Recovering

 Sexual abuse of children has been around for as long as there have been humans.  When my maternal grandmother was little, CSA was not an abuse that received public attention.   It was not "polite," to discuss this subject in any manner.  Freud did start to grasp the pervasive nature of CSA, but the vehemence of patriarchal societies in denying this truth made Freud backtrack his own discoveries, and once again lay blame on children.  

My maternal grandmother exhibited many signs of having experienced CSA.  Others in her generation of that family exhibited some of those same symptoms. My father's generation in that family did experience CSA, and one uncle in particular was known to be sexually abusing the children he had access to.  This was known because in-laws would whisper this information to other in-laws, in an attempt to try and protect children in the family.  The blood family members still weren't willing or able to discuss this subject, though.  This left yet another generation of that family at-risk.  Fundamental religious beliefs had a further silencing effect, as the patriarchal beliefs let men off the hook, and placed blame on the sexialized children.  

My mom's family had their own generational issues to deal with, but CSA was not part of those issues.  As a nurse, my mom and her medical peers were finally being taught about CSA, as society was starting to wake up to the fact that children were being sexually exploited in great numbers, and this type of abuse needed to be addressed.   My mom's generation still viewed CSA as something done by strangers, something that happened nefariously, something that took place "over there" somewhere, in other families, other homes, other churches, other schools, other countries.  No person who truly cared about children could comprehend such abuse being perpetrated by other decent people in their neighborhoods or families.  The inability to conceive of committing certain crimes is the biggest reason those most atrocious of crimes can blatantly occur unchecked.  

By the time I was being groomed and sexually re-exploited by the SDA school principal, CSA was finally receiving a bit more public attention.  After-school specials, advice columnists, books, articles in medical journals and popular magazines, national news stories, and many of those in counseling professions, were shining more light on the sexual abuses so many children were being forced to experience.  As is always the case, predators were right in the thick of this increased awareness, changing their modus operandi in order to continue their easy access to children.  Predators "recover-up" their sexual exploitation of survivors by manipulating the very symptoms of CSA to yet again place blame on the damaged young survivors.  Every step forward in trying to lessen the sexual abuse of children, is manipulated by predators to make such abuse continue unchecked.

I was hopeful that by the time my kids had offspring, CSA would be a crime on the decline.  The opposite has happened.   It is discussed more in public, and recognized as a prevalent issue many children face, but systemic internalized patriarchal misogyny means more older predators and more therapist-type "helpers" are free to use the known signs and symptoms of CSA to groom and re-exploit and blame the very survivors that are most in need of help.  The way CSA survivors react to sexual abuse, is being used to manipulate other adults into seeing these survivors as "wanting" to be further sexually exploited.  Once again, this is the only childhood abuse that can be publicly "rationalized" in such a manner.  

A child illegally introduced to alcohol as a toddler, who develops a serious substance abuse problem by their early teen years, is never exposed to legitimate treatment that includes giving them more and more alcohol, even if that child wants to keep drinking.  Adults who try and keep giving alcohol to such a child are seen as abusive adults who are harming a damaged young person.  Society recognizes that such a young person is not old enough to understand any of the physical and mental and emotional consequences of alcoholism.  Adults abusively exposed that child to harmful behavior in the first place, and the only way to help such a child is to stop other adults from continuing to harm that child by contributing to more of that behavior.  Even if this child is physically dependent on alcohol, legitimate treatment will never include sending this child to the home of an adult known to supply children with alcohol on a regular basis.  Such an idea would be viewed as preposterous. 

Recovery is no different for a child who experiences CSA.  Predators will never be legitimate "helpers" for CSA survivors.  My SDA principal will never be a safe human who can help any sexually exploited girl.  And neither will Marc Maron.  

Hyperbole

 In deciding to publicly speak up about Marc Maron's 30+ years of targeting,  grooming, and re-exploiting young survivors of sexual abuse who have serious mental health issues, I knew I would most likely receive unpleasant communications from adults who see CSA victims as being fair game for predators.  I also knew that Maron fans would probably be hostile toward anyone trying to call Maron out for sexually exploiting and 13-stepping damaged girls.  I have received less negative communication than I originally expected.  And it turns out not all Maron fans are in lockstep with his apologists.  A number of those who follow Maron, or belong to online Maron fan communities, have privately communicated their own discomfort with this predatory behavior Maron has been choosing to do for decades.  A couple of his Reddit followers were instrumental in helping me find information regarding his documented predatory behavior.  The "Girlfriends on the Couch," a group of female fans who regularly interacted with Maron's Instagram Lives during the pandemic, includes some who are currently struggling with how Maron chose to hurt a few of their own members, and how he showed no concern for the pain he caused those members, until after I went public on April 26.  Even then, his blame-shifting is apparent to a few of these members.  His fans are not all blindly loyal.  Some of them know what he has been doing is wrong.   They have hope he will eventually "see the error of his ways."  I had that hope myself, a year ago.  I'm skeptical now.

