Instant Replay

 I have received some correspondence regarding a current affair making the publicity circuit, and I find myself needing to replay a couple of my posts, in order to unmuddy the waters.  My issue, since April 26 of last year, is specific.  I will repeat this as often as necessary, for those who are confused.  

There are predators who purposely target very young survivors of CSA/trafficking, in order to sexually re-exploit these mentally and emotionally compromised young humans who display serious diagnosable symptoms that include SH and SI, and are often in recovery for substance addiction.  When such predators have a proven pattern of re-exploiting such young survivors for decades, and are being marketed to more children they can continue to groom, that is an issue that I feel strongly needs to be addressed.   The lives of young survivors need to be protected from these predators.  These predators need to be called out and stopped, in order to give young survivors a chance to escape this debilitating cycle of re-exploitation.  Very young lives are at risk, when these predators are allowed to continue grooming young survivors. 

Any relationship that does not include a predatory dynamic as described in my last paragraph, is not what I am addressing in these blog posts.  Straw men and what-about-isms will not detract me from my focus.

Here are links to reiterate where I stand:

Age

Response

Reminder

Appropriation (Major TRIGGER WARNING)

TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ 

Attached are 4 photos from a recent post maron made on X, regarding the death of steve albini.  The words written by albini, which were in the comments below maron's post, may be very triggering.  It is albini's words about "stuff" he liked.  It is vile.  If you do read them, the rest of my post will make more sense.  (If you choose to take my TW seriously, and don't read albini's words, that is a decision I understand.)

The internal space I entered, as a child sodomized and raped, is a space still very clear in my mind.  I can reenter that internal space, although to write about it, I must sit adjacent to that compartment of my mind, not within the space itself. Words don't exist within that Gehenna.   The laws of physics that allow tears to form, cease to exist within that pit.  In my mind's eye, the hellish doorframe that opens into that internal space is cracked and warped, from the innumerable times I have slammed that door shut, when something happened that threatened to cast my mind back into that hell. To enter that internal space, for me, is the closest my mind can come to complete dissociation.  That day I describe, in blog post Cave of pain, is an example of a time I was thrown back into this destroyed space.  The fact that there are toddler human beings forced into such a space inside of their own minds by unspeakable brutality, should be ranked number one on the triaged list of crimes committed by humans that need to be eradicated immediately.  

I was destroyed as a child.  Nothing about that mattered to anyone, ever.  Since then, I was expected to just accept, and get over, being re-exploited constantly.  The destroyed toddler albini wrote about, had just been rendered irrelevant, to everyone, by an act completely outside of that child's realm of control, or comprehension.  The moment I was destroyed, I disappeared.  I was erased.  Replaced with a blank deformed canvas, a canvas formed for jizz. All while taking the blame, from that moment on, for having been destroyed.  Society sees me as someone expected to take the blame for everyone who got off on me.   I was not ever supposed to find a way back to using words or shedding tears, and anything I might say, no matter the painful truth I try so hard to make clear, would be seen as the words of a "lunatic."  Men like my school principal and Marc Maron are publicly allowed to keep grooming and fucking destroyed children.  This unconscionable reality is why I could write the post at this link, about a murdered child a part of my mind kept trying to tell me was the lucky one, the destroyed baby that got away from here before anyone else could get off on her indescribable hell:  https://sighlentz.blogspot.com/2023/09/inconvenient-truth.html

I finally found my way to words.  I spoke up.  That makes me bad.  Could you really tell that destroyed child from albini's journal that if she ever finds her way back to words, and dares to speak out, she is an insane person who needs to shut up?  I am finally pointing out the men who purposely get young destroyed humans alone at their jobs in offices or rectories or garages or after shows, so they can get hard, running their minds across that destroyed child's pain, drawing close to that destruction in order to get off.  Me speaking up about this is not insane.  The fact that these men are allowed to do this is insane.

