Recycled

 

At around the age of 2, the CSA I was put thru by my father began, and continued thru my early teen years.  From the age of 5 until I was 9, the hooker who became my stepmother trafficked me to her clientele and used me in the creation of child porn.  At 13, I tried to act on advice I had read in Dear Abby when she told a hurting child to talk to a trusted adult about their pain, and I admitted I was experiencing SA to an adult my church held up as trustworthy, the sda school principal who "cared" enough to notice how damaged I was, and ask me if my father was SA'ing me.  He re-exploited me until I was 17, when I learned another girl had been SA'd by him and had attempted to kill herself.  In confronting that principal, he revealed there had been yet another girls at my school he had SA'd before me.  The girl who attempted suicide made my heart hurt, and I called the adventist conference president to try and have the principal removed from church-appointed access to teen girls.  The conference president started self-pleasuring during that phone conversation (https://sighlentz.blogspot.com/2023/04/what-gets-stolen.html ), and when I stopped talking, he ended that conversation by saying that the principal's sudden move to another conference meant he was not my conference president's responsibility.   

The local church pastor who knew me and the other SA'd girls from our school, was immediately transferred elsewhere.  The new minister promptly visited me and let me know I needed to request my own removal from the church books.  Members of my local church congregation were making it clear I, and the other sexually re-exploited girls, had caused the principal to sin.  I was made to believe we children each set out to purposely seduce the principal, that we made him pick each of us to buddy up to and fuck.  I had to believe this, because I fundamentally believed older adults were always right.  I had no way to conceive of older adults being unworthy of trust.  Children who are allowed to realize adults around them are not automatically safe, are rare.  Children think those bad strangers they should never take candy from are obvious monsters that they will be protected from.  Children have no idea that respected adults are often the ones purposely harming children.

Over the next couple of decades, the list of therapists, survivor and recovery groups, ministers, psychologists, etc., I was guided and court-ordered to go to in order to learn how to live life less dysfunctionally, is long.  Each time, I tried my best to find true healing.  Trust is the key to healing for CSA survivors.   Each person or group I went to made it clear I had to let myself trust them, in order to heal.  I didn't want to trust. They said I was choosing to remain a victim by not trusting.  I thought that me not trusting was part of my inherent badness.  So, after some time, I would let myself try and trust whoever I was being told I needed to trust.  

Once I did decide to trust yet again, I couldn't allow my mind to realize the trusted person was doing anything wrong when they subtly manipulated our interactions into sexual activities.  I had to keep trusting that this time would be different.  With my history, I had no reason to know that not all therapists are fucking their clients.  I had only known sex as being a part of most close interactions I had with older adults.  I figured it was secretly a part of almost all helper-survivor interactions.   I truly believed that at some point, I would find the right therapist-type person who would fuck me, and it would finally prove to be the interaction that would make me a better person, would help me learn how to live life like a "normal" person.  That's what everyone seemed to be telling me, whenever they told me to go get help once again.

I didn't know that in order to truly get better, all CSA survivors need to experience the safety of not being sexually exploited by older adults.  Until they can experience such safety, they will always think it is sex they have to allow, to get any attention or love.  They keep thinking if they had gotten everything right to begin with, their original CSA'er would have never hurt them and abandoned them in the first place.  They believe they once again got it all wrong with the next re-exploiter.  And the next.  Until a CSA survivor gets to experience an older helper adult who does not bring sex into their relationship at all (not even passively), these young damaged humans will keep being re-exploited for decades, unless death itself removes them from this cycle of hell.  No one ever says that their abusers and re-exploiters are at fault.  No one ever tells the truth, that those predators spotted this victim's specific type of brokenness, then purposely groomed them into sexual conversations and scenarios, then sexually re-exploited them, all because the predator is turned on by the survivor's abuse history, and knows such abuse survivors are easy to lie to and fuck.  Then the predator can throw their victim to the side  and move on to their next damaged young victim, all while bragging about how these young humans are so "enamored" with them, call their groomed and conned and re-exploited victims "lunatics," because these CSA survivors have serious mental health issues that have just been compounded by this predator.  Nobody blames that predator for the how much more deeply damaged the young person is, and because abandonment after being sexually used is the worst anguish such young survivors can be put through, that damage isn't quantifiable. 

My first predator was my father.  I was handed by him to Pam, and from her to other predators.  At 13, I tried to get help by responding to the grooming predator running my school.  He caused more damage in me, and left me in worse condition.  He is, to this day, still a respected citizen.  Meanwhile, I was told I was bad, I was fucked up, I needed to go get help.  The next counselor I went to, drew me into trusting them, re-exploited me, I was told I had caused yet another decent person to be bad, my behavior was even worse, I accepted it was all my fault.  I went to a pastor who offered healing in the house of the lord, who convinced me he was never going to harm me, drew me in, got me to trust him, fucked me, abandoned me, left me worse off.  I was blamed and called demon possessed, and told to go get help.  And so on, and so forth, ad fucking nauseam.

There was no moment where anyone ever stopped this cycle.  At 13, I was saddled with blame.  Funny thing is, people will say, "Well, after 18, it's all legal.  She's a woman.  She knows exactly what she is doing."  And the old predator inwardly grins at how easily he can leave damaged teens suicidal, teens  nobody was going to help at 13 because they were already ascribed blame and womanhood then.  Afab victims of child sexualization/abuse are hustled onto the train of re-exploitation, and there is no place where they get any help.  Because the predators who spot them and draw them in and deceive and sexually re-exploit them are never blamed.  I was not capable of knowing that any of the multitude of predators who conned me were bad.  If any of them had been removed from access to CSA victims, my life might have been different.  If Maron is not called out, every afab child he interacts with, or gives guitars to, or gets snake drawings from, is in very real danger in just a couple of years.  He is a 59 yr-old man.  Who fucks 18 yr-olds.  Who leaves girls with mental illness self-harming and suicidal.  They can beg him, in replies on his page, to please not abandon them.  Not one goddam adult helps them.  Or even sees them.  No one steps up and tells Maron to leave these broken damaged girls alone.  Instead, more children are drawn to him each day.