Inconvenient Truth

 In July of 2002, a horrendous crime took place.  I was deeply affected by what happened.  I am going to copy the words I shared with Mr. Maron about this crime below this picture.  There will be more pictures of Samantha Runnion at the end of this post.  

Please be warned, the following is harsh, and will be triggering.  

______________

"Cosplay

Mar 17, 2023, 7:10 AM

So, ready to explore another imagined scenario? Why do I hear your voice saying, "Cunt, shut the fuck up, you raging bitch, and leave me alone!" Close to the truth? Prolly.

So, what I am gettin ready to do, is not technically cosplay. Oh well, sue me for poor choice in subject lines. I am gonna set up a scene, gently lower 5 yr old you into it, and see where it goes.

All following imaginings have zero connection to any single person in your life or family. Please do not think I am inferring anything regarding any of them. This is just me, trying to explain something in a way you might be able to really feel.

Buckle up? Or not. Makes me no nevermind. (Put a pin in this last sentence. It will come up later.)

I have heard you talk of dogs you experienced as a child. I have not heard you discuss any cats you interacted with early in life. So, please take how you feel about your cats now, spread that deck-of-cards-worth of emotionally ranged feelings cats can evoke in their adult coexistors, and pick out the cards representing how children tend to feel about their pets. Throw the other cards off to the side, and lay out the ones you picked, tarot-reading style. Focus on these feelings children experience for their beloved animals. 

Imagine a day when you were around five. Imagine the house where you lived. See the way your bedroom ceiling looked at night, what shadows you saw before drifting off. Imagine going outside, looking down in the grass or dirt, and seeing a toy you once played with, how it looked whenever you found it laying beside a tree trunk or under a rosebush. A cap-gun or a tonka truck, a magnetic gyro wheel, or maybe a wooden beagle on a leash, legs moving independently as you pulled it along. You back there?

Turn around and see Buster, as a kitten, approaching little you. He responds to little you differently. He comes up and rubs his tickly whiskers and cheek fur against your kneecap, as you look around your yard. You reach down and wrap your arms around his belly, picking him up in that way cats only tolerate from human children. His face and concurrently his hind end dangle degradingly, on either side of his hoisted and squeezed arm-encircled belly, bouncing along as little you heads toward the faucet on the side of the house. You set Buster down, he flops it, while you struggle to turn the awkward handle. A trickle comes out of the spout. You curl your hands into a cup, barely noticing the smeared dirt and kid sweat and cat hair in the creases of your palms. The water is cold. Tastes like pennies. You get more, and offer it to Buster. He sniffs it, then goes back to licking his paw. You stand up, forget to turn off the handle, and walk around the house. Buster gets up in time to dash through the open screen door past your legs, as you head inside. You sit on the couch as the sun goes down. You hear Buster crunching cat chow. Gilligan's Island comes on. Things get fuzzy. You must've slept a little, because you realize someone is standing over you and you didn't see her walk through the door and up to you. A woman you know. She comes over when your father is home and your mom isn't. She looks mad. She has brown eyes that turn black when she is mad. You scramble back and up, until you are sitting as close to the arm of the couch as you can get. The woman sits next to you. She never moves her angry eyes away from your face. You are in trouble. What did you do wrong? Think. If you can think of it fast enough, maybe her eyes will go back brown. What did you do? What did you do?  

Your father walks over. You finally make your eyes stop looking at the woman's angry eyes. You see your father is carrying Buster. Your face and stomach go really cold. What did you let Buster do? Your kitten has scared eyes. The woman is talking. You can't stop looking at Buster's eyes. The woman says you told your mom about this woman coming over. Did you? When did you do that? Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done that.

Your father squats down in front of you. Puts Buster in your lap, holding Buster's paws tightly between his whitening fingers of his hands, that have curled up, almost into fists. Buster starts to make yowly noises. You reach out to try and grab him out of the big hands. The woman flashes her hands over yours, forces your hands down onto Buster's fur. His neck. You feel hard lumps and string-type things under his skin. The string things feel like they are getting tighter. Buster tries to lift his head up. He is reaching. He wants away. His eyes are scared. Your chest is burning. You try to pull your hands out from under the woman's hands. You have to hit her. You have to help Buster. Your hands are gone. You still see them. Under the woman's hands, her knuckles going white, around Buster's neck. You see them, your hands. But they must have fell off. You can't feel them. You can't feel them. Why can't you feel them? Move them. Buster. Move your hands. Hit the woman's arms. Help Buster. Help Buster. His eyes are sticking out, are growing bubbles. They are going to pop. Help him. Buster. Make your hands move. Buster. I'm sorry I told my mom. I'm sorry, Buster. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. Buster.

______________

Mar 17, 2023, 8:32 AM

If you think that last email must've been hard for me, you are right. I will be unable to eat anything today. My face is wet, from tears I do not remember crying. In trying to place you into that moment, I was taken back to that moment. The worst fucking moment of my whole fucking life. I just forced the vestiges of my 5-yr-old mind that still reside in my brain, to re-experience that fucking moment. All to make a point. Saddest part, I am doing this for a man who does not give one single shit about me now, the child I was when my Buster-look-alike kitten Barney was killed, or any girl who has, in her own set of fucked up experiences, been sexualized and objectified and silenced and turned into a girl who will always be re-exploited, over and over, by men who choose to act like you.  