It turns out that those who are not hard-core Maron fans are the ones who have said some of the things I find most troubling.  A number of people in recovery have said things that truly don't make any sense to me.  Thankfully, there are quite a few people in recovery who let me know they are adamantly against older members 13-stepping young survivors, and are active in trying to protect such survivors within their own recovery circles.   The majority of those in recovery who have communicated with me, though, have shown an appalling sense of apathy toward damaged young CSA survivors.  Such apathy is beyond my ability to comprehend.  A few of them have tried to label me with derogatory terms that don't follow any line of logic in my view.  One such confusing term was "grandstanding."  Here is the first definition of that term that came up in my Google search:

"grandstanding

/ˈɡran(d)ˌstandiNG/

noun  DEROGATORY

the action of behaving in a showy or ostentatious manner in an attempt to attract favorable attention from spectators or the media.

'they accused him of political grandstanding.'"

I am not sure what part of anything I am doing can be termed "showy or ostentatious."  I took time to objectively observe Maron's behavior, because at first I was assuming that such observation would debunk the Millennial's words to me at that gas station just over a year ago.  Once I had to admit his behavior over time did show the truth about what he was doing, I couldn't make the choice to stay silent.   I know what is happening to these girls.  I know their actual lives are at risk.  That's not some hypothetical theory.  It's what's happening right now to CSA survivors who are being harmed by predators like Maron worldwide.  

Those who see a home or business being broken into, may choose to call 911, because they understand what is happening is harmful to other citizens.   That's not grandstanding.   That's someone doing what they can to try and stop others from being harmed by B&E and theft.  I watched 2 of Maron's current victims go thru escalating crises.  I saw an actual weapon in possession of the 2nd victim, and I know her suicidal ideation is very real.  Trying to protect that one endangered life is not some ideological hyperbole.  I saw an actual life in very real danger.  Speaking up for a real endangered life is not grandstanding.  The apathy it takes to try and twist what I am doing into anything derogatory, says a lot about how society continues to view survivors of CSA.    

Who needs help?

Who needs help?

In publicly discussing child sexualization, child sexual abuse, and child trafficking, I have struggled with a specific obstacle for many years. How does one write about CSA in an informative manner without feeling like such words can be easily misused by predators?  Writing/speaking about CSA is necessary, if there is ever going to be a change in the constant re-exploitation so many of these survivors are currently forced to experience.  But the reality of sickos getting off on such words is a huge fucking barrier for those who might otherwise try to speak up.

I recently spent a couple of days with three members of one of my old recovery groups, debriefing and spitballing ideas about my current endeavor to shine light on a subject deeply personal to me. It is one of these friends who pointed out that over the years, I seem to have developed a manner of writing about this subject where I sometimes let anger and sarcasm be an underlying part of my words.  It's probably my attempt to try and keep prurient enjoyment less likely for any predators who might be reading.  I was told that writing in this manner may make others care even less about those being abused in real time, if my writing comes across as "angry."  I can see how this may infuence readers to subconsciously view survivors in a negative light. That's not what I am trying to accomplish.  

I asked some other survivors for any input regarding better methods of communicating this subject matter in a way that couldn't be so easily "enjoyed" by predators.  So far, the answers I have gotten make it clear no one else has solved this issue, either.  In fact, this obstacle may be part of the larger issue of sexual re-exploitation continuing unchecked. This subject matter is hard enough to talk about, without having to realize how many predators may be listening in.  There is most likely no way to avoid saying these words in a manner that risks being a turn on for some fucked up adults. Survivors will never receive help in greater numbers, if more is not said about it.  I'm hamstrung between trying to wake people up to what children are being forced to go thru this moment, while not wanting to give some fuckhead fodder for flogging.  I don't know how to walk this line in an acceptable manner, yet. If I am making others feel less compassion for children being assaulted this second, I may need to consciously try and keep anger from infusing my words, and accept that sickos will get off on this subject, and I can't do a damn thing about it, unless I go back to being silent.  That's no longer acceptable to me.

I also realized something else this past weekend. My friends knew me from an addiction recovery group. We knew how to share real talk. But not one of them knew details of my CSA history.  As they have been reading my words written in this blog, it has been very unsettling for them. They were more upset by reading all of my words than I am.  I've had 9 years letting all of this out here. I can finally talk about my history with a sense of strength, and am no longer destroyed by emotionally encaged demons.  My friends know how differently I live my life, now, so they knew I wasn't in need of help getting over my past.  But a lot of people who are reading this blog don't seem to understand I am not looking for help to heal me.  Help already happened for me, when I quit trying to trust any human one-on-one, and just let this shit start coming out here 9 years ago.  Yes, I still experience darkness, and pain created by decades wasted on trying to get help from conventional therapy.  I live with my history my own way, now, and know how to stay safe from re-exploitation by helpers, which was always what left me suffering a deep desire for death.  I can handle the memories and darkness by writing.  I can't handle any more "help" from another support person.  However upsetting it may feel to read my words, I'm not that child anymore.  I am finally protecting her from being sexually misused and abandoned over and over.  That's what she needed. 