Old men who publicly fuck destroyed young minds for decades are the ones with fucked up psyches.  I am a destroyed child, who finally formed the words for a blog I started when I was 48.  You all who hand these destroyed babies to these old predators, while you call my words crazy, are the ones whose minds are in denial.  The destroyed child albini wrote about in his attached words, had been rendered inanimate, an object to be leered at by old men.  That unchild is now there to be used by old men to pontificate over, and ogle, to share knowing grins about, to leer at, and to re-exploit. Destroyed little girls are viewed by patriarchal predators as now only existing for these old men to use as a sounding board for their self-agrandizing inner turmoil.  The heaviness of these old men, as they jerk off to, and then shake their heads at, how devastating this child's destruction makes them feel, how intellectualized and objectified that child becomes, a vacuous blankness these old men can paint with their cum and their self-centered appropriated tears.  How heavy it is, to be rent in half by the lust and self-importance that this destroyed child forces these poor old men to feel.   But, that destroyed blank slate-child is never supposed to move or cry, much less try and stand up or speak.  The sexual destruction of a child is viewed as something so bad, that the erased little being becomes nothing but the catalyst for old men to exploit, as those old predators have the insolence to act as if they are being ripped apart by being forced to long for a chance to fuck that child.  That child no longer is anything but a receptacle for old man sperm, meant to get men off, even as those self-important old men appropriate that child's pain.  Then call that child a lunatic.  

I am that goddam child, and I am finally standing up and speaking.  My destruction is mine.  Not Marc Maron's.  Not my pedo principal's.  Marc Maron should never be allowed to appropriate the pain, or bodies, of destroyed afab children.  His inability to see destroyed afab children as anything but blank beings who are now and ever after "asking for it," is a pathogical mental illness, not some sad grief Maron gets to appropriate as if it is his pain.  Fuck every adult who sees destroyed children as something to fuck, and then label a "lunatic" after they do so.

A child who is left in such a destroyed condition should immediately receive help, and protection from every predator who will be salivating to take their own turn.  Instead, that child is erased, and their destruction is appropriated by the predatory adult males lining up to have what they feel they are entitled to.  Predators, who will pontificate about how hard it is for them, to be saddled with the burden of needing to fuck that child.  Predators who reframe the way they hunt for and spot these destroyed young humans and move in for the kill, as if this is them just being "sensitive" to the pain such an obliterated young human is experiencing. Predators who have the depravity to eulogize a fellow predator who shared their penchant for the young, with the words, "Rest in heavy peace, Steve."  steve deserves nothing.  That destroyed child is the one who goddam suffered, because of the steves in the world.  steve can rest in vermin viscera.  As can every other human who gets off on and appropriates the destruction of children.

 For everyone who read albini's own words about the "stuff" he liked, do those words help you finally grasp what is stolen?  Do you finally understand what I have been trying to explain in my blog?  That destroyed child had no self.  Nothing.  Their self was obliterated.  What is left is NOT to blame for anything that others will do to them until well into adulthood, if ever.  It may take decades for them to get any part of themselves back.  Do you understand?  What words have to be said, to finally help society understand?

I am that blotto'd child.  That is what I lived thru, that is what I had to try and overcome, on my fucking own, because every "helper" who was "sensitive" to the destroyed part of me, was allowed to re-exploit me with zero repercussions.  Just as maron is allowed to re-exploit destroyed afab girls, and make himself out to be some sort of victim when he is done.

(As I started down the maron rabbit hole 20 months ago, there were a number of maron's male fans on a few social media sites that would guess, or in one chatroom even bet on, whether or not maron fucked certain young female guests when he was done interviewing them alone in his garage.  It was a joke to these guys.  Of course, if maron ever did do that, in his place of work during the act of performing his job, after getting so many of those female interviewees to start talking about childhood trauma and sexual abuse, which leaves them unable to legally consent, that might be a problem.  I'm sure maron knows the laws regarding the legal requirements of those interviewing child sexual abuse survivors.)

Bear with me

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRwXvYAE/

When it's at home

The number of people discussing "Quiet on the Set" is impressive.  I once used to find hope, a decade or 2 ago, when I saw people expressing shock and outrage over similar discoveries, regarding sexual exploitation of those from earlier generations. Now, all I can see is blind denial, and ignorant hypocrisy, as hands are being wrung about past situations, all while the same abuses are playing out daily in front of everyone.  Some of the same people expressing disgust or outrage for what was happening back in the 90s and 2000s, have no problem interviewing or joking about or excusing or working with sexual predators in current time, who are just as dangerous for our youth this very moment as anyone at Nickelodeon was, 20 years ago.

I guess this is how sexual exploitation of our youth will continue to be handled.  It will be allowed and ignored today, then memorialized in sorrowful regret, years after the fact.  Maybe in a decade or 2, Marc Maron's current victims might finally receive some validation, and those marketing this 60 yr-old predator to children today, may finally be called out.  It's too bad all of those feeling so bad about the stolen lives of kids years ago, can't wake up and see what this shit actually looks like in real time, when it's at home.

A repost, after finishing the 5th episode of "Quiet on the Set."