So, fuck you for not caring, maron. You think that bothers me? You think I give a shit if you care or not? I have lived a lifetime of being re-exploited by men just like you. I don't give a duck fuck what you think about me, motherfucker.

Remember the sentence in the last email, where I asked you to put a pin in it? Well, unpin that sentence and insert it here:

"Buckle up? Or not. Makes me no nevermind. (Put a pin in this last sentence. It will come up later.)"

That quote is a lie. As is this paragraph I just wrote: "So, fuck you for not caring, maron. You think that bothers me? You think I give a shit if you care or not? I have lived a lifetime of being re-exploited by men just like you. I don't give a duck fuck what you think about me, motherfucker."

Those are lies. Every single goddam time I have brushed off and walked away from, the pain I have been caused by every man (and woman, to a lesser degree), who has re-exploited me, I am surrounding myself in a wall. A big thick, solid as fuck, wall. Most of the time, that wall lets me believe I have always known how bad men are, lets me believe it never surprises me to hear about 13 yr olds being rescued from a locked shed in NC after being abducted by a predator who met that girl online at places and posts just like your very tiktok and instagram, or little children like Samantha Runnion, who are abducted and used and thrown away like so much trash. This fucking wall keeps me from having to feel what lies buried inside and under that wall. You know what that shit under there is, maron? It is the pain I feel, because I understand intimately what that 13-yr-old went through, because I wish I could stop her abductor in a manner that would keep children safe from him forever, because the story of "Mantha Ray Runnion," wrecked me when it happened, and the worst thing I felt was something I could not admit, because it would be so misunderstood: I knew Samantha Runnion was actually lucky. She died. She was spared the hell of "trauma bonding" with some old man when she was 13, or 16, or 18, or 22, or even fifty-fucking-three, an old man who acted like he cared, who knew exactly how much she had been hurt, who she told herself she did not trust, but who, in the secret places in her heart, truly wanted to finally be the man who was not just using her like her abductor was. This man KNOWS what she has been through. He was drawn to her because he knew her deepest pain. There is no way this man would ever just use her body, and later make jokes about how her pain has messed her up. It was her pain that drew him to her. He wouldn't do that just to get off. He has to know how badly it would hurt me to find out he was just misusing me. If I do everything right for him, he will not leave me. He will care for me so much, we can both learn about love. He knows my pain. He won't hurt me. We will help each other. He won't use me in jokes. He knows my pain. Only a bad man would hurt me again. He is decent. This man will be the time I do not end up being hurt. This man will make all my abduction/rape disappear. He will be a man that will never hurt me. My pain will finally go away.

In every one of my emails, describing how I watched other broken girls suffering because of being re-exploited, I made it sound like I was never one of those gullible girls. Even the mf'ers using me for decades never knew that inside my walls, way in a dark corner, was a tiny belief that maybe this person will care enough not to further destroy me. Every time I was re-exploited, the wall got thicker. It was only at that SAA meeting in my 40's, where that truth-speaking woman slammed me with truth, did I finally begin to understand any of this shit. In my teens and 20's and 30's, I said whatever the fuck I knew men wanted me to say, expected me to say. Did what the fuck they wanted. I said I was mature, grown up, grinned about my sluttiness with them, degraded myself. Why? Why did I do this?

Because since that moment my mind started scrambling desperately to find the right combination of words and promises that would make pam and my father happy, would let my Barney stop struggling and not be killed, let the bad stuff stop because I had finally discovered what it was I was supposed to say and do to keep my father and pam happy, so that they would not hurt my kitten. Not hurt me. Since that very fucking moment, I have still been scrambling to get the right combination of words together, to say the right thing, to try and stop the pain people choose to cause others. I am still, behind that wall inside, a child who believes I am the one that made Barney have to die, and it was my failure to say the right words, that made my father and pam keep choosing to fuck children, take pictures of children, make a child's pet die.

I really want you to be a human who simply didn't understand the damage you were doing. See, and if that is true, then maybe I can find the right combination of words to help you decide to no longer re-exploit exploited girls. Fucked up, huh? So, the facade of me, outside my miles-thick wall, says, "makes me no nevermind," "I don't give a duck fuck," and every other way I try to deny me feeling any pain, I am desperately trying to deny that behind the wall in my mind, a little girl is forever frozen in a moment, desperately trying to say the right words, so her Barney won't die.

If you can smile and keep re-exploiting girls after that, then you fucking deserve whatever comes your way. Me, outside the wall, I will not care. But inside of me, to that little girl, you are yet another human who will not stop causing pain to happen in this world. You would help pam and her father finish Barney off.

And I am done for now. Heading out. If this isn't edited correctly, fuck you.

(Yep, some more of that denial of the fact that it does hurt, somewhere in me, that you do not give a fuck for me, or any other broken girl. Make you feel powerful and badass to be breaking broken children over and over? Make you feel good to have me admit the pain you have caused me? Fuck you.)

