communication skills have dropped over this past 8 months.  Tonight I am exhausted.  But I can't sleep.  

I swear to god, if anyone tries to tell me I am doing this for any fucking selfish reasons, I'm gonna wish I could take everything I am feeling at this moment,  and have felt this last 8 months, and just drop that shit right into their heads.

The worst part is knowing damn well nothin is gonna come outta this.  Nothin.  Goddammit, this pain being shoved onto these damaged young lives by maron and other predators is so fuckin wrong.  But he'll just keep smiling, reading a book about turkeys to children in a video shown in our public school system.  In a couple years, some of the kids who saw that video last Thanksgiving may very well be in a crisis like I just described in my last post, brought on by the very man their school first introduced them to.  And those suicidal kids will be blamed.

Can't we do better than this, for the kids being abused this second?  A 59 yr old man cannot be less to blame than the girl with the AMT Backup.  She was only 12 or so when maron taped that turkey story.  How can she, how can any damaged child, be more to blame than a 59 yr-old man who's been doing this for decades?

I don't understand. 

October crisis emails

Excerpts from some of the emails regarding the girl in recovery who went through an escalating crisis last Oct.

Oct 26, 2022, 11:36 AM

I have no idea how many broken girls you are juggling right now. When one of your victims is truly reaching a crisis point, and you are aware, the only single thing you can do is call 911 for that girl right away. I know this could have consequences in your life. It is the only real help you can give.  

This is where your behavior will always take these girls. Always.  

You may not care. Girls have been here before because of you and you have continued risking more girls.

Goddam, maron. I do not want to know, in real time, any of this shit.

__________

Oct 26, 2022, 5:25 PM

I have no idea why the hell my life went this direction 2 months ago. (Feels more like 2 years, today) But whatever it is I am doing, I need to remember the difference between what I may want, and what I can control.

I can't control any single moment where you choose to harm broken girls. I can't control if any of your victims commit suicide. Whatever happens, you have been making these choices for 30+ years. My heart hurts for the broken one I knew of today. She disappeared. Either you have recontacted her, or she got help, or she is freaking out, or she could even be gone. If you contacted her because of my email, I may have made it so next time she goes through an even worse crisis. If so, this is now way worse. You can never help her, except by dialing 911. You can only harm her. You sentenced her to hell the day you first preyed on her. There is NOTHING you can do to help her, or any other young exploited girl, except to leave them the hell alone.

I hate to admit this, but you may not care at all that some girl you preyed on is suicidal. You have done this to girls before. 

I hate today.

I may have to know when one of your victims kills herself. I never realized that could be part of this goddam rabbit hole. I have no control over anything, outside of what I choose to type here.

__________

Oct 26, 2022, 9:44 PM

That girl is back... I am not reading anymore there tonight. Tired of seeing your damage. 

__________

Oct 27, 2022, 5:24 AM

 You are an expert at preying on sexually exploited girls. You have been doing it 30+ years.

There is a lot you needlessly beat yourself up for. Maybe trying to avoid the one thing you know is wrong? Fix that one thing. You know how. You could become more comfortable in your own mind.

...said that while fucking her, you joked that she was your meeting, and you would have to attend that meeting again. I can't see you joking about meetings, but 2 months ago, I couldn't imagine you pledging love and shit to broken girls, either. Doing that to their minds and emotions was once too heartless for me to imagine you doing. You destroy their ability to ever recognize real love for the rest of their lives. You leave them a shell. Just like me. Nothing you feel for them is love. 

_________

Oct 30, 2022, 4:16 AM

It was disappointing to realize that you purposely use meetings to prey on broken girls. "Redacted name's" words to you on Wed were embarrassing for me to have to witness. They showed how warped you know these girls are, how broken, immature, and emotionally stunted they are. At meetings, where those broken girls most need to be protected from predators like you, your age and celebrity and "wisdom", (boy, we both know how full of shit that word is, when describing what those broken girls are being taught as they are drawn in by your grooming, don't we, maron...) make it easier to prey on the victim of your choice.  

Too rough? Ask me if I care.

___________

Oct 31, 2022, 8:08 AM

These interactions are not a partnership or healthy. She has been broken much more now. Her next stop in life is going to be even worse. That is the horribly twisted definition of "love" she will carry for years, decades, maybe life. Nothing about the twisted sick exploitive thing you did to her is love, but the next old predadator who approaches her will be radiating predatory "vibes" that she is going to think is love. So fucking sad. When you are done with her, you will say that you had warned her that you were unable to accept love, it's her fault for everything. So, your victim will be devastated, thinking they did not show enough "love" to you so you left, and when the next predator spots that broken victim, that re-exploited victim will be desperately trying even harder to show that predator even more of your perverted definition of "love" that you taught them, in the hopes that the latest predator will not leave them. Can you follow all of that, maron? Really understand it? Real love can, by the defining characteristics of real love, never be present in any predatory relationship you have ever had. 

Lynn was a fully grown, mature stable peer. Not an obviously damaged girl whose potential healing and potential future adult experiences you are exploitively stealing.

I hope, whatever you decide about "redacted name," you will get advice from SLAA members first.

I hope you will finally stop the tears and pain and ruined lives you have left behind you, with every broken girl you have re-exploited. 

__________

Nov 1, 2022, 4:45 AM

A fucking book I've written in your inbox.  Time plus behavior. Gonna wait and really see some truth. Gotta say, maron, I will damn sure speak up next time one of your victims is saying she wants to die. If you can't care about your life enough to mind your mind, why the fuck should I care about your life more than the life of these damaged girls you destroy?