 I have now watched the first 5 episodes of "Quiet on the Set." I hope people will start to realize that any adults sexualing children 18 or younger, are sexually exploiting children. A child does not understand when adults are doing this. Mr. Schneider tried to excuse sexualized scenes in his shows as being "okay" because the jokes were not understood by the kids, and only the adults watching those references knew what it meant. That is my point exactly. No child ever understands any sexualizing they are being put thru. I did not understand what child porn was, and I was used for years in the creation of it. I had no idea my principal was a pedophile, and he was sexually exploiting me. No child will understand any sexual abuse/assault/exploitation they may experience until many years later. But any adult who was watching the referenced "cum shots" and foot fetishizing and the multitude of other sexualized situations in Schneider's programs, was enjoying the fact that they could get off watching a child experience such sexualized situations. That is sexual misuse of children. Adult predators were being gratified by children in very blatantly sexualized situations. And according to Mr. Schneider's words, the reason his shows were okay is because it was adults who understood the cum shots, not the kids. Children do not understand what is happening to them as they are being sexualized. No child should be used to create sexually gratifying material for adults. Children should never be sexualized for adults.

In this very well-done program, "Quiet on the Set," some of those interviewed speak of needing to protect kids better, now. That is so true, but it won't happen until the adults who groom and target children now, are called out, and are no longer marketed to children. All those known to be preying on our youth, must be recognized, and their access to children must be stopped.

Marc Maron is a person who has no business being marketed to children. He has over 3 decades of publicly grooming underage girls. Little girls are now sending him drawings of Mr. Snake. These children don't know what he is doing. But he does. And any adult excusing this and behaving as a Maron apologist, is perpetuating the kind of sexulization of children that occurred in "Quiet on the Set." This man is not safe for children. 

Here is my repost:

-----TUESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2023

Obsession

Today's WTF Bonus episode is interesting. A few times throughout the episode, there are the mentions of emails people have sent, and how Marc and Brendan read and honor the emails that they feel do address important issues, especially for those who are paying listeners who receive WTF's bonus material. Brendan and Marc both invite people to email them with these issues. And Brendan once again mentions, "if you are paying for it" as a concept that might make such emails receive more attention. 

I have been paying 5 dollars a month for Bonus material since last year. Obviously I am still paying for it, as I just finished listening to this episode. I sent an email, "Well, hell," on August 30, at 10:01 pm. On Sep 3, 2022, 8:33 PM, I sent an email, "OMG." The saved IG Live reel I referenced in that email was removed, a removal I referenced in the OMG followup email, sent Sep 4, 2022, 10:07 AM. Yes, like all emails WTF receives, my emails were being read. My email content was never publicly responded to with any concern for the issue I was emailing about. For 8 months, I did exactly what Brendan and Marc said to do, in today's Bonus episode. I was paying for WTF+ each month, and I was sending heartfelt emails. The issue I am addressing, to this day, is an issue that involves the lives of afab girls with a specific mental illness brought on by a specific form of child abuse, a group whose members cut themselves and self-harm in many other ways, and suffer from the longing to be gone from a world where older adults they try to trust keep re-exploitating them for sexual gratification, later abandoning them and adding to their mental illness symptoms, worsened by the older adult who re-exploited them. I consider the pain and suicide of such young people to be as important as every other group who experiences such pain and suicidal ideation because of the mistreatment they experience in systemic ways in our society 

Today's WTF episode, which I cannot legally share in this email, will have to be paid for, in order for others to hear it. It is an episode explaining problematic WTF Podcast moments over the years. It makes a point of explaining how some things from the past were wrong, and because of cultural changes, are no longer happening. Marc Maron's grooming and re-exploitation of young afab survivors of child sexualization who have a mental illness created by that abuse, is ongoing. Is happening to this day. It is not some innocently overlooked past problematic issue he no longer takes part in.

When I realized, last August, that Marc Maron was choosing to sexually exploit young victims of CSA, it was literally the last straw for me. I decided to speak up. I could have spoken about any of the thousands of older adult predators who are doing this. It was Maron's behavior that was my last straw. I did exactly as he and Brendan have always encouraged listeners to do. I emailed WTF. For 8 months, I brought this subject matter to the attention of Mr. Maron, in the exact manner Maron and his producer tell listeners to do. I am a paying listener. This issue involves some of the worst consequences for those suffering some of the most damaging child abuses that exist. Afab survivors of CSA who have BPD kill themselves every day, because they keep being re-exploited, and those predators who con them and later abandon them are viewed by others as decent people, while these girls are blamed for trusting these older adults who harm them. I cannot see how these young damaged humans' lives are less important than others who are dying because of the mistreatment they experience in society. 