________________

Mar 18, 2023, 6:31 AM

Did you look up Samantha Runnion? Do me a huge solid, okay old man? If that story will cause a blood rush and tugs and twitches, do not, do not do that to the memory of that precious child. Let her rest in predatory-free peace. Let her be. She is at the rainbow bridge, with the cat she loved, who can be found next to her in a photo online. The childfucker who destroyed her, used her love of animals to convince her to leave the safety of her yard. He asked for her help to find a lost dog. When parents try to protect their kids from predators, they often used to say things like "Don't take candy from strangers." Candy is something children take notice of. It grabs their attention. But animals, damn... A child who hears of a lost dog or cat, they will immediately feel like they have to help. Their mind will believe that if they don't help, the animal won't be found. They will feel that illogical sense of responsibility that children feel when parents divorce, when siblings die, when something bad happens. They will think they caused the bad thing to happen. Samantha Runnion had to help that man. She had to save that missing dog. It was the only thing her kind heart could do. Such pure intention, such unselfish willingness to help a missing dog. The fury my heart feels for the piece of shit who destroyed her is insanely strong, and is uncontrollable for me. If you were reading about her abduction and assault and murder for the first time, and I was anywhere near you during that first reading, if I saw even one little inseam stretch, even one little wrinkle in the crotch of your pants flatten and lift as you read her story, I would try to kill you with my bare hands, right then, and stopping me would require extreme measures.

Does it piss you off that I mention you be turned on by such an awful story? Are you self-righteously angry that I would dare accuse you of such an awful response? Why? If she had lived, and you interviewed her today, you would "trauma bond" with her and get hard hearing her talk about her abduction and assault. You would see her as someone you were free to "help" "resolve" this awful experience. Your voice would have that charged, subtle tone, as you ever so "gently" guided her from re-entering that most awful place in her memory, straight to your bed. The stories of trauma that turn you on, are real moments. The ONLY reason Samantha Runnion is safe from you re-exploiting her, is because she's dead.  

See now how I could actually think of her as lucky? Do you see?! Do you fucking see? Does this email's combination of words finally help you understand what you do, what you have done for 30+ years?"

Who will speak this inconvenient truth?

 Who will speak this inconvenient truth?

by 

Judy S. Lentz 

The full story about this picture is in this blog post:  https://sighlentz.blogspot.com/2014/11/this-is-me.html

If you took the time to read that post, you will understand more about who took this picture, and what I was experiencing at the moment this picture was taken, when I was 5 years old.  But this picture, all on its own, tells some of the hidden truth, when viewed by those who know how to read body language.  

The woman taking this picture had already photographed me many times before, as she and my stepmother Pam made me and other kids play "games" together.  This woman, helping Pam and my father, had terrorized me into total silence and obedience.  I could not tell the truth.  But my physical form was conveying some of the terror and fear I was feeling as that flash painted a white strip down the piano.  My arms were tensed up, my hands gripping the doll tightly, holding it up like some patheticly useless shield in front of my chest, which was constricted by panic.  My knees were pushed tight together, in a futile attempt to stop all that had already happened, and would continue to happen, because there is no child strength capable of fusing knees against adult force.  A second before this shot was taken, that woman's voice, a sound which I can recall to this day,  said, "Smile, honey," as she grinned.  I obeyed. 

So, I guess my question now is, which one of you adults out there, who think Marc Maron is doing nothing wrong by fucking traumatized girls who haven't yet begun to understand the damage created in their broken immature minds by terror equivalent to what you see in this chair, could tell this child to her face that you do not give a shit about any adult who sexually re-exploits her from this moment on?  Anybody?  Come on, now.  You all are fine with children exactly like the one in this picture being led to believe Marc Maron is a safe adult.  So, which one of you has the fortitude to publicly admit you are perfectly fine with this terrorized child being groomed and sexually exploited from this moment on?  Because this is what our society, and every one of you who allows children like this to see Marc Maron as safe, is doing to every sexually traumatized child who is having little knees like the ones in this picture pried apart at this very moment.

Now, some of you may have been so incensed by the inconvenient truth I have been trying to convey in this blog since April 26th, that you can truly look at this child in this picture, and feel like she retroactively deserves everything she got. Some of you may not give a shit at all about what was done to this girl in this chair.  She is me, and since first posting "A Thousand Words" nine years ago, I have received correspondence that makes it clear there are those who enjoy letting me know they are glad I went thru this hell as a child, they think I deserved it, and they think I deserve even worse now.  But the truth is, all of you who grin about the girls Maron sexually re-exploits, who feel like he is a "great role-model," and a "wonderful man" for children like the one in this chair to see as safe, are telling children today like the one in this chair that they are fair game for every predator out there, and no one is ever going to stop any of the predators who are going to re-exploit sexualized children who have gone thru a hell they did not have one damn thing to do with creating.  Every single person who is not speaking out against every predator who sexually re-exploits children like the one in this chair, is culpable for the way sexually traumatized children are never allowed to heal, but instead are forced to pull trains for predators for years to come.  Almost no child like the one in this chair, makes it to their thirteenth year without being sexually re-exploited.  And you all know who gets the blame for that underage re-exploitation.  Marc Maron knows well that these children will simply keep being misshapen by other predators, and formed into perfect victims he can groom unfettered, in front of everyone.   He knows no one is helping these children heal at all.  All he has to do is not outright fuck these children until they turn 16, 17, or 18, depending on where they live.  Then he can legally and publicly join in with the other predators, continuing to re-exploit these damaged, completely malformed immature girls who will fall for his lies in the guise of his "compassion," because they believe he is a respected person who gets to talk to presidents, and do the voices of some of their favorite animated characters from movies they watched as kids just a few years earlier.  When they are later using a sharp implement to draw blood on their arms, or chasing a handful of blues with whiskey, or holding a gun in their hands, longing to stop their pain, they will have nowhere to go. If they die, no one will know or care why. And Maron will receive money for calling these girls lunatics from the stage, saying they were "enamored" with him, and laying all the blame on them.