My pain now comes from seeing others at risk of suicide, because they are exactly where I once was decades ago, in the middle of first being re-exploited by sexual predators in sheeps clothing.  Some of these damaged young survivors will die because of this re-exploitation cycle they are caught in. I am speaking up for them, because that is the only thing that might have once helped me back then, when I was in their shoes.  I don't need help for me.  They need help.  For them.  

 

Blind

 Marc Maron's WTF episode today is excellent. As someone who was born with no left hip joint, hearing Andrew Leland talk about the emotional reactions to "coming out" as a cane user was inciteful, and accurately descriptive.  The reactions of those around him to his impairment, reactions by strangers and loved ones alike, seem to be universal examples of the way humans have evolved to respond to the full range of physical impairments that are part of being human.  WTF Podcast has once again introduced me to a person whose book will be added to my reading list.  Maron is a force in podcasting because of conversations like the one in today's episode.

Up until the last few years, I didn't understand the definition of the word "metaphor."  This may seem ironic, because I have always felt like the best way to explain an unknown concept or experience to others, is by transposing it into a situation that is more commonly understood by others.  Allegories seem to be another example of this, the idea that understanding can be found if one can take a well-known situation or experience, and use that to help others grasp an idea they have no knowledge about, have never lived through or internalized personally.  I am once again getting ready to write metaphorically, and the current WTF episode is the metaphor du jour.  

Andrew Leland has experienced a progressive loss of vision.  His experiences in life have been affected by this impairment.  His success at navigating this impairment has been greatly influenced by how society views such an impairment, and how his own friends and family have chosen to interact with him on his journey.  Hearing him speak about this is very informative, and those who listen receptively to today's podcast will come away with a deeper understanding about this impairment known as blindness.  

Imagine a scenario where Andrew was surrounded by a society, as well as friends and family, who responded to Andrew's impairment in a way that was only harmful to him.  When Andrew was first diagnosed as a teen, imagine if his peers had been allowed to laugh at him, take advantage of his impairment, and blame him for his increasing loss of sight.  There are plenty of people who will actually do this, to those with the impairment known as blindness.  They may monetarily screw a blind person over for financial gain, they might stick a toe in front of a blind person's leg, just to get a laugh out of watching them trip.  They may contort their face into playground insults with tongues sticking out, or flip a blind person off directly in front of that person's eyes, just to get a laugh from others.  They may tell the blind person it's too bad they didn't eat enough carrots, or chose to use certain household products that contain chemicals known to cause blindness, just to try and blame the person who can't see.  Some religious zealots may say the blind person must've done something wrong, must've grievously sinned, to have God strike them with blindness.  They may tell the impaired person to take some supplements, or be glad they aren't dying of cancer.  They may admonish the person to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, and stop playing the victim card.  Andrew Leland has probably experienced human behaviors similar to this.  Thankfully, he was born in a time and place where humans are a bit more enlightened.   His family and friends, as well as the laws regarding safety codes for housing and access to sidewalks and public buildings and stairways and ATM machines, as well as new technology and apps on cell phones, etc., have all given Andrew, and others with varying degrees of this impairment, a better life experience.  A hundred years ago, or a thousand years ago, his life would have been much different.  Humans have an increasing sense of decency toward, and an honoring of the dignity and humanity in, those among us who experience quite a number of differently-abling impairments.  This has started to extend to those who are not neurotypical, and even to those who have experienced certain types of trauma that create symptoms now categorized by varying diagnoses in each new DSM.  

Children who are sexualized, by child sexual abuse, exposure to pornography, trafficking, and the myriad ways a patriarchy sexualizes afab children and imparts misogynistic ideas into all youngsters, are starting off life with an impairment.  Often, this impairment has visible manifestations.  I exhibited sexualized behavior starting around the age of two.  That was an impairment that was going to continue worsening without adult intervention.   The only adult intervention I got came from adults who could exploit my impairment.   I had no way of knowing any of this, at all.  No sexualized child understands anything adults are doing to them.  

The idea that trauma creates "tragic" victims is a narrative that can quickly turn into telling a person they are playing the victim.  This victim-blaming silences people who are being harmed.  Imagine if a blind person, everywhere they went, was being tripped by people sticking a foot out in front of that blind person.  At some point, the blind person may stop, and say "I can't get anywhere because you all keep tripping me."  Imagine if everyone around that person said, "Oh shut up already.  Quit playing the victim.  Stop tripping.  Just do it.  You are causing all your own injuries every time you trip, so simply stop tripping and then blaming everyone else.  You are at fault for all of it, so shut up and live right."  Until those who keep tripping that impaired person are called out, and are no longer allowed to continue harming the impaired person, this cycle will continue, and eventually the blind person will stop trying to move, stop asking for help, stop reaching for anything.  They will hate themselves, they will suffer in silence, and perhaps decide to step in front of some large oncoming vehicle they hear down the road, because there is no other escape from their hell, a hell they have been made to believe is their own creation.  