I finally found the strength to speak up for this group I belong to. I wish, when I was 17, and spoke up about the SDA church-school principal who was preying on this same group, that I could have had wisdom and strength to speak about that predator the way I am speaking out now. That's not how this works. The reason young damaged members of my group are revictimized, is because they believe they are bad humans who cause older predators to damage them. That belief, and the way society perpetuates the victim-blaming of this group, makes it so there is no way for this group to escape their plight. They intrinsically need older adults who they can trust, because older adult helpers are the only way these damaged young humans will ever escape their hell. Predators act like they care. They act like they are the very help these damaged girls need. Men like Maron are allowed to prey on these damaged girls. These girls, if they don't kill themselves, may one day realize how society fed them to known predators. They may one day realize, when they are around 50 or so, how their lives, their anguish, was not important to anyone. It hurts in a way I can't even properly convey, to realize my life, as a child, mattered to no one, because sexualized little girls are seen as "less-than," are viewed as damaged "others" whom it is perfectly okay to sexually exploit. There is no way to escape this. I had to speak up.

In speaking out, it was Maron I chose to focus on, as an example of an actively-abusing predator choosing to harm the young afab members of my group. If I had chosen anyone who is currently an active predator, I would be gathering information, pointing out the abuses, giving the very examples of behavior required by society, when anyone speaks up about those who are choosing to harm vulnerable members of an "othered" group. The person who compiled that video of Joe Rogan using that awful racial slur, had a huge impact on others, because everyone finally had to see what was really going on. That person(s) who made that video, had to comb thru years of Rogan material. That person would have had to do this, regardless of who the slur-user was. That person was not obsessed with Rogan. That person was tired of everyone ignoring and excusing and explaining away cruel behavior. That person was speaking the truth.  

I am not obsessed with Marc Maron. I am doing my best to correctly speak out about the horrible, life-endangering behavior that is allowed to happen to girls from my group, girls with serious mental health issues caused by severe childhood sexualization. The requirements for speaking out make me have to gather information and do my best to present it. To try and diminish what I am required to do, by calling it anything other than gathering information, is another form of blame-shifting. If you must call what I am doing an "obsession," I will only own that word when it is used to describe the actual abuse I am trying to make others aware of. I sincerely want young mentally damaged victims of childhood sexual abuse to stop being sexually re-exploited by much older predators who are publicly choosing to prey on these victims with no repercussions. That is the only obsession I will own. Maron was the straw. That's the thread I have chosen to untangle. -----

Recap reminder

 A quote from my previous post entitled "What Gets Stolen."  

---When I was 17, I found out another another victim of the principal had tried to kill herself. I realized that sweet girl could have died. Two other victims had come to the attention of school staff. People in the church were starting to talk. I was horrified to think of any of those girls being dead.  

The principal packed up his wife and kids, and moved to another area quite abruptly. He became the principal of the adventist academy there. I knew he was going to be fucking kids there. I realized I could not live with myself if I didn't try to keep any other girls from ending up like the one I knew. I called the president of the sda conference where I lived. 

When his secretary told him I was calling about a school in his conference, he took my call right away. He started asking me questions, with that tone of voice I know and understand much better now than I did in 1983. He said he could not protect other girls unless I was honest. He was the first, and last, human I ever spoke to in detail about things that happened between me and any abuser. We talked for a long ass time. I started to realize what his breathing and tone meant; mother fucker was jerkin it. I stopped talking. His voice got professional again, and he said that because the principal had moved to another conference, there was nothing he could do. 

I called the sda church where the principal had moved. I ended up speaking to the youth minister. I gave him a brief synopsis. Here is what he said: "If you try to call anyone down here saying those kinds of lies again, we will sue you for slander, and have you arrested for harassment."---

I was coerced into silence by a common tactic used to keep victims silent. I was going to be reframed as someone who was harassing and slandering an active sexual predator. I did let that silence me, many years ago. Not anymore.

I am calling out Marc Maron for his predatory behavior. His behavior is a danger to the children he is marketed to. He is a danger to sexualized afab children. He is a danger to young survivors in recovery. Calling out his behavior is not harassment.  

Coffee and DM's

 I woke this morning to a dm from a Maron fan.  They wanted to make sure I knew that Mr. Snake would once again be making his way into theaters later this year.  Three things stood out for me, as I read their words over coffee. 