In case any of you are so indignant about my public words regarding Marc Maron's predatory behavior, that you truly don't give a shit what happened to the girl in the chair above, I am going to make another post, after this one.  With pictures of another child, one who hasn't pissed anyone off like I have.  Maybe looking into that child's eyes, you'll discover how fucked up it truly is, that predators like Maron know they are being given a gift, every time a child is sexually abused.

 

Your Left Right Left

 The SDA principal, who still has access to children, was placed in a position of power over children in at least four different communities.  Girls in each of those communities were groomed, fucked, and left much worse off by this child educator.  That church did not care.  They are one of the bigger religions in the world.  Wanna hear a little "joke" that was spoken in hushed tones with knowing smiles and winks, after services, or during potlucks in many SDA circles?  Whenever some educator or youth minister fucked kids, and got caught, congregants would say, "He'll be headed for the mission field soon."  Fucked up joke, huh. Nobody gave a shit if these predators kept fucking kids, as long as it was in some other country.  The Catholic church received more attention for shuffling predator priests around, but I know every religion does this.  The religious right is full of this bullshit behavior.  Kids like I was mean nothing to these people.  Not one goddam thing.

I have mentioned before, how I once thought the left actually cared about kids like I was.  How I felt like they would have protected me better.  How I had a safe place to belong, by being a liberal.  My natural political leaning was always left, and it did make me feel some comfort to think they cared about CSA victims.  To a child who never had anyone or anywhere to feel safe or belong, this mattered to me.

Mr. Maron did not care enough to respond to my first email to him, an email I sent when I still believed he cared about sexually abused children, and truly thought he was the kind of person who would at least say he might stop going after such damaged young abuse victims, because he never meant to leave such young girls worse off.  He spent 8 months showing how much he does not care at all about what children like I was are forced to go through. 

After seeing a damaged suicidal girl with a gun experience an escalating crisis, directly because of Marc Maron purposely sexually re-exploiting this girl young enough to be his granddaughter, I went public. Maron couldn't get law enforcement involved, because he couldn't have them sifting through his online history.  I am not lying, and I am only doing this to try and stop the damage he is doing to mentally compromised girls like I once was, so he hasn't seen fit to try and sue me.

Since April 26, Maron has not once publicly addressed this predatory behavior he has chosen to take part in for over 30 years.  He does not see sexually abused girls as anything but children who he can draw in, and fuck as soon as they turn eighteen.  He has not once said anything about his predatory sexual behavior in any apologetic manner. 

Today, in Maron's WTF podcast bonus episode,  he mentioned how he is getting set to do another movie for kids.  Marc Maron does not care how this will draw in more child fans.  He does not care that children who are being sexually traumatized this very second as I type, will be further damaged by him in just a few years, because he has earlier access to them.  He is quite happy to have a ready supply of victims, and know that nobody is going to protect them from him.

The left never gave a shit about kids like me.  The principal, maron, they just keep being handed CSA victims on a fuckin bloody platter.  The minute a child is sexually assaulted, that child is a future playtoy for all predators.   And nobody is going to protect them, right or left.

Sherlock

 I have recently received, yet again, a comment I have heard so many times over the years.  The ignorance behind this comment is exactly what I am trying to come up against by posting my words here in this blog.   Obviously, I cannot use a nifty little soundbite to TL/DR my way thru combating such a society-wide entrenched pattern of wrong-thinking.

I wrote a post about an assignment I got in an 8th grade English class over 4 decades ago.  I aced that assignment, which was not something I normally accomplished in elementary school.  The only reason I aced it, is because that teacher did not preface that assignment with the letters "TL/DR."  If those letters keep growing in popularity, no one anywhere is gonna be able to understand anything anyone else is trying to say.  (Here's the link to that 8th grade assignment:  Words ---trigger warning---not TL/DR.  May impart truth.)