This is what society does to CSA survivors.  Until their impairment is no longer acceptable to make fun of, take advantage of, and sexually exploit, until they are helped instead of blamed, these CSA survivors will never be safe, will never heal, will never find a way to live out their true potential.  CSA is not some momentary incident of negligible damage, like a paper cut or a broken arm.  The moment a child is sexualized, the person they were meant to be is stolen.  That child will have an impairment they don't comprehend, an impairment predators will be free to exploit unimpeded. That child will lead a life of pain they will blame themselves for, like a blind person standing immobile on a sidewalk, being told they are causing themselves to fall by being too blind to see every foot others are choosing to place in front of them.  CSA creates an impairment.  Society will have to change, if CSA survivors are ever going to receive real healing.

I am thankful that impairments like blindness, like birth defects in hip joints, are handled in a more compassionate way now, and people with a wide variety of impairments can experience safer and fuller lives.  I hope someday the selective blindness of society will clear, and the impairments created by all forms of child sexualization will be handled in a manner that lifts blame off the survivors, places it on those who are currently free to exploit these survivors' impairments, and help these survivors fulfill their fuller potential and live safer lives, so they can finally exist without longing to die.

Slide, a poem repost

 

The first time the principal fucked me, he got mad afterward, and sharply asked, "Where's the blood?" I never had told him all that had happened to me. I had just answered yes when he asked me if my father had molested me, which was when he first took me under his wing, so to speak. I was not anywhere near ready back then, to put into actual words what had occurred throughout my childhood. But I wrote a poem a few hours after he asked that question. I was remembering a slide on a playground when I was 5, a spiral one, as I wrote this. I wrote it in red pen. I never shared it with anyone until I was in my 40's. Here it is:

Slide

by

 Judy S. Lentz

Drop away beneath me in

breath snatching glee

Is the laughter beating in my ears

from me?

The mirrored slope descending

Sheets of silver floating down

Invisible windfingers lift my hair

the breath of a clown

Whose hand trails behind me, streaking

blood where I slid down

Reminder

For over 30 years, Marc Maron has been drawing in/grooming and fucking young girls with specific mental health issues caused by childhood sexual abuse.  He then leaves these girls much worse off, while calling them lunatics, and making fun of their mental illness symptoms from the stage.  Last year he flashed his genitals at a set worker in Canada.

I have known about this for one year, and spoken publicly about it since April 26.  The obsessed person is the old man who keeps trying to say teens are enamored with him, and keeps fucking girls mentally and emotionally damaged by sexual trauma.  The fans excusing him are obsessed with making Maron's predatory behavior seem harmless.  I, in pointing this ongoing behavior out, am not the person obsessed with doing harm to young damaged girls.  I am trying to speak up for girls like I was 40 years ago.  

Definitions matter. I take full responsibility for pointing out Mr. Maron's predatory behavior.  I am not the one with a pathological obsession.   Mr. Maron is.

Coupla questions

 Marc Maron was recently on Annie Lederman's podcast.  He mentions a couple notable things.  

 He says he has spoken of others' mental illness before, but he almost skates past this admission by saying he has some mental issues himself.   I have yet to meet a person who chooses to behave in a predatory manner who doesn't have such issues.  Spending 30+ years chasing these girls, leaving these vulnerable much younger girls in worse condition, ignoring suicidal pleas and referring to these girls as being great to fuck, while calling them "lunatics" when he is done, is not normal mental behavior in my mind.  Doesn't excuse that behavior, either.

And that brings me to the 2nd thing he said.  While once again trying to say these girls are the ones at fault for coming after him, he said he is unable to say "no" to having sex with these girls he has been drawing in since his Conan days when he started asking teen girls to "throw him a bone." Considering how many underage girls have responded to his grooming for 30+ years, this is troubling.  Does he check ID's? That would imply he is quite capable of saying "no." In saying he can't say "no," is he simply fucking them all?  The child he is currently giving a guitar, is being drawn in by him.  Will he say "no" to her, when she responds to what he is choosing to do to her, to get her attention in the first place?

These are the questions that need to be followed up on, to protect children.

Edited to add a response to something I figured I might see mentioned eventually.   Less than an hour and a half later, someone said, "Of course he isn't going to get sexual with a friend's teenage daughter."

So, it's wrong to groom and fuck a friend's kid.  But not other teens?  Why's that? And once again, deciding not to fuck a friend's kid, after getting her attention with an expensive gift, implies the ability to say "no."

Recycled

 

At around the age of 2, the CSA I was put thru by my father began, and continued thru my early teen years.  From the age of 5 until I was 9, the hooker who became my stepmother trafficked me to her clientele and used me in the creation of child porn.  At 13, I tried to act on advice I had read in Dear Abby when she told a hurting child to talk to a trusted adult about their pain, and I admitted I was experiencing SA to an adult my church held up as trustworthy, the sda school principal who "cared" enough to notice how damaged I was, and ask me if my father was SA'ing me.  He re-exploited me until I was 17, when I learned another girl had been SA'd by him and had attempted to kill herself.  In confronting that principal, he revealed there had been yet another girls at my school he had SA'd before me.  The girl who attempted suicide made my heart hurt, and I called the adventist conference president to try and have the principal removed from church-appointed access to teen girls.  The conference president started self-pleasuring during that phone conversation (https://sighlentz.blogspot.com/2023/04/what-gets-stolen.html ), and when I stopped talking, he ended that conversation by saying that the principal's sudden move to another conference meant he was not my conference president's responsibility.   