First, was this person under the impression that I believed Maron would no longer be voicing that character his child fans send him drawings of?  He is currently touring this country, where children are no longer restricted from most of his audiences.  This man has unencumbered access to groom any child he wants, and there are even parents who are excited to bring their children to see this man.  A majority of his most recent acting entries listed on IMDB are specifically created for children.  Want to shock me?  Send me a dm if children ever start being protected from having this predator marketed to them.

Second, I would hazard a guess that this dm writer has taken part in berating the Catholic church for their practice of hiding and protecting their sexually predatory priests.  But perhaps I am wrong.  Maybe this person is just as gleeful when these predatory priests are allowed continuing access to groom children.

Third.  My living abusers are all still free and have access to children, with only one exception. The one person I witnessed rape another child when I was 5, did do a handful of year's prison time in the early 2000s for sexually abusing children in the late 90s. 

I already know these sexual predators are not being stopped.  It's a lesson I have watched in action for 58 years.  If sexual predators were being stopped, instead of being given access to children through their lines of work, my blog wouldn't exist.

I write this blog, since last April 26, because this man is a present danger to young sexualized afab children, to child survivors of CSA, to young survivors who have been diagnosed with BPD and suffer from SH and SI, survivors who suffer from addiction and are often in recovery.  I write this blog for the parents who have thanked me for gathering this information and making it easier to find, because they had no idea who was behind the voice of a character their children liked.  I write this blog for the past victims, who are thankful I am saying what they can't. When this 60 yr-old man is no longer endangering children, when he is no longer free to draw in and coerce the children he views as potential targets, my posts about him will stop:

Children

Do you know where your child is?

This post isn't something I wanted to do.  I have done my best to protect the innocent by marking out names and profile pics, but all of this is public information, easy to access, right there on the apps we all use everyday.  Any one of you concerned adults could find this stuff in posts you may pass over, or browse, or read, or, god forbid, even laugh at, every day.  Those of you with kids may be actively in denial about what your children are seeing, or going thru online.  At least there was some pretense, when I was going thru my own childhood hell, that child sexual exploitation was a crime.  It is so common now days, a popular influencer can make a post like this, and nobody seems concerned. 

I have chosen to try and include pics of all of the comments below this 21 yr-old influencer's post, just to show how common this online CSA actually is for so many of those responding.  There are quite a few pictures of that whole thread here in my blog post, so it is long.  I hope that concerned parents, at the very least, will still see it as worth reading, to grasp the scope of this ongoing abuse happening to children.  If anyone visits Reddit, the subreddits there dedicated to survivors of CSA, SA, mental health/illness, etc., are filled with comments from young people who are suffering from a multitude of very serious problems, because of what happened to them, often starting online when they were children.  Because those subreddits are full of predators who swoop in to offer "help" to these hurting survivors, I will not post direct, traceable quotes of the words written by these young survivors.  But there are literally thousands of these posts, and very few of these hurting young survivors are receiving any kind of constructive advice. Predators start to DM them, either to offer bs grooming "help" that eventually leads to re-exploitation, or to tell them they deserved what they got, or deserve to be hurt in worse ways.  Other young survivors sometimes parrot the words of their own exploiters, by telling these victims they need to find a "safe" person to reenact out their abuse with.  Sadly, there are so many posts where these same survivors later write about discovering they had been re-exploited by yet another predator, when they followed this advice.  There is a reason DV survivors are not encouraged to find a person to "reenact" their DV abuse with, in order to heal.  That is not how healing from any type of abuse works.  Most of these young CSA survivors, like myself at their ages, are heading into years of being re-exploited, believing it will help them heal.  What my sda school principal, and most of the therapists and ministers and other "helper" type people did to me in private, is now publicly being perpetrated on survivors.  My hellish existence has become normalized. This will only lead to more self-harming, more substance abuse, and more deaths.  And it is leading to more sexual predators being allowed to behave as my principal and Marc Maron have publicly behaved for decades.  

Everything mentioned in the attached photos is happening right now, to children as young as 7 or 8, even as I type this. Remember that old commercial that came on at 10 pm, to remind parents about their parental responsibilities?  Well, it's 2024.  Do you know whose dick your child is being exposed to?

These following pictures are a post and comments from young ones whose playground has been the internet.  Not one of these young survivors is at all at fault for any of this bullshit.  They are not to blame for not understanding what was allowed to happen to them.  These are survivors who were/are not being protected from the pervs on their playground.  The pedos in the panel vans have been given full access to our children.  That is the fault of the older, adult, mostly male sexual predators, and the parents who did/do not check on their children's internet safety.  Not one of the young survivors posting in the following pics is at fault.  