The person whose recent comment inspired this post, told me it was my own fault if I kept ending up getting fucked by therapists, because if a therapist ever tried to have sex with them, they would know that therapist was unethical.  Well, no shit, sherlock.  That's the point. People who have never been mentally deformed by severe and chronic child sexual abuse and child trafficking, are not people who can be as easily groomed and conned and fucked by "helpers." That's why predators target such malformed survivors to sexually re-exploit.  Those who haven't grown up in an abusively sexualized environment, aren't as likely to be groomed and fucked by predators.  They don't walk around believing everyone is doing what I experienced as a child, because that isn't what they have experienced.  They haven't been habituated into believing all children are living out sick nightmares that they have to keep secret.  They don't think it is "normal" for adults to fuck children.  They don't believe all therapists are fucking their clients.  They haven't experienced a life that teaches them to view sex as the "normal" outcome of all human interactions. Until a sexualized child has a close, none-sexual experience with an older human who isn't getting close to them just to fuck them, they won't realize such safe and helpful interactions even exist.  This is the very reason why predators like Marc Maron are looking for kids who have been sexualized.   Those kids think Maron's predatory behavior is normal.  They don't think such behavior toward young survivors is hurtful or abnormal or something that will increase the survivor's desire to unalive oneself.  

Every time Marc Maron gets away with fucking a damaged girl, it reinforces the belief CSA survivors carry that all older adults are doing this, and it must not be damaging or wrong, because no one around Maron ever says it is wrong.  He is in a position of power, a celebrity who is held up as an ally to feminism, a person so "safe," he has a holiday book reading that is aired in our school systems, voices characters in animated movies targeted to children, and has been "sponsoring" damaged girls in recovery for years.  Each girl who falls for Maron's grooming, has no reason to doubt his "compassion" as he "trauma bonds" with them, and manipulates them with bs recovery/therapy phrases about how he might someday learn to "accept love," if he can "learn to accept intimacy" with that one "special" girl who finally unlocks his heart.  These girls don't know how all of those bs phrases he throws around are meant to give them hope, meant to make them feel special, are meant to wring every bit of sexual gratification Maron can get out of these mentally compromised sexualized young girls, before he is done with them.  These girls do not have any way to understand what Maron is really doing at all.  These girls think it is their own fault when Maron leaves them suicidal.  For decades, Maron has left horribly damaged girls even more suicidal, more self-harming, and more self-medicating, because no one ever says Maron using the power of his age, his status in AA, his interviews with important people, is wrong.  No one says "Marc Maron is a predator."  They are marketing this man to the most vulnerable of humans, children.  The mentally and emotionally malformed young girls Maron targets can't know he is a predator, unless society starts speaking the truth.  These young survivors do not have any life experience that will make them safe from predators like Maron.  That's the whole point of everything in my blog.  

I had no way to know that predators were grooming and conning and re-exploiting me.  I had no experience to combat the things I had been conditioned to see as normal.  Until society starts pointing out predatory sexual behavior that targets sexualized girls, and blaming and naming these predators, sexualized girls will have no way to ever realize how they are being sexually re-exploited.  

When will others ever get this?  It truly should be elementary.  Society has missed the one little point which is the basis of everything I am trying to say in this blog.  These girls, these survivors of horrendous childhood sexualization, cannot know what predators are doing, until society lifts the blame off of their mentally compromised psyches, and places that blame squarely on the shoulders of predators like Marc Maron.

Recovering

 Sexual abuse of children has been around for as long as there have been humans.  When my maternal grandmother was little, CSA was not an abuse that received public attention.   It was not "polite," to discuss this subject in any manner.  Freud did start to grasp the pervasive nature of CSA, but the vehemence of patriarchal societies in denying this truth made Freud backtrack his own discoveries, and once again lay blame on children.  

My maternal grandmother exhibited many signs of having experienced CSA.  Others in her generation of that family exhibited some of those same symptoms. My father's generation in that family did experience CSA, and one uncle in particular was known to be sexually abusing the children he had access to.  This was known because in-laws would whisper this information to other in-laws, in an attempt to try and protect children in the family.  The blood family members still weren't willing or able to discuss this subject, though.  This left yet another generation of that family at-risk.  Fundamental religious beliefs had a further silencing effect, as the patriarchal beliefs let men off the hook, and placed blame on the sexialized children.  

My mom's family had their own generational issues to deal with, but CSA was not part of those issues.  As a nurse, my mom and her medical peers were finally being taught about CSA, as society was starting to wake up to the fact that children were being sexually exploited in great numbers, and this type of abuse needed to be addressed.   My mom's generation still viewed CSA as something done by strangers, something that happened nefariously, something that took place "over there" somewhere, in other families, other homes, other churches, other schools, other countries.  No person who truly cared about children could comprehend such abuse being perpetrated by other decent people in their neighborhoods or families.  The inability to conceive of committing certain crimes is the biggest reason those most atrocious of crimes can blatantly occur unchecked.  

By the time I was being groomed and sexually re-exploited by the SDA school principal, CSA was finally receiving a bit more public attention.  After-school specials, advice columnists, books, articles in medical journals and popular magazines, national news stories, and many of those in counseling professions, were shining more light on the sexual abuses so many children were being forced to experience.  As is always the case, predators were right in the thick of this increased awareness, changing their modus operandi in order to continue their easy access to children.  Predators "recover-up" their sexual exploitation of survivors by manipulating the very symptoms of CSA to yet again place blame on the damaged young survivors.  Every step forward in trying to lessen the sexual abuse of children, is manipulated by predators to make such abuse continue unchecked.