The local church pastor who knew me and the other SA'd girls from our school, was immediately transferred elsewhere.  The new minister promptly visited me and let me know I needed to request my own removal from the church books.  Members of my local church congregation were making it clear I, and the other sexually re-exploited girls, had caused the principal to sin.  I was made to believe we children each set out to purposely seduce the principal, that we made him pick each of us to buddy up to and fuck.  I had to believe this, because I fundamentally believed older adults were always right.  I had no way to conceive of older adults being unworthy of trust.  Children who are allowed to realize adults around them are not automatically safe, are rare.  Children think those bad strangers they should never take candy from are obvious monsters that they will be protected from.  Children have no idea that respected adults are often the ones purposely harming children.

Over the next couple of decades, the list of therapists, survivor and recovery groups, ministers, psychologists, etc., I was guided and court-ordered to go to in order to learn how to live life less dysfunctionally, is long.  Each time, I tried my best to find true healing.  Trust is the key to healing for CSA survivors.   Each person or group I went to made it clear I had to let myself trust them, in order to heal.  I didn't want to trust. They said I was choosing to remain a victim by not trusting.  I thought that me not trusting was part of my inherent badness.  So, after some time, I would let myself try and trust whoever I was being told I needed to trust.  

Once I did decide to trust yet again, I couldn't allow my mind to realize the trusted person was doing anything wrong when they subtly manipulated our interactions into sexual activities.  I had to keep trusting that this time would be different.  With my history, I had no reason to know that not all therapists are fucking their clients.  I had only known sex as being a part of most close interactions I had with older adults.  I figured it was secretly a part of almost all helper-survivor interactions.   I truly believed that at some point, I would find the right therapist-type person who would fuck me, and it would finally prove to be the interaction that would make me a better person, would help me learn how to live life like a "normal" person.  That's what everyone seemed to be telling me, whenever they told me to go get help once again.

I didn't know that in order to truly get better, all CSA survivors need to experience the safety of not being sexually exploited by older adults.  Until they can experience such safety, they will always think it is sex they have to allow, to get any attention or love.  They keep thinking if they had gotten everything right to begin with, their original CSA'er would have never hurt them and abandoned them in the first place.  They believe they once again got it all wrong with the next re-exploiter.  And the next.  Until a CSA survivor gets to experience an older helper adult who does not bring sex into their relationship at all (not even passively), these young damaged humans will keep being re-exploited for decades, unless death itself removes them from this cycle of hell.  No one ever says that their abusers and re-exploiters are at fault.  No one ever tells the truth, that those predators spotted this victim's specific type of brokenness, then purposely groomed them into sexual conversations and scenarios, then sexually re-exploited them, all because the predator is turned on by the survivor's abuse history, and knows such abuse survivors are easy to lie to and fuck.  Then the predator can throw their victim to the side  and move on to their next damaged young victim, all while bragging about how these young humans are so "enamored" with them, call their groomed and conned and re-exploited victims "lunatics," because these CSA survivors have serious mental health issues that have just been compounded by this predator.  Nobody blames that predator for the how much more deeply damaged the young person is, and because abandonment after being sexually used is the worst anguish such young survivors can be put through, that damage isn't quantifiable. 

My first predator was my father.  I was handed by him to Pam, and from her to other predators.  At 13, I tried to get help by responding to the grooming predator running my school.  He caused more damage in me, and left me in worse condition.  He is, to this day, still a respected citizen.  Meanwhile, I was told I was bad, I was fucked up, I needed to go get help.  The next counselor I went to, drew me into trusting them, re-exploited me, I was told I had caused yet another decent person to be bad, my behavior was even worse, I accepted it was all my fault.  I went to a pastor who offered healing in the house of the lord, who convinced me he was never going to harm me, drew me in, got me to trust him, fucked me, abandoned me, left me worse off.  I was blamed and called demon possessed, and told to go get help.  And so on, and so forth, ad fucking nauseam.

There was no moment where anyone ever stopped this cycle.  At 13, I was saddled with blame.  Funny thing is, people will say, "Well, after 18, it's all legal.  She's a woman.  She knows exactly what she is doing."  And the old predator inwardly grins at how easily he can leave damaged teens suicidal, teens  nobody was going to help at 13 because they were already ascribed blame and womanhood then.  Afab victims of child sexualization/abuse are hustled onto the train of re-exploitation, and there is no place where they get any help.  Because the predators who spot them and draw them in and deceive and sexually re-exploit them are never blamed.  I was not capable of knowing that any of the multitude of predators who conned me were bad.  If any of them had been removed from access to CSA victims, my life might have been different.  If Maron is not called out, every afab child he interacts with, or gives guitars to, or gets snake drawings from, is in very real danger in just a couple of years.  He is a 59 yr-old man.  Who fucks 18 yr-olds.  Who leaves girls with mental illness self-harming and suicidal.  They can beg him, in replies on his page, to please not abandon them.  Not one goddam adult helps them.  Or even sees them.  No one steps up and tells Maron to leave these broken damaged girls alone.  Instead, more children are drawn to him each day.