That does bring me to a question I don't know the answer to, yet.  At some point, these survivors do reach a place where they are making choices to allow their own children to be sexually exploited.  Some of them even start to encourage the exploitation of their own offspring.  While this isn't a new phenomenon (my stepmother, Pam, had been trafficked, and she did the same to me), it is much more prevalent now.  I have seen a couple of mothers who have said they are bringing their underage daughters to a Marc Maron show.  They actually seem to get pleasure from the idea of this 60 yr-old man being interested in their child.  Some of my father's mistresses offered their own children up to my father that same way.  At some point, adults who are actively involved in handing over children to be sexually exploited, become accomplices. The Pams and Ghislaines of the world are responsible for their choices, when they decide to hand over children to sexual predators.  The parents who do this are in territory I can't comprehend. The child who gets others to join in with their own exploitation, at a predator's bidding, does not understand what the hell is going on.  The parent who allows an old man to groom their alcohol-addicted teen, or is fine with an old man walking in on their teen daughter's changing room at a beauty pageant, those parents have entered that realm of culpability where the predators reside.  

These young survivors commenting in the pics below, will one day have to realize, like I finally was able to see in my 40's, that they were not protected by anyone.  And they will also have to realize that they were ascribed the agency/blame for all of it.  Children who are sexualized are expected to know better and protect themselves.  They are expected to know what these predatory adults are really doing.  And then they are blamed for displaying the symptoms from having been sexually exploited.  No blame is placed on the much older, adult predators, who are knowingly exploiting children, who are getting off on children.  Sadly, these young survivors right now believe this was all "normal," this was "just the way it is."  They have no clue what is being allowed to happen to them.  

You want to know why our teen girls are killing themselves at higher rates than ever?  This is the reason.   They are sexualized from birth, and sexually exploited by adults, mostly men, the minute they can navigate the technology we hand to them.  And these girls are told it is all their own powerful, feminist choice to be sexually exploited like this.  That is how blame is being reframed, in order to place it on the shoulders of children.  We don't, as a society, actively encourage younger and younger drug use, or younger and younger acceptance of domestic violence, or younger children driving drunk.  But children have been exposed to old dicks ejaculating online for the past couple of decades, and those predator assholes don't have to buy candy or hide behind econolines anymore, to do this shit.  They just do it.  Anytime they want.  And when these young survivors post publicly about experiencing CSA, and no one reacts by calling out predators or trying to stop them, these survivors assume what happened to them didn't matter.  They assume it was just what they were made for. 

The following are pics of this young influencer's recent post, and the comments below that post.  I hope somewhere, at least some parents out there are paying attention. 

 

 

It's 10 pm

Dolls

 Demetri Manabat

A Priest, Candy, and Physiology

I am going to write a truth in this post.  A truth I have actively avoided writing, or saying, for decades.  Writing this truth forces me to finally scale that most egregious barrier I have slammed up against, every time I have struggled to convey the deeply insidious things that actually happen during child sexual exploitation.  In this post, I will attempt to keep anger from infusing all of my words.  I will not be entirely successful at doing that. Don't mistake this for an apology.  I'm just shining light on the rending pain that will battle in my mind as I write this.

A little preamble, for anyone who might use conjecture to accuse me of being puritanical. I do not believe in "waiting for marriage," or expecting or teaching "abstinence-only."  Naturally maturing children are meant to experience discovering their own identities, desires, and preferences, along with their peers, who are also going thru their own discoveries, with protection and guidance from non-predatory adults.  Sound utopian?  It's how nature created humans to develop. Sexual coercion or exploitation by any adult predator during the developing years of childhood is unnatural.   

Predators who sexually target children share words among themselves that would horrify most decent people.  When Chris Hansen or the FBI or any other people try to find those sexual predators who target children, they are often forced to hear or read how those predators are twisting words to excuse their unnatural behavior.  Groups like nambla or maps (I will not capitalize those groups' acronyms) speak about children, using the same manipulative tactics that sexists and racists and proslavery-apologists use to justify their insidious and cruel behavior and beliefs.  Truth is being grossly malformed by those who want to sexually exploit children.  Talking about these truths can be deeply disturbing, painful, and nauseating, for survivors.  And infuriating.  I know what a percentage of those reading this post will be thinking of as they take in my words.  I know how some of them will try to twist and misuse my words.  I know how some of them will experience arousal because of my words.  If I could place a spell on these words here today, that would cause the immediate cessation of heart activity in any perverse predator who begins to enjoy my words, I would cast that spell over this post right now.  For fucking real.