I was hopeful that by the time my kids had offspring, CSA would be a crime on the decline.  The opposite has happened.   It is discussed more in public, and recognized as a prevalent issue many children face, but systemic internalized patriarchal misogyny means more older predators and more therapist-type "helpers" are free to use the known signs and symptoms of CSA to groom and re-exploit and blame the very survivors that are most in need of help.  The way CSA survivors react to sexual abuse, is being used to manipulate other adults into seeing these survivors as "wanting" to be further sexually exploited.  Once again, this is the only childhood abuse that can be publicly "rationalized" in such a manner.  

A child illegally introduced to alcohol as a toddler, who develops a serious substance abuse problem by their early teen years, is never exposed to legitimate treatment that includes giving them more and more alcohol, even if that child wants to keep drinking.  Adults who try and keep giving alcohol to such a child are seen as abusive adults who are harming a damaged young person.  Society recognizes that such a young person is not old enough to understand any of the physical and mental and emotional consequences of alcoholism.  Adults abusively exposed that child to harmful behavior in the first place, and the only way to help such a child is to stop other adults from continuing to harm that child by contributing to more of that behavior.  Even if this child is physically dependent on alcohol, legitimate treatment will never include sending this child to the home of an adult known to supply children with alcohol on a regular basis.  Such an idea would be viewed as preposterous. 

Recovery is no different for a child who experiences CSA.  Predators will never be legitimate "helpers" for CSA survivors.  My SDA principal will never be a safe human who can help any sexually exploited girl.  And neither will Marc Maron.  

Hyperbole

 In deciding to publicly speak up about Marc Maron's 30+ years of targeting,  grooming, and re-exploiting young survivors of sexual abuse who have serious mental health issues, I knew I would most likely receive unpleasant communications from adults who see CSA victims as being fair game for predators.  I also knew that Maron fans would probably be hostile toward anyone trying to call Maron out for sexually exploiting and 13-stepping damaged girls.  I have received less negative communication than I originally expected.  And it turns out not all Maron fans are in lockstep with his apologists.  A number of those who follow Maron, or belong to online Maron fan communities, have privately communicated their own discomfort with this predatory behavior Maron has been choosing to do for decades.  A couple of his Reddit followers were instrumental in helping me find information regarding his documented predatory behavior.  The "Girlfriends on the Couch," a group of female fans who regularly interacted with Maron's Instagram Lives during the pandemic, includes some who are currently struggling with how Maron chose to hurt a few of their own members, and how he showed no concern for the pain he caused those members, until after I went public on April 26.  Even then, his blame-shifting is apparent to a few of these members.  His fans are not all blindly loyal.  Some of them know what he has been doing is wrong.   They have hope he will eventually "see the error of his ways."  I had that hope myself, a year ago.  I'm skeptical now.

It turns out that those who are not hard-core Maron fans are the ones who have said some of the things I find most troubling.  A number of people in recovery have said things that truly don't make any sense to me.  Thankfully, there are quite a few people in recovery who let me know they are adamantly against older members 13-stepping young survivors, and are active in trying to protect such survivors within their own recovery circles.   The majority of those in recovery who have communicated with me, though, have shown an appalling sense of apathy toward damaged young CSA survivors.  Such apathy is beyond my ability to comprehend.  A few of them have tried to label me with derogatory terms that don't follow any line of logic in my view.  One such confusing term was "grandstanding."  Here is the first definition of that term that came up in my Google search:

"grandstanding

/ˈɡran(d)ˌstandiNG/

noun  DEROGATORY

the action of behaving in a showy or ostentatious manner in an attempt to attract favorable attention from spectators or the media.

'they accused him of political grandstanding.'"

I am not sure what part of anything I am doing can be termed "showy or ostentatious."  I took time to objectively observe Maron's behavior, because at first I was assuming that such observation would debunk the Millennial's words to me at that gas station just over a year ago.  Once I had to admit his behavior over time did show the truth about what he was doing, I couldn't make the choice to stay silent.   I know what is happening to these girls.  I know their actual lives are at risk.  That's not some hypothetical theory.  It's what's happening right now to CSA survivors who are being harmed by predators like Maron worldwide.  

Those who see a home or business being broken into, may choose to call 911, because they understand what is happening is harmful to other citizens.   That's not grandstanding.   That's someone doing what they can to try and stop others from being harmed by B&E and theft.  I watched 2 of Maron's current victims go thru escalating crises.  I saw an actual weapon in possession of the 2nd victim, and I know her suicidal ideation is very real.  Trying to protect that one endangered life is not some ideological hyperbole.  I saw an actual life in very real danger.  Speaking up for a real endangered life is not grandstanding.  The apathy it takes to try and twist what I am doing into anything derogatory, says a lot about how society continues to view survivors of CSA.    

Who needs help?

Who needs help?

In publicly discussing child sexualization, child sexual abuse, and child trafficking, I have struggled with a specific obstacle for many years. How does one write about CSA in an informative manner without feeling like such words can be easily misused by predators?  Writing/speaking about CSA is necessary, if there is ever going to be a change in the constant re-exploitation so many of these survivors are currently forced to experience.  But the reality of sickos getting off on such words is a huge fucking barrier for those who might otherwise try to speak up.