How to spot a predator

 I was recently asked what to look for, to spot a predator.  This is a good question. I will attempt to explain a bit about what to watch for, and copy a couple of sections from past blog posts here, where I desribe some of the ways predatory behavior looks in real life.  I will also include descriptions of the behaviors predators look for in children, so they can find the ones easiest to groom and exploit and later blame.  (Childhood abuses create a multitude of dysfunctional reactions in young humans, but CSA reactions are often attributed to a character defect or choice in the child, instead of placing the blame on the abusers.  Sexualized children/youth are not born "hypersexual," anymore than children who cringe at raised fists are not born with a longing to be punched.  This is an important part of identifying predatory behavior.   If sexualized children are ascribed blame, those who re-exploit them aren't going to be held accountable for anything they do to that young human.  See the section below entitled "Agency.")

The best advice I can think of, to help in identifying predatory behavior, is to notice when/if you find yourself trying to talk yourself out of believing something you saw or heard, something that gave you a gut reaction.  The way a teacher with a student froze or separated quickly when you walked around a corner and interrupted them.  The neighbor offering to drive a child home from soccer practice, and the child's face registering a brief look that made you uncomfortable.  The older adult at a recovery meeting who offers a younger new member too much, too fast.  Those are signs.  People often sense something is off in the moment, then self-talk their way out of it.  This is understandable.   No one should be accused of predatory behavior if they are not behaving in a predatory way.   A helpful saying I learned from an AA member, "time plus behavior equals truth," is a fairly accurate way to measure up situations.  That teacher, that neighbor, that older adult, will have a history.  That student, that child at practice, that young person at their first meeting, may be giving off signs that predators look for.  Honest observation, and letting go of preconceived ideas about status and victim blaming, can help an observer see such situations more clearly.  

THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023

Hurts to see, because I know

 The adventist principal, who realized right away I was a 13 yr-old girl with "daddy issues," is on social media now. At one point, he belonged to 2 FB support groups for teens who had been sexually exploited. Acting so understanding, saying the words that draw in broken teens, buddying up to the ones he was attracted to. (This is otherwise known as grooming, something I will expand on in future posts, as I think people are picturing a howler monkey or mother cat picking fleas off their babies, whenever they read the word "grooming." Grooming is the act of subtly saying or doing things that can be said to be an innocent slip, but are calculated to draw in sexually exploited victims. It can happen in front of everyone, and other adults refuse to see it or admit what it is. Very damn similar to "dog-whistling.")  

Children with my history can escape living my fucked up existence, if they are one of the lucky few who actually meet a decent human who will show them how an adult should never be interacting sexually with an exploited child, but instead show that child what decency really looks like. Decent humans like that are rare for young exploited children to meet. Men like Mr. Maron sweep in, saying things like "I know you've been hurt. I can give you what you need," followed by that subtle wink that let's the exploited young person know that now they get sexual,...

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THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023

Agency

 Adulthood and agency are routinely ascribed to certain children. If a 10 or 12 yr-old asks me to buy them the ingredients for a martini, I cannot say, "This child obviously knows everything about alcohol, so they are responsible, and I can get them drunk, because it is their choice." In fact, a decent adult would ask themselves why a child knows so much about alcohol in the first place, and would realize something in that child's life is not right, and that child was in need of help, not alcohol. Yet a menstruating or sexualized child is often saddled by a twisted version of blame, a sick kind of blame-deflection, where an adult predator escapes any consequences for sexually exploiting such a child. This is wrong, and it has lifelong consequences for children who are sexualized and objectified, or who simply enter puberty as developing children naturally do, like getting teeth, and growing taller each year. Sexual abuse, and menstruation, do not suddenly bring any wisdom or agency to a child. They are still a child. Child sexualization actually destroys the ability to develop any agency. Brooke Shields' new documentary highlights this very truth.

Judy S. Lentz at 8:33 AM

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The adventist principal had dozens of red flags waving around him.  I went for years thinking nothing he did was wrong, it was me who was bad.  But when my children started school, and I started to observe their teachers, it began to dawn on me that the sda principal had been doing things that I was not going to allow any teacher to do to my children.  That principal often took individual students to Wendy's, for frosties and fries.  No non-parental adult has any business taking any child of any age anywhere alone, unless that adult is a trusted family member/friend.  And even then, a lot of children end up molested in just those circumstances. Any adult who is spending alone time with children not their own, is a red flag.  Knowledgeable parents/guardians should always honestly look at every adult they let their children be alone with or get close to, and decide if this person is truly somebody who makes decent choices, who does not lie and cheat and date much younger people, doesn't crack those jokes about "grass on the field" or "old enough to breed," or stare too long at children in sexualizing clothing.  Any older adult who fucks 18 yr-olds should never be buddying up to other's children.  If you don't know an adult well enough to know if they are behaving in these ways, I would definitely question the decision to let your child go anywhere with that person at all.  Titles like Doctor or Pastor or Coach are irrelevant.  If any adult spending alone time with children gets hostile if questioned about the wisdom of such alone time, that is a big red flag. An adult who keeps the safety of children uppermost, will understand why it isn't a good situation, and will not want any child learning to believe alone time with non-parental adults is a safe activity.  

