How to spot a predator

 I was recently asked what to look for, to spot a predator.  This is a good question. I will attempt to explain a bit about what to watch for, and copy a couple of sections from past blog posts here, where I desribe some of the ways predatory behavior looks in real life.  I will also include descriptions of the behaviors predators look for in children, so they can find the ones easiest to groom and exploit and later blame.  (Childhood abuses create a multitude of dysfunctional reactions in young humans, but CSA reactions are often attributed to a character defect or choice in the child, instead of placing the blame on the abusers.  Sexualized children/youth are not born "hypersexual," anymore than children who cringe at raised fists are not born with a longing to be punched.  This is an important part of identifying predatory behavior.   If sexualized children are ascribed blame, those who re-exploit them aren't going to be held accountable for anything they do to that young human.  See the section below entitled "Agency.")

The best advice I can think of, to help in identifying predatory behavior, is to notice when/if you find yourself trying to talk yourself out of believing something you saw or heard, something that gave you a gut reaction.  The way a teacher with a student froze or separated quickly when you walked around a corner and interrupted them.  The neighbor offering to drive a child home from soccer practice, and the child's face registering a brief look that made you uncomfortable.  The older adult at a recovery meeting who offers a younger new member too much, too fast.  Those are signs.  People often sense something is off in the moment, then self-talk their way out of it.  This is understandable.   No one should be accused of predatory behavior if they are not behaving in a predatory way.   A helpful saying I learned from an AA member, "time plus behavior equals truth," is a fairly accurate way to measure up situations.  That teacher, that neighbor, that older adult, will have a history.  That student, that child at practice, that young person at their first meeting, may be giving off signs that predators look for.  Honest observation, and letting go of preconceived ideas about status and victim blaming, can help an observer see such situations more clearly.  

THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023

Hurts to see, because I know

 The adventist principal, who realized right away I was a 13 yr-old girl with "daddy issues," is on social media now. At one point, he belonged to 2 FB support groups for teens who had been sexually exploited. Acting so understanding, saying the words that draw in broken teens, buddying up to the ones he was attracted to. (This is otherwise known as grooming, something I will expand on in future posts, as I think people are picturing a howler monkey or mother cat picking fleas off their babies, whenever they read the word "grooming." Grooming is the act of subtly saying or doing things that can be said to be an innocent slip, but are calculated to draw in sexually exploited victims. It can happen in front of everyone, and other adults refuse to see it or admit what it is. Very damn similar to "dog-whistling.")  

Children with my history can escape living my fucked up existence, if they are one of the lucky few who actually meet a decent human who will show them how an adult should never be interacting sexually with an exploited child, but instead show that child what decency really looks like. Decent humans like that are rare for young exploited children to meet. Men like Mr. Maron sweep in, saying things like "I know you've been hurt. I can give you what you need," followed by that subtle wink that let's the exploited young person know that now they get sexual,...

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THURSDAY, APRIL 27, 2023

Agency

 Adulthood and agency are routinely ascribed to certain children. If a 10 or 12 yr-old asks me to buy them the ingredients for a martini, I cannot say, "This child obviously knows everything about alcohol, so they are responsible, and I can get them drunk, because it is their choice." In fact, a decent adult would ask themselves why a child knows so much about alcohol in the first place, and would realize something in that child's life is not right, and that child was in need of help, not alcohol. Yet a menstruating or sexualized child is often saddled by a twisted version of blame, a sick kind of blame-deflection, where an adult predator escapes any consequences for sexually exploiting such a child. This is wrong, and it has lifelong consequences for children who are sexualized and objectified, or who simply enter puberty as developing children naturally do, like getting teeth, and growing taller each year. Sexual abuse, and menstruation, do not suddenly bring any wisdom or agency to a child. They are still a child. Child sexualization actually destroys the ability to develop any agency. Brooke Shields' new documentary highlights this very truth.

Judy S. Lentz at 8:33 AM

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The adventist principal had dozens of red flags waving around him.  I went for years thinking nothing he did was wrong, it was me who was bad.  But when my children started school, and I started to observe their teachers, it began to dawn on me that the sda principal had been doing things that I was not going to allow any teacher to do to my children.  That principal often took individual students to Wendy's, for frosties and fries.  No non-parental adult has any business taking any child of any age anywhere alone, unless that adult is a trusted family member/friend.  And even then, a lot of children end up molested in just those circumstances. Any adult who is spending alone time with children not their own, is a red flag.  Knowledgeable parents/guardians should always honestly look at every adult they let their children be alone with or get close to, and decide if this person is truly somebody who makes decent choices, who does not lie and cheat and date much younger people, doesn't crack those jokes about "grass on the field" or "old enough to breed," or stare too long at children in sexualizing clothing.  Any older adult who fucks 18 yr-olds should never be buddying up to other's children.  If you don't know an adult well enough to know if they are behaving in these ways, I would definitely question the decision to let your child go anywhere with that person at all.  Titles like Doctor or Pastor or Coach are irrelevant.  If any adult spending alone time with children gets hostile if questioned about the wisdom of such alone time, that is a big red flag. An adult who keeps the safety of children uppermost, will understand why it isn't a good situation, and will not want any child learning to believe alone time with non-parental adults is a safe activity.  