I recently spent a couple of days with three members of one of my old recovery groups, debriefing and spitballing ideas about my current endeavor to shine light on a subject deeply personal to me. It is one of these friends who pointed out that over the years, I seem to have developed a manner of writing about this subject where I sometimes let anger and sarcasm be an underlying part of my words.  It's probably my attempt to try and keep prurient enjoyment less likely for any predators who might be reading.  I was told that writing in this manner may make others care even less about those being abused in real time, if my writing comes across as "angry."  I can see how this may infuence readers to subconsciously view survivors in a negative light. That's not what I am trying to accomplish.  

I asked some other survivors for any input regarding better methods of communicating this subject matter in a way that couldn't be so easily "enjoyed" by predators.  So far, the answers I have gotten make it clear no one else has solved this issue, either.  In fact, this obstacle may be part of the larger issue of sexual re-exploitation continuing unchecked. This subject matter is hard enough to talk about, without having to realize how many predators may be listening in.  There is most likely no way to avoid saying these words in a manner that risks being a turn on for some fucked up adults. Survivors will never receive help in greater numbers, if more is not said about it.  I'm hamstrung between trying to wake people up to what children are being forced to go thru this moment, while not wanting to give some fuckhead fodder for flogging.  I don't know how to walk this line in an acceptable manner, yet. If I am making others feel less compassion for children being assaulted this second, I may need to consciously try and keep anger from infusing my words, and accept that sickos will get off on this subject, and I can't do a damn thing about it, unless I go back to being silent.  That's no longer acceptable to me.

I also realized something else this past weekend. My friends knew me from an addiction recovery group. We knew how to share real talk. But not one of them knew details of my CSA history.  As they have been reading my words written in this blog, it has been very unsettling for them. They were more upset by reading all of my words than I am.  I've had 9 years letting all of this out here. I can finally talk about my history with a sense of strength, and am no longer destroyed by emotionally encaged demons.  My friends know how differently I live my life, now, so they knew I wasn't in need of help getting over my past.  But a lot of people who are reading this blog don't seem to understand I am not looking for help to heal me.  Help already happened for me, when I quit trying to trust any human one-on-one, and just let this shit start coming out here 9 years ago.  Yes, I still experience darkness, and pain created by decades wasted on trying to get help from conventional therapy.  I live with my history my own way, now, and know how to stay safe from re-exploitation by helpers, which was always what left me suffering a deep desire for death.  I can handle the memories and darkness by writing.  I can't handle any more "help" from another support person.  However upsetting it may feel to read my words, I'm not that child anymore.  I am finally protecting her from being sexually misused and abandoned over and over.  That's what she needed. 

My pain now comes from seeing others at risk of suicide, because they are exactly where I once was decades ago, in the middle of first being re-exploited by sexual predators in sheeps clothing.  Some of these damaged young survivors will die because of this re-exploitation cycle they are caught in. I am speaking up for them, because that is the only thing that might have once helped me back then, when I was in their shoes.  I don't need help for me.  They need help.  For them.  

 

Blind

 Marc Maron's WTF episode today is excellent. As someone who was born with no left hip joint, hearing Andrew Leland talk about the emotional reactions to "coming out" as a cane user was inciteful, and accurately descriptive.  The reactions of those around him to his impairment, reactions by strangers and loved ones alike, seem to be universal examples of the way humans have evolved to respond to the full range of physical impairments that are part of being human.  WTF Podcast has once again introduced me to a person whose book will be added to my reading list.  Maron is a force in podcasting because of conversations like the one in today's episode.

Up until the last few years, I didn't understand the definition of the word "metaphor."  This may seem ironic, because I have always felt like the best way to explain an unknown concept or experience to others, is by transposing it into a situation that is more commonly understood by others.  Allegories seem to be another example of this, the idea that understanding can be found if one can take a well-known situation or experience, and use that to help others grasp an idea they have no knowledge about, have never lived through or internalized personally.  I am once again getting ready to write metaphorically, and the current WTF episode is the metaphor du jour.  

Andrew Leland has experienced a progressive loss of vision.  His experiences in life have been affected by this impairment.  His success at navigating this impairment has been greatly influenced by how society views such an impairment, and how his own friends and family have chosen to interact with him on his journey.  Hearing him speak about this is very informative, and those who listen receptively to today's podcast will come away with a deeper understanding about this impairment known as blindness.  

Imagine a scenario where Andrew was surrounded by a society, as well as friends and family, who responded to Andrew's impairment in a way that was only harmful to him.  When Andrew was first diagnosed as a teen, imagine if his peers had been allowed to laugh at him, take advantage of his impairment, and blame him for his increasing loss of sight.  There are plenty of people who will actually do this, to those with the impairment known as blindness.  They may monetarily screw a blind person over for financial gain, they might stick a toe in front of a blind person's leg, just to get a laugh out of watching them trip.  They may contort their face into playground insults with tongues sticking out, or flip a blind person off directly in front of that person's eyes, just to get a laugh from others.  They may tell the blind person it's too bad they didn't eat enough carrots, or chose to use certain household products that contain chemicals known to cause blindness, just to try and blame the person who can't see.  Some religious zealots may say the blind person must've done something wrong, must've grievously sinned, to have God strike them with blindness.  They may tell the impaired person to take some supplements, or be glad they aren't dying of cancer.  They may admonish the person to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and stop playing the victim card.  Andrew Leland has probably experienced human behaviors similar to this.  Thankfully, he was born in a time and place where humans are a bit more enlightened.   His family and friends, as well as the laws regarding safety codes for housing and access to sidewalks and public buildings and stairways and ATM machines, as well as new technology and apps on cell phones, etc., have all given Andrew, and others with varying degrees of this impairment, a better life experience.  A hundred years ago, or a thousand years ago, his life would have been much different.  Humans have an increasing sense of decency toward, and an honoring of the dignity and humanity in, those among us who experience quite a number of differently-abling impairments.  This has started to extend to those who are not neurotypical, and even to those who have experienced certain types of trauma that create symptoms now categorized by varying diagnoses in each new DSM.  