All small children exhibiting overtly sexualized behavior are experiencing something that isn't healthy for them.  It could be any of a number of causes, from seeing tv shows or porn or experiencing COCSA(child on child SA), all the way thru the varying forms CSA can take. From the age of about 2 on, when I would sit in the lap of a decent adult, they would remove me quickly.  I was already starting to respond with sexualized behaviors in situations where healthier children do not consistently or purposefully respond in such a manner.  (I will not get any more graphic.  I know sickos get prurient pleasure reading about this subject.  I do the best I can to avoid adding excessive fuel to that fucked up fire, which is nearly impossible to do with this subject matter, and is probably why people tell me my writing feels angry to them at times.  I am haunted by the pictures and 8mm films from my childhood that are probably still making the rounds of fucked up CP aficionados.  Knowing my current written words are most likely being perused by a few such assholes is not a pleasant feeling.  I do my best to write about this subject in a manner as coldly as I can.  Letting anger infuse my sentences is probably a subconscious choice, on my part.  Can't bring myself to apologize for it.  All I can ask is for some understanding by those reading these words.)  

The day I first met the sda principal was a Sunday.  There was a water-skiing party on the Columbia, for 7th to 10th graders, the day before the new school year started.  The principal picked me up, and right away had me sit directly next to him, in the center of the front seat.  His bare knee keep leaning into my leg.  He joked, and would grin warmly right at me, if he could make me laugh.  That whole day, he made sure to make me feel seen.  Physical contact happened a lot.  Other parents and teachers were around the whole group as this was happening.  He was hugging other students, too, laughing and interacting with them.  It must've been seen as normal, and non-predatory, to the other adults at that party.  If I had, years later, ever seen any teacher interacting that way with my kids, my reaction would have been explosive.  When my twins were at their 2nd grade year-end party, one of the 3 potential 3rd grade teachers they would have the next school year was way too hands on with another child.  The child was not comfortable with it.  The hesitancy and darting looks in this child's eyes made my chest hurt.  I spoke to the principal later, telling him my twins were not to be placed in this teacher's classroom in the fall, and why I had made that decision. My classroom placement request was honored, but as I walked away, the school secretary followed me out, and said the child I had seen that teacher with was from a troubled home, and that teacher was trying to help the child.  She said that teacher often gave that boy rides to and from school, to help out.  I think she was trying to ease my mind by saying all of this.  The shock on my face made her step back and look at me differently.  I told her no teacher was to ever be touching my kids, or driving them anywhere.  Ever after, that receptionist looked at me like I was not normal.  If normal is letting teachers behave like that, I will gladly wear the abnormal label. 

Predators do not prey on everyone.  For some reason, a number of kids my sda principal never sexually exploited grew up to believe, along with their parents, that this meant the principal never sexually exploited any student.  To me, the correct feeling to have if you or your child escaped abuse by a predator, would be thankfulness, but that doesn't seem to be the case in all such situations. 

I don't know if these words help.  The person who asked me this question has actually set off the part of my brain that mulls questions like this over, and later hands me words to write about about it.  There will probably be a Part 2 of this post later on.

TL/DR- Non-parental adults have no business being alone with children, or getting physically close to them.  Friends, extended family, babysitters, etc, need to be vetted by parents/guardians, before children are left with them.  Titles are irrelevant.  A minister is no safer than anyone else.  Any older adult who fucks 18 yr-olds should never be buddying up to, or alone with, any child.  Young children exhibiting sexualized behavior are being exposed to someone or something harmful.   Predators will target such children more than others, although no child is predator-proof.  Sexualized children were not born that way.  They do not "want" to be sexually exploited.  They need real help.  Predators slither into their lives and offer "help" and comfort, a listening ear.  Predators know exactly how broken these children are.  They don't just groom these children, either.  They groom parents, friends, voters, patients, churches, school districts, teen pageant audiences, fans, listeners, etc.  Any adult befriending children should be scrutinized. 

Obsession

 Today's WTF Bonus episode is interesting. A few times throughout the episode, there are the mentions of emails people have sent, and how Marc and Brendan read and honor the emails that they feel do address important issues, especially for those who are paying listeners who receive WTF's bonus material.   Brendan and Marc both invite people to email them with these issues.  And Brendan once again mentions, "if you are paying for it" as a concept that might make such emails receive more attention. 