Humans are altricial. Our young must be fed, sheltered, taught, and cared for, or they will not survive.  They are meant to be protected by the adults around them, until they reach their own adulthood.  They are meant to be experiencing their childhoods along with their peers, as adults are keeping them all safe and sustained.  That is how nature designed humans.  

Patriarchy has been warping natural human development with lies about afab children for thousands of years.  We've all heard, and sometimes repeated, those tenets of patriarchy.  "Girls mature faster than boys," "girl children are meant to be fucked by adult men," etc, etc, ad fucking nauseum.  These words are based in the purposeful twisting and misrepresentation of natural physiology.   Because we live in a patriarchy, these twisted words are often accepted as truth, in regards to female children.  But there is a corresponding twist of words that is identically used by adult predators who desire to sexually exploit male children.  The reason these corresponding words aren't a larger part of the accepted vernacular systemically embedded in our society, is because we live in a patriarchy. To understand the truth about all of this, we have to look at physiology.  And we have to look at the intent of any adult who is warping natural childhood development to justify sexually exploiting any of our children. 

Humans are born with organ systems, and sub-systems, that are all parts making up the whole system of a human being. These systems function in varying degrees of under-development in infancy.  This is what makes humans experience a time of dependency on the adults around them for survival.  We are not born fully developed.  Our bodies and brains take years to reach any level of maturity.  This is our natural state of existence, when we are born.  

The reproductive system in infants is not developed, and regardless of what bigotry proclaims, a host of differences naturally occur within the reproductive systems of children everywhere.  In children, regardless of sex assigned at birth, this system goes through developing changes during childhood that roughly correspond with changes occurring in their peers.  That is natural.  Years down the road, these same systems also begin to slow their reproductive processes at roughly the same time among peers.  That is natural.  Medicine can prolong the aging of reproductive organs, and in our patriarchy, where we use medicine that has been male-centric for millenia, mass marketing of treatments to keep older penises from naturally slowing down has been the result.  Patriarchy, not nature, is the reason for this.    

All human babies, from birth on, experience increasing degrees of self-awareness, which includes awareness of sensations within their whole system.  Nothing about that awareness is mature or precocious. It is simply a part of being a developing human child.  

In our patriarchy, where afab children are spoken of in an unnatural way by those who want to sexually exploit female children, there are systemically embedded beliefs that are still passed on to new generations, by way of commonly spoken mythos. "Old enough to bleed...," "grass on the field...," etc., these are seen as acceptable or humorous statements, planting patriarchal tenets systemically into society every time these words are repeated. There is a resulting degradation of lesser known jokes shared among adults who sexually exploit children. I once heard my father and pam share just such a "joke," words I never heard repeated, until I later read those words in a John Grisham book. I despise having this glimpse into the minds of those who want to fuck children. To call it a joke is a perversion of the word "joke."  But it is no more perverted than "grass on the field."  It is the progression of the perverted "logic" behind the tenets of patriarchy.   Here are the words my father and pam found pruriently humorous:  "If they are old enough to crawl, they are in the right position."

Now, I am going to write that truth I have never disclosed before. It is a truth that will be misused, by anyone with unnatural sexual desire toward children. I also know how these words may be misused to try and shift blame from predators onto children for the crime of child sexual abuse. I write it, in spite of predators. My first memory of experiencing orgasm happened during the time right before my sister was born.  My mom was very pregnant, and taking a nap.  I was alone with my father.  I was 2 years and approximately 10 months old.  My father was manipulating my toddler body.  

Does that scene settle into your mind as a natural, beautiful moment?  (Those of you reading these words, who are picturing that depraved moment in any salacious manner, this is where my previously mentioned imaginary spell would unalive your pedo ass.  I mean that.  With every fiber of my being.)  I am unable to accurately describe the depravity and blatant lecherousness of the look in my father's eyes as that moment was happening.  The existence of love is antithetical to the look in the eyes of a predator at a moment like that.  It is the closest I can come to saying I have seen a look filled with absolute evil.  I saw very similar looks twice more, when I was a child who still didn't know I could avoid eye contact with other humans.  I saw that look in the eyes of an adult man as he raped a seven-year-old boy.  And I saw that look in the eyes of the first man who raped me when I was five.  I can still catch hints of that look in adult men contemplating the sexual exploitation of children.  I actively try not to see that look. To have a full-on view of such perversely rapturized predatorial enjoyment of defiling a child is to see actual evil.  Not satan-horns and bs religious representations of right and wrong.  No, this look is actual evil.  A look devoid of human decency.   I will never insult animals, by calling this look "animal."  The lion or wolf who catches prey, never has this look. They are not aware of causing unnatural pain and damage to another being. Their eyes do not contain the inhumane knowledge of exactly what they are doing to a being who was never meant to be exploited in such a manner. Yes, human evil is definable, unique, and very self-aware. It fucking exists.  I saw it, the first time my toddler body was forced to feel something I should have discovered on my own, later in my development.