Children who are sexualized, by child sexual abuse, exposure to pornography, trafficking, and the myriad ways a patriarchy sexualizes afab children and imparts misogynistic ideas into all youngsters, are starting off life with an impairment.  Often, this impairment has visible manifestations.  I exhibited sexualized behavior starting around the age of two.  That was an impairment that was going to continue worsening without adult intervention.   The only adult intervention I got came from adults who could exploit my impairment.   I had no way of knowing any of this, at all.  No sexualized child understands anything adults are doing to them.  

The idea that trauma creates "tragic" victims is a narrative that can quickly turn into telling a person they are playing the victim.  This victim-blaming silences people who are being harmed.  Imagine if a blind person, everywhere they went, was being tripped by people sticking a foot out in front of that blind person.  At some point, the blind person may stop, and say "I can't get anywhere because you all keep tripping me."  Imagine if everyone around that person said, "Oh shut up already.  Quit playing the victim.  Stop tripping.  Just do it.  You are causing all your own injuries every time you trip, so simply stop tripping and then blaming everyone else.  You are at fault for all of it, so shut up and live right."  Until those who keep tripping that impaired person are called out, and are no longer allowed to continue harming the impaired person, this cycle will continue, and eventually the blind person will stop trying to move, stop asking for help, stop reaching for anything.  They will hate themselves, they will suffer in silence, and perhaps decide to step in front of some large oncoming vehicle they hear down the road, because there is no other escape from their hell, a hell they have been made to believe is their own creation.  

This is what society does to CSA survivors.  Until their impairment is no longer acceptable to make fun of, take advantage of, and sexually exploit, until they are helped instead of blamed, these CSA survivors will never be safe, will never heal, will never find a way to live out their true potential.  CSA is not some momentary incident of negligible damage, like a paper cut or a broken arm.  The moment a child is sexualized, the person they were meant to be is stolen.  That child will have an impairment they don't comprehend, an impairment predators will be free to exploit unimpeded. That child will lead a life of pain they will blame themselves for, like a blind person standing immobile on a sidewalk, being told they are causing themselves to fall by being too blind to see every foot others are choosing to place in front of them.  CSA creates an impairment.  Society will have to change, if CSA survivors are ever going to receive real healing.

I am thankful that impairments like blindness, like birth defects in hip joints, are handled in a more compassionate way now, and people with a wide variety of impairments can experience safer and fuller lives.  I hope someday the selective blindness of society will clear, and the impairments created by all forms of child sexualization will be handled in a manner that lifts blame off the survivors, places it on those who are currently free to exploit these survivors' impairments, and help these survivors fulfill their fuller potential and live safer lives, so they can finally exist without longing to die.

Slide, a poem repost

 

The first time the principal fucked me, he got mad afterward, and sharply asked, "Where's the blood?" I never had told him all that had happened to me. I had just answered yes when he asked me if my father had molested me, which was when he first took me under his wing, so to speak. I was not anywhere near ready back then, to put into actual words what had occurred throughout my childhood. But I wrote a poem a few hours after he asked that question. I was remembering a slide on a playground when I was 5, a spiral one, as I wrote this. I wrote it in red pen. I never shared it with anyone until I was in my 40's. Here it is:

Slide

by

 Judy S. Lentz

Drop away beneath me in

breath snatching glee

Is the laughter beating in my ears

from me?

The mirrored slope descending

Sheets of silver floating down

Invisible windfingers lift my hair

the breath of a clown

Whose hand trails behind me, streaking

blood where I slid down

Reminder

For over 30 years, Marc Maron has been drawing in/grooming and fucking young girls with specific mental health issues caused by childhood sexual abuse.  He then leaves these girls much worse off, while calling them lunatics, and making fun of their mental illness symptoms from the stage.  Last year he flashed his genitals at a set worker in Canada.

I have known about this for one year, and spoken publicly about it since April 26.  The obsessed person is the old man who keeps trying to say teens are enamored with him, and keeps fucking girls mentally and emotionally damaged by sexual trauma.  The fans excusing him are obsessed with making Maron's predatory behavior seem harmless.  I, in pointing this ongoing behavior out, am not the person obsessed with doing harm to young damaged girls.  I am trying to speak up for girls like I was 40 years ago.  

Definitions matter. I take full responsibility for pointing out Mr. Maron's predatory behavior.  I am not the one with a pathological obsession.   Mr. Maron is.