All small children exhibiting overtly sexualized behavior are experiencing something that isn't healthy for them.  It could be any of a number of causes, from seeing tv shows or porn or experiencing COCSA(child on child SA), all the way thru the varying forms CSA can take. From the age of about 2 on, when I would sit in the lap of a decent adult, they would remove me quickly.  I was already starting to respond with sexualized behaviors in situations where healthier children do not consistently or purposefully respond in such a manner.  (I will not get any more graphic.  I know sickos get prurient pleasure reading about this subject.  I do the best I can to avoid adding excessive fuel to that fucked up fire, which is nearly impossible to do with this subject matter, and is probably why people tell me my writing feels angry to them at times.  I am haunted by the pictures and 8mm films from my childhood that are probably still making the rounds of fucked up CP aficionados.  Knowing my current written words are most likely being perused by a few such assholes is not a pleasant feeling.  I do my best to write about this subject in a manner as coldly as I can.  Letting anger infuse my sentences is probably a subconscious choice, on my part.  Can't bring myself to apologize for it.  All I can ask is for some understanding by those reading these words.)  

The day I first met the sda principal was a Sunday.  There was a water-skiing party on the Columbia, for 7th to 10th graders, the day before the new school year started.  The principal picked me up, and right away had me sit directly next to him, in the center of the front seat.  His bare knee keep leaning into my leg.  He joked, and would grin warmly right at me, if he could make me laugh.  That whole day, he made sure to make me feel seen.  Physical contact happened a lot.  Other parents and teachers were around the whole group as this was happening.  He was hugging other students, too, laughing and interacting with them.  It must've been seen as normal, and non-predatory, to the other adults at that party.  If I had, years later, ever seen any teacher interacting that way with my kids, my reaction would have been explosive.  When my twins were at their 2nd grade year-end party, one of the 3 potential 3rd grade teachers they would have the next school year was way too hands on with another child.  The child was not comfortable with it.  The hesitancy and darting looks in this child's eyes made my chest hurt.  I spoke to the principal later, telling him my twins were not to be placed in this teacher's classroom in the fall, and why I had made that decision. My classroom placement request was honored, but as I walked away, the school secretary followed me out, and said the child I had seen that teacher with was from a troubled home, and that teacher was trying to help the child.  She said that teacher often gave that boy rides to and from school, to help out.  I think she was trying to ease my mind by saying all of this.  The shock on my face made her step back and look at me differently.  I told her no teacher was to ever be touching my kids, or driving them anywhere.  Ever after, that receptionist looked at me like I was not normal.  If normal is letting teachers behave like that, I will gladly wear the abnormal label. 

Predators do not prey on everyone.  For some reason, a number of kids my sda principal never sexually exploited grew up to believe, along with their parents, that this meant the principal never sexually exploited any student.  To me, the correct feeling to have if you or your child escaped abuse by a predator, would be thankfulness, but that doesn't seem to be the case in all such situations. 

I don't know if these words help.  The person who asked me this question has actually set off the part of my brain that mulls questions like this over, and later hands me words to write about about it.  There will probably be a Part 2 of this post later on.

TL/DR- Non-parental adults have no business being alone with children, or getting physically close to them.  Friends, extended family, babysitters, etc, need to be vetted by parents/guardians, before children are left with them.  Titles are irrelevant.  A minister is no safer than anyone else.  Any older adult who fucks 18 yr-olds should never be buddying up to, or alone with, any child.  Young children exhibiting sexualized behavior are being exposed to someone or something harmful.   Predators will target such children more than others, although no child is predator-proof.  Sexualized children were not born that way.  They do not "want" to be sexually exploited.  They need real help.  Predators slither into their lives and offer "help" and comfort, a listening ear.  Predators know exactly how broken these children are.  They don't just groom these children, either.  They groom parents, friends, voters, patients, churches, school districts, teen pageant audiences, fans, listeners, etc.  Any adult befriending children should be scrutinized.