I have been paying 5 dollars a month for Bonus material since last year.  Obviously I am still paying for it, as I just finished listening to this episode.  I sent an email, "Well, hell," on August 30, at 10:01 pm.  On Sep 3, 2022, 8:33 PM, I sent an email, "OMG."  The saved IG Live reel I referenced in that email was removed, a removal I referenced in the OMG followup email, sent Sep 4, 2022, 10:07 AM.  Yes, like all emails WTF receives, my emails were being read.  My email content was never publicly responded to with any concern for the issue I was emailing about.  For 8 months, I did exactly what Brendan and Marc said to do, in today's Bonus episode. I was paying for WTF+ each month, and I was sending heartfelt emails.  The issue I am addressing, to this day, is an issue that involves the lives of afab girls with a specific mental illness brought on by a specific form of child abuse, a group whose members cut themselves and self-harm in many other ways, and suffer from the longing to be gone from a world where older adults they try to trust keep re-exploitating them for sexual gratification, later abandoning them and adding to their mental illness symptoms, worsened by the older adult who re-exploited them.  I consider the pain and suicide of such young people to be as important as every other group who experiences such pain and suicidal ideation because of the mistreatment they experience in systemic ways in our society 

Today's WTF episode, which I cannot legally share in this email, will have to be paid for, in order for others to hear it.  It is an episode explaining problematic WTF Podcast moments over the years.   It makes a point of explaining how some things from the past were wrong, and because of cultural changes, are no longer happening.   Marc Maron's grooming and re-exploitation of young afab survivors of child sexualization who have a mental illness created by that abuse, is ongoing.  Is happening to this day.  It is not some innocently overlooked past problematic issue he no longer takes part in.

When I realized, last August, that Marc Maron was choosing to sexually exploit young victims of CSA, it was literally the last straw for me.  I decided to speak up.  I could have spoken about any of the thousands of older adult predators who are doing this.  It was Maron's behavior that was my last straw.  I did exactly as he and Brendan have always encouraged listeners to do.  I emailed WTF.  For 8 months, I brought this subject matter to the attention of Mr. Maron, in the exact manner Maron and his producer tell listeners to do.  I am a paying listener.  This issue involves some of the worst consequences for those suffering some of the most damaging child abuses that exist.  Afab survivors of CSA who have BPD kill themselves every day, because they keep being re-exploited, and those predators who con them and later abandon them are viewed by others as decent people, while these girls are blamed for trusting these older adults who harm them.  I cannot see how these young damaged humans' lives are less important than others who are dying because of the mistreatment they experience in society. 

I finally found the strength to speak up for this group I belong to.  I wish, when I was 17, and spoke up about the SDA church-school principal who was preying on this same group, that I could have had wisdom and strength to speak about that predator the way I am speaking out now.  That's not how this works.  The reason young damaged members of my group are revictimized, is because they believe they are bad humans who cause older predators to damage them.  That belief, and the way society perpetuates the victim-blaming of this group, makes it so there is no way for this group to escape their plight.  They intrinsically need older adults who they can trust, because older adult helpers are the only way these damaged young humans will ever escape their hell.  Predators act like they care.  They act like they are the very help these damaged girls need. Men like Maron are allowed to prey on these damaged girls.  These girls, if they don't kill themselves, may one day realize how society fed them to known predators.   They may one day realize, when they are around 50 or so, how their lives, their anguish, was not important to anyone.  It hurts in a way I can't even properly convey, to realize my life, as a child, mattered to no one, because sexualized little girls are seen as "less-than," are viewed as damaged "others" whom it is perfectly okay to sexually exploit. There is no way to escape this.  I had to speak up.

In speaking out, it was Maron I chose to focus on, as an example of an actively-abusing predator choosing to harm the young afab members of my group.  If I had chosen anyone who is currently an active predator, I would be gathering information, pointing out the abuses, giving the very examples of behavior required by society, when anyone speaks up about those who are choosing to harm vulnerable members of an "othered" group.  The person who compiled that video of Joe Rogan using that awful racial slur, had a huge impact on others, because everyone finally had to see what was really going on.  That person(s) who made that video, had to comb thru years of Rogan material.  That person would have had to do this, regardless of who the slur-user was.  That person was not obsessed with Rogan.  That person was tired of everyone ignoring and excusing and explaining away cruel behavior.  That person was speaking the truth.  

I am not obsessed with Marc Maron.   I am doing my best to correctly speak out about the horrible, life-endangering behavior that is allowed to happen to girls from my group, girls with serious mental health issues caused by severe childhood sexualization.  The requirements for speaking out make me have to gather information and do my best to present it.  To try and diminish what I am required to do, by calling it anything other than gathering information,  is another form of blame-shifting.  If you must call what I am doing an "obsession," I will only own that word when it is used to describe the actual abuse I am trying to make others aware of.  I sincerely want young mentally damaged victims of childhood sexual abuse to stop being sexually re-exploited by much older predators who are publicly choosing to prey on these victims with no repercussions.   That is the only obsession I will own.  Maron was the straw.  That's the thread I have chosen to untangle.