The truth about child physiology gets misused by nambla/maps/sexual predators, to justify adult sexual exploitation of children. Human babies can experience varying degrees of undeveloped genital pleasure.  Boys and girls.  Both. Equally. I read of a priest who said he should be seen as "normal" when he sexually exploited male children, because male babies experience erections. That is a common nambla justification of child sexual abuse. Children, all children, experience childhood responses that are a part of their natural stages of growth.  Nature designed human children to be going through these stages, along with their peers, while adults are protecting and guiding how these children are maturing.  Twisting any of these childhood stages into something adults get off on, is not natural.  It is a perversion of natural development. In a patriarchy, predatory men will lecherously grin as they pontificate about how it is "little girls" who are "maturing" thru sexual stages earlier than "little boys."  That is not physiology.  That is patriarchy, justifying the sexual exploitation of afab children.  It is a lie.

Parents used to warn children about any adult strangers who offered them candy.  Predators offer children things they like, to entice them. This grooming includes offering things like sweets, or a place to play video games or watch forbidden movies, access to alcohol or drugs, expensive gifts, and something else so many kids respond to:  attention from an adult. The knowledge that these are the behaviors predatory adults use to sexually exploit children is fundamental in the ability for society to spot and stop sexual predators. Children who have been groomed by these predators are often encouraged to bring other children around to meet the predator. Because these children are all too young to know any better, they can end up unwittingly exploited by predators to bring other children around, so the predator can have access to more victims.  I once thought all of this was understood by society.  I see it being actively ignored by society today. It is not "infantalizing" children, to stop adult predators from sexually exploiting children.  To say it is infantalizing, is allowing predators to twist words and blame onto those trying to keep sexual predators from fucking kids.  It's as if parents now days are taking their children to that known predator handing out candy in front of his panel van, and these parents saying, "Now you go on and make your own strong, mature decision. If you enjoy the candy, it's all fine. See ya later," and if any adult tries to call out that predator, parents may pile on blame to the only person trying to keep an unnatural sexual crime from happening.  When did society start to believe because children like candy, they should be allowed to go on over and hop in the van with the "nice" predator?  Sexual predators whom children were once told to run away from, have been allowed to groom us all into believing that because children like whatever predators may use to entice them, that means the predators are doing allowable things.  Society is being groomed to believe because child bodies have certain immature physiological reactions that can be misused and twisted by adult sexual predators, it's okay for these predators to sexually exploit children.  We are allowing predators to have access to children, in front of everyone, while those predators twist words to normalize all of it.

When a child is playing a video game on a predator's couch, or feeling the effects of a mind-altering substance some predatory adult gave them, that child will believe they are enjoying these things. They will believe they are being mature.  But they are simply children, being exploited by a predator.  They have no way of knowing any better.  We don't let children decide who the sexual predators in society are.  Predators do not cease being criminals when a child enjoys the candy or attention that the predator gives them.  We should not excuse the predator who is a celebrity who successfully camouflages their predatory behavior behind dogwhistles and subtle grins understood by other predators. We should never allow these predators to have access to, or be marketed to, our children.  

The look on a predator's face, as they sexually exploit a child, says everything about what they are really doing.  The look on the faces of every adult male who has officially counted down to the day girls like Emma Watson or the Olson twins turned "legal" in whatever country these girls were living in, says exactly what is in those adult predators' hearts.  To allow these predatory adults access to children is to be culpable for, and an accomplice to, the crime of child sexual abuse.

I was sexually exploited by my father, who handed me to pam, who handed me to her clientele, and took pictures of me and other children to hand to other predators. The symptoms all of this created in me, made me the target of a sexual predator church school principal when I was 13, where I was then handed the blame for all of it before my 18th birthday.  None of this was my fault. And none of this was done by safe, decent adults.  None of the sexual exploitation that I experienced throughout my whole childhood was natural.  Watching society allow sexual predators to have increasing access to our children, is